Two pink lines... or just one

Taking a pregnancy test is scary. Every single time.

There is so much that rides on the result. Sometimes you want it to be negative. If it's positive, your whole life changes instantly. Sometimes you want it to be positive and it's a huge disappointment when it's not, but hey- you can still drink wine!

I have taken a total of 4 in my lifetime.

The first time I took one, I just knew I was pregnant. It's nerve wracking when you read the instructions that are so specific. Hold it at this angle, make sure the urine stream hits the tip for exactly 5 seconds- no more, no less and wait a minute. A minute is really a long time! I knew it was a long time from my classes in journalism writing news stories- most are 30 seconds and you feel like you are writing 5 pages just for that- but a full minute? Pure craziness. I was so sure I was pregnant, my stomach dropped when there was only one pink line. I was so disheartened. I wanted it so bad and it didn't happen. Plus, what about all of those symptoms I had?

The next time, exactly 2 cycles later, I'd figured out that my cycles are indeed very long and that taking a test and expecting a positive 'up to a week before your missed period!' just wasn't going to happen for me. It was negative, and I was disappointed. We started talking about adoption. I realized I needed to let it go, that it wasn't my choice on when it would happen.

Little did I know, a week later I got the big positive. Again, my stomach dropped out and everything changed. The way I saw myself, the way I saw my family. It was real and it was really happening. I knew I wouldn't have to worry about peeing on a stick (or dunking, as it were) for a very long time.

But I'm getting old. If I plan to have 3 or more children, I better get on the ball even if it's not what we had planned. I don't have the luxury of waiting 2 years in between kids anymore. That being said, we are definitely not ready and definitely not trying. If we were, I wouldn't be saying anything to anyone, least of all here.

Which is why taking a pregnancy test is so scary.

I took one on Saturday and it was negative. I was 60% disappointed and 40% relieved. Because I had symptoms for 2 weeks before getting the courage to say anything to Bean (exhausted- and able to fall asleep!, backache, a huge zit on my chin, and a nagging dull headache, tingling boobs, a couple pounds weight gain), and getting him to buy the test. Then I had to wait until the weekend to take it because I didn't want to be here alone if...

If.

The kids would be around 16 months apart. Yikes! And then a girl name has been nagging me. And I ran into a woman at the mall with a 7 month old and a 23 month old. And I noticed flip flopping in my belly.

So I've got random symptoms that can all be attributed to different things: exhausted and able to fall asleep = counseling is working and I'm starting to grieve; backache = Abby is heavy; huge zit = I did a face mask that brought it out; nagging dull headache = need to drink more water; tingling boobs = introducing solids is confusing my mammary glands on when they should produce milk; couple pounds weight gain = stop eating like you are nursing constantly when you aren't anymore!

Or I secretly would be fine with a happy surprise.

Or I'm completely crazy.

The bottom line is it's not my decision. It's not in my hands and I should just let it go. The plan for my life will unfold in it's own time.

The other bottom line is we are NOT trying and we are NOT not preventing.

Did I mention I have a degree in Journalism?