2021: The hardest year in recent memory

 1. What did you do in 2021 that you'd never done before?  Exclusively pumped, fed a child formula (no shame either way, it was just the first time I relied on it), went 10 months without sleep, did exactly ZERO house projects and ZERO date nights (no wonder this year was awful), called the PSI helpline after a very traumatic evening when my mental health was nonexistent, physical therapy

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? We did work very hard on our 1000 hours outside resolution and we might make it to 400 hours, depending on how the last day of the year goes tomorrow. I haven't counted all month but we have had great weather and have made it a point to get outside. I even took a nap on the couch outside! A miracle! I consider that a win! We are going to try again for 1000 hours outside now that the baby is mobile and we are in such a good groove already. My personal big goal is one concert or show per month- so far I have January, February, April and June booked! I also have smaller health goals for each month to get myself feeling normal again. 

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Maggie had her baby girl Charlotte and my friend Sam had her baby girl Ava!

4. Did anyone close to you die? Aunt Sherri died of Covid early in the year. It was nerve wracking being at her service with a very small baby- lots of people in a small space and we were very Covid- cautious since I wasn't eligible for vaccination yet. We did also celebrate Aunt Judy's life with a beautiful graveside service planned by my cousins. They had cigarettes to smoke, champagne, chocolate covered cherries, and everyone stood up and told fun stories. I even said the word 'Queef' into a microphone- explaining the funniest moment of my life, when she had to read that word over and over at a family reunion. I miss her so much but I also know she is with me and she lives through me. 

5. What countries did you visit? US of A; we didn't travel much

6. What would you like to have in 2022 that you lacked in 2021? Date Nights. Yoga and gym time. Concerts! Comedy shows! Frequent dinners with friends and all the things that I've been missing due to the pandemic and then hard hard hard newborn life. 

7. What date from 2021 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? September 24th, the day of Aunt Judy's service- it would have been her 77th birthday

9. What was your biggest failure? I don't think this is a failure on my part, but failing to recognize that waking every 2 hours all night to nurse at 10 months old is not normal or advised.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? I did physical therapy for 3 months to help repair severe diastasis recti (abdominal separation) and 2 pelvic floor prolapses. I got much better but my symptoms have returned. Hoping to get into a better workout flow and help my body continue to heal. 

11. What was the best thing you bought? I just in the last week purchased myself some new pjs, eyelash booster, and tickets to 2 shows I've been wanting to see (David Sedaris and Tig Notaro) 

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? my own. I was able to set limits and turn down obligations as needed. I also walked around Disney World holding a heavy baby while my body was falling out, so...

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? honestly, my own. Surrounding postpartum, I was doing everything I could to survive, and it was not pretty. 

14. Where did most of your money go? Into Savings again. We are moving forward with the kitchen remodel in 2022. We did take a trip to Disney after going to a wedding in Savannah which was fairly expensive overall

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Our trip to Savannah and Disney World. It was way too much to handle with a 3 month old baby but we did it and it was enjoyable! Definitely good memories there!  

16. What song will always remind you of 2021? Maybe the modern songs played on classical instruments in Bridgerton

17. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?  Happier, thankfully.

ii. thinner or fatter? Thinner but not to my normal body yet

iii. richer or poorer? Richer in bank accounts but poorer in time together as a family

18. Is there anything you wish you'd done more of? Yoga. Pumping and formula earlier on. 

18.1 How many date nights did you go on this year? Zero. 

18.2 Which date night was your favorite? If we are counting anything, it might be the time we took the baby to Home Depot and left the girls at home. It was 30 minutes of bliss- roaming the aisles with no complaining!

18.3 Did you take a trip without kids? Nope.

19. Is there anything you wish you'd done less of? Google search things like: cerebral palsy, autism, spinal cord injuries, etc in the middle of the night

20. Where will you be spending the Holidays? We stayed home again this year. 

21. Any athletic achievements? We walked to school a lot?

22. Did you fall in love in 2021? not really

23. How many one-night stands? nope

23.1 What Family Trips did you take? In March, we traveled to Savannah for our dear friends wedding and then surprised the kids with Disney World to finish out the week. Then in August I took the kids down to Houston and Bean met us in Galveston at the end of the week for a big family get together. Then in September we went on the short trip to Tyler for Aunt Judy's service.

24. What was your favorite TV program? Maid on Netflix, This Is Us, And Just Like That, and corny binge shows like 12 Dates of Christmas

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? ain't nobody got time for that! (Keeping this answer from last year)

26. What was the best book you read? It was hard to get back into reading, but I did read a couple of books. I also gave up on some other books that were too verbose or too much to learn or whatever other reason. That always feels weird to me to give up like that on a book.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery? Amos Lee- I had been listening to him but I became a full fan this year

28. What did you want and get? sleep, finally

     -What did you get but forgot you wanted? Flowers from Bean

29. What did you want and not get?  Still want a natal chart reading, to visit a medium, and to take llamas on a walk (this is a real thing!)- I wrote these all on a shareable google doc to share with Bean for future reference :)

30. What was your favorite film of this year?  In The Heights! I took myself to see it, planned out the times to a T to not miss a breastfeeding session with my frequent eater and enjoyed every minute of sitting in a dark movie theater with wine and popcorn (my favorite combo) and chocolate. I cried most of the time. The movie was great but different from the stage show. 

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I guess I turned 38 and it was terrible because 2 days prior was Aunt Judy's service. So my birthday was the first day I started exclusive pumping and the start of a huge turnaround in sleep and eating. So I guess that's good. We went to Gloria's for dinner a week later and everyone was whiny so that was not super fun. Also no cards or gifts from my family for the first time ever.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? If my pediatrician had gently suggested at Brooks' 6 month appointment that if nursing every 2 hours all day and night was not working for me (the mom), then I could change it. That would have dramatically improved my year but I'm also not sure I would have heard the message. It would have depended on how they said it. But I did bring it up at his one year appointment, so I hope I helped them see things from a different perspective.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2021?  Nothing fits. I hate my clothes. I'm going to clean out my closet next year.

34. What kept you sane? Friends who would call just to check in. Who said sweet things like that I was a bright spot in their day when I felt like complete garbage. 

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?  None?

36. What political issue stirred you the most?  Abortion rights. Per usual.

37. Who did you miss? Houston friends that I did not see as much as normal. Aunt Judy and Aunt Sherri. 

38. Who was the best new person you met? I feel like I lived under a rock and didn't meet anyone new. Unless you count deepening friendships with a couple of the preschool moms from the Spring, before Francie started Kindergarten. 

39. Rate this year on a scale of 1-10:  1. Too much death and sadness and grasping for hope.

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Brooks Harrison Birth Story

My last midwife appointment was Wednesday the 25th, the day before Thanksgiving. I went there first and she asked if I wanted to check my dilation and I told her I was fine with that and she asked if I wanted a sweep and I said only if I was like 3 cm dilated or more. I really didn’t want a midwife to have to miss her holiday on account of me asking for a sweep.

Since I was at a 4 (already!!) she went ahead and did that, and afterward I went to my chiropractor. Of course I updated her on all of that! Mom and I took a nice long walk- over an hour- around the neighborhood and we saw a few people who said I looked like I was ready to pop. We told them we were walking to get the baby out! 

The next day was Thanksgiving and we had our small little feast while feeling guilty about staying so close to home when Beans parents wanted us to come over there. But also I thought I could go into labor at any moment and wanted to be at my house. 

We took another walk that afternoon and met some new neighbors who moved into the house at the end of the street. We had a great conversation with them!

November 27th started like many of the weekend days during this pregnancy, with some cuddle time- I think we were really ready to get to the birth part. 

We had a nice hearty breakfast with the family and I think I was feeling some sensations but nothing to write home about. It was a perfect meal, everyone was peaceful, we had nourishing food, and it felt like a Sunday. My plan was to take a walk after breakfast and then come back for a rest/nap and just see what happened.

Delilah texted me around 9am to check in because she was headed out of town with her family to visit her in laws for the day. I told her I was pretty uncomfortable but nothing was really happening, but that I was going for a walk, then lunch and a rest. She suggested I wait on the walk until later and asked if she should stay back. I never want to ruin someone’s plans so I told her to go ahead and I would update her after the walk. She decided to take a separate car in case she needed to leave and that felt good to me.

When mamas got a plan, it’s best to let her get to it!

Bean and I headed out on our short walk route, and by the time we got to the end of the street I was stopping at various points to stand still. I know myself and I don’t feel contractions as pain, just as a sensation that requires my attention. I told Bean he could try to time me whenever I stopped. “You know, if you want to or whatever...”

By the time we made it to the cul-de-sac, Bean was urging me to go home but I felt ok in the moment where we had to decide to head home or keep going so we kept going. He started telling me that when we got home he would get the girls packed up and take them to his moms house and I was confused as to why he felt they should go over there so early. We had all day, right?!

We got onto another street and I had a strong sensation that made me stop in my tracks- right after I saw a lady that mom and I had seen the day before. She said, “still trying to get that baby out?” And I said, “yes, hopefully today is the day!”

I told Bean we should head home, and he quickly agreed. When we got there he called Delilah and told her what the timing was- 4 to 5 minutes apart and over a minute in length. I was shocked about that!

I hopped on the phone with her and she said that she was parked on the side of the road waiting on her husband to pick up her daughter so the rest of the family could head to their plans but she could come to me. She said she would meet me at the birth center in an hour. She advised me to call my midwife right away. That’s when I knew things were really happening!

With the new birth center we used this time, there are four midwives and you get whichever one was on call. I was thrilled that my favorite was on call that day and she told me she was already there and that I should head on in. 

While waiting for Bean to return from dropping off the girls, mom and I threw a few last minute things in the bag and I decided that I wanted to personally make the “First Days Rice Pudding” recipe that I had planned as my first meal after coming home. I had all the ingredients set out with the crock pot and the recipe written out for whoever ended up making it.

Ayurveda had been helping me stay healthy and had helped with many different things in the past couple of years, I wondered if it would help with birth recovery. The recipe was a little rice, a LOT of water, ghee, coconut sugar, and plenty of seasonings- turmeric, cardamom, saffron, black pepper, and cinnamon. 

I got it all mixed up and turned the crock pot on, pausing to hum through contractions as they came.

Bean got back and we loaded up. The drive there was awful. I usually took one route to all my appointments, down back roads. Bean chose to take the freeway but the street leading there had a sharp curve and a quick stop at a light, which happened to crop up right in the middle of a strong contraction. Ouch!!

We got upstairs and they were filling the birth tub. We had a bathroom, secondary room, and then a bedroom to use. It turned out there was another mom having her baby right across the hall. 

I bounced on a ball for a little bit while we waited. Then my midwife Rebekah wanted to check me before I hopped into the tub. One of the things I wanted was to not know what my dilation was, and I wanted zero pressure- I wanted to let my body do it’s thing.

What I didn’t know then was that I was 9.5 cm. I was thinking I might be a 6 or 7 and I still had awhile to go. It was about 1pm at this point.

We had music going, and were talking and hanging out. I got in the tub and the most glorious thing happened- it all stopped! I laid there with my eyes closed, and I may have fallen asleep. The music was perfect and I had some amazing rest. I assume this is what an epidural does.

After a bit, I sat up cross legged and then asked if I should be doing anything and Delilah said “no, just do what feels good to you.” I said, “yes but the baby can’t come out because I’m sitting like this.” To which she replied, “you can always just lean to the side- no problem.” Hahaha!

I kept sitting there and then felt like I was doing nothing for too long and everyone reassured me that I was just fine. I didn’t have to do anything. An assistant midwife walked in and I told her I was concerned I would have to just go home because nothing was happening and she said “don’t worry, it’s happening. You just don’t feel it.”

At some point in there, Tupelo Honey by Van Morrison came on and that had been my song for the baby all along. I did feel a couple of strong contractions with that song. We joked about a couple of songs I had on the playlist that I would get Bean to change when they came on, one of which was a Bonnie Raitt song.

I decided to try and get into a position we had talked about- on my knees with my arms hooked over the edge of the tub for support. I heard myself say “oh no, oh no, oh no” all panicked and Delilah touched my shoulder and said “you are safe and you can do this” or something like that. I picture her gentle eyes reassuring me. 

Previously this part was always scary. 

Next thing I know I’m screaming. I heard it as high pitched wailing but everyone later told me it was more like a roar. “Aaaaaaaaah!”

My brain is as checked out and my eyes were closed. I saw an interesting shape that I had seen before when I was a kid trying to fall asleep- a glowing shape that instead of staying white, changed colors along with the feelings in my body. It was fascinating to watch.

I heard them say “crowning” and then they asked me to pause- I think to let my tissues stretch to avoid a tear, and I roared again. Then at a pause I heard my mom say, “listen to your midwife!!” And they told me I had to turn onto my back. I told her I couldn’t and she said “yes you can!”

The next contraction hit and I think a few people grabbed my limbs and helped me turn and as I did my brain said “shoulders” and by the time I flipped all the way over, it was all done.

I heard someone say “it’s a boy!” And I looked down and he was floating in the water with his eyes open. 

They picked him up and wrapped him in a wet towel and handed him to me.

The song playing was that Bonnie Raitt song “I can’t make you love me” which is weird but also funny.

I said “We did it!” over and over and then “There’s a penis in here!” 

Look at all his hair. 

That was a beautiful moment.

I didn’t have the ring/tunnel of fire like before. I found out I didn’t have a tear, and about an hour later I found out he was 9lbs 5oz! And he had already peed and pooped on me. Ha!

This experience gave me the awe and wonder at what my body can do. I felt so strong and empowered and respected. I was asked consent before anyone touched my body. 

The mom across the hall had her baby.

We headed home after a few hours and a bath for me. Pop and Gigi brought the girls home all bathed and in their pjs and they met their brother for the first time.

We are still adjusting to being a family of 5 but we are thrilled that Brooks is here with us. 

A note about his name. Each pregnancy we have had many different ideas on what a boy would be named- notably, if Francie was a boy she would have been Elliott Zeke and go by Zeke. We still love that name!

We had been tossing around Brooks and Harrison and I preferred Harrison first but Bean preferred the opposite. He has loved the name Brooks since the very beginning and could never get me on board. It’s my maiden name. He convinced me by saying the name would die out if we didn’t use it (this is true), and also when he was born he just looked more like a Brooks. 

Bean and I have this sense that we know what the other is thinking and when everyone asked what his name would be we just kinda made eye contact and I said “Brooks Harrison”. And I think he was thrilled.

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Surprise Pregnancy Number 5! Trimester 3.

The one thing I knew by the time I reached the 3rd Trimester was that my belly was huge. I measured 1-2 weeks ahead most of that time. We hired a doula and she reassured me that there wasn't much chance of twins at this stage since we already had an ultrasound, and that even if the baby was bigger than my two previous, my body wouldn't make a baby it couldn't get out- that's just how it is. Maybe I had a bigger placenta or more fluid- don't worry!

After Francie's quick birth I knew that no matter what, if I ever got pregnant again, I would use a doula. I knew that I wanted to allow my body to do what it does without any pressure, and I'm so glad I found Delilah. She was easy to talk to- we took a walk and she asked all the right questions, and she took my lead on when we stopped walking and deep down I realize that was a way to make me feel comfortable that she would allow me to do what I needed but just be there to support me. 

I don't remember what I did for my birthday in September, but what I do know for sure is this baby was made of hot dogs from Five Guys, french fries, and Whataburger. We had that deliciousness at least once a week during movie night or on a Saturday. Also chocolate- lots and lots of chocolate and smoothie bowls. 

Our family loves dressing up for Halloween and we usually begin discussing next year's costumes the day after trick or treating each year. With the pregnancy I knew I wanted to play it up since it would be my only opportunity to have a real live giant belly available. My favorite option was the blueberry girl from Willy Wonka, but nobody else wanted to dress up as various characters from that movie. 

We settled on Winnie the Pooh, seeing as how Winnie was a name that the girls and I loved for a girl. I knew we wouldn't end up with that name because Josephine Collins had too many layers of meaning for us, and we couldn't think of a long version that we liked with Winnie as a nickname. 

So I dressed up as Winnie the Pooh, Abby was Piglet, Francie was little Roo, and Bean was Eeyore. We made our own costumes out of regular clothes and it was the easiest homemade costume set we ever did. I especially loved Bean's hoodie with Eeyore hair sewed on and that iconic tail with the giant pink bow. 

At this point we were still doing virtual school for Abby, but Francie was back in person, with temperature checks for everyone, hand sanitizer, masks all day, and smaller class sizes. It was nerve-wracking sending her back when I was still so high risk but seeing the change in her demeanor made it all worth it and after a few weeks I relaxed. 

This whole time we had only seen Bean's parents in person maybe twice. The first time I was so nervous I insisted that we eat outside. The second time we ate inside but I was a ball of nerves the entire time. 

It's interesting living with anxiety and noticing when it is stronger and when it fades. I didn't know that it was anxiety until recently- I just thought that's who I was. Now I know that anxiety is not who I am, but I am sensitive and it alerts me to watch out- and I can tell it that I'm ok and I've got this, whatever the situation might be. 

As time went on and I still didn't know anyone personally who got Covid (other than a friend in Houston), I was able to take a step back from all the worries and look at it logically. If I wash my hands and wear my mask, plus don't go into crowded spaces where someone might cough or sneeze on me, there's a low risk of picking it up. Everyone has been so cautious that my overactive brain can relax a little bit. I can choose what risky activities are worth it. 

My friend Maggie went to a family wedding- she lives out in the country where they had maybe 1 case for the whole county- and even though she stayed off the dance floor and away from most people, she still came down with a moderate case of Covid. She was at home and her doctor had her stay in her bedroom away from her kids for 10 days. And then her husband caught it and thankfully his case was mild as well. That felt like a shock to the system. I would have likely made the decision to go to the wedding, taking the risks into account, just like she did. 

She said nobody was wearing masks and everyone was crowded on the dance floor and they traced it back to a distant aunt that was waiting on test results but didn't have symptoms. 

The hardest thing about pregnancy during a pandemic was not seeing my parents and having all of the lifelines removed. Not seeing friends as frequently, not doing my regular gym routine, et cetera. 

About a week before the baby arrived, we had a fancy dinner on a patio to celebrate our 13th wedding anniversary. We made a big deal out of it and we all dressed up and planned it all out. Of course we took a quick picture and of course it’s terrible! That always seems to happen with our anniversary dinner photos.

The only piece of clothing that fit me at the very end (ironically) was my 5th grade basketball shirt. Why a 5th grader would wear and adult L is beyond me.

On November 20th, Bean asked me to go back into the bedroom for a minute where he told me that he had just gotten off the phone with my Dad where he learned that my Aunt Judy had died a few hours ago. My immediate reaction was to sob. And then I was grateful she wasn’t suffering anymore. 

She had been in an assisted care home for a year or so and Francie and I made weekly visits all last year as part of me finishing a work duty and dropping off invoices. It was only a few minutes farther to visit her so we would grab lunch and go say hi. The last time we saw her was in February. 

We had mailed her a card saying “surprise, I’m pregnant!” and later sent a huge care package but of course we never heard back. I miss her so much.

Thanksgiving was different this year. It was my due date and I was wanting to lay low and just wait on the baby to come. It was so uncomfortable there at the end and I was having random tightening. My mom had flown in and she and I took long walks every day to try and encourage baby to come. 

We had some sides prepared and frozen, Bean smoked a turkey that he got for free from one of his vendors, and we felt guilty for staying home instead of going to his parents house. I knew deep down that with all the pressure around the holiday and me not wanting to disrupt the midwives day, that I would likely wait until the day after.

And wouldn’t you know, that’s exactly what happened.

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Surprise Pregnancy Number 5! Trimester 2.

Soon enough it was the 2nd trimester and the girls and I spent the days down at the creek playing and relaxing. I wore overalls almost every single day. I taught myself how to mow the lawn after we fired the lawn guys for cutting it too short and making it die. I loved having a new activity to focus on. Work was crazy. I have no idea how I worked almost 30 hours a week and dealt with the girls being here with me. Virtual school was finally out but overall, it was way too much. 

Did I mention we were knee-deep in remodeling the girl's bathroom? Like we had ripped it down to the studs in February, and were slowly putting it back together. This makes me laugh now but it was just one more crazy thing. 

I went to the dentist and left the girls in the car with activities since they weren't allowed to come in with me. They also sat in the car or on the porch swing at all of my midwife appointments. We were too nervous to see anyone or have a babysitter because of my high risk category. The only thing we felt safe doing was being outside. No play dates because you can't keep kids away from each other. I only felt comfortable with outside hangouts with my friends because we are all adults and got nowhere near each other, and even those were infrequent. Bean was still working every day- nothing changed for him but everything had changed for me. 

The girls and I were so nervous to even go to the grocery store so we wore our masks, tried not to touch anything, and immediately put on hand sanitizer when we got back in the car. Bean was the only one going out every day- most days we only left the house to go to the creek. That was the bright spot in our whole year- sitting and listening to the water and looking at the trees.

Then Bean called early one morning and said he was coming home because he had a fever. With Covid they had been doing temp checks every morning as soon as you came into the office. His was only 99 degrees but he came home and went straight into the game room to quarantine for 14 days. 

He had a virtual visit with our family doctor who sent him for a Covid test. At that time, testing was not widely available and you had to wait a full 3 days for results. He had a mild headache but no other symptoms. He worked up in the game room, but couldn't watch TV because it was broken, and he slept on the couch. 

We brought him breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and set them outside the door and he would bring the food inside. Usually we would come eat dessert with him after dinner- sitting on opposite sides of the door that thankfully has glass panes. 

Everything else was up to me and while I would have normally thought it was too much and I couldn't handle it, I did handle it. The highlight of that time was the girls and I found the book Eloise, about a naughty girl living at the Plaza hotel. I got really into reading it in her voice and we read it every night. Did I mention it's long and takes about 30 minutes if you read it with flair?!

After 10 days in quarantine, about a week after he took the test but still hadn't found out the results, he told me he was coming out. I was terrified. The CDC had recently changed the rules, saying you could be out of quarantine 10 days after the last symptom leaves, but we still didn't have confirmation on whether he had actually had Covid or not. He got out, went to work, and then texted me later in the day:

Turns out the place where he took the test had the results posted under his middle name, not his first name, which is what he kept looking it up under. All medical stuff is under his first name, but everything else is under his middle name and that's what he goes by. As soon as he told me that little tidbit, we laughed hysterically for at least 10 minutes and that sealed the deal- if this baby was a boy, there was NO WAY he would go by his middle name! 

We had discussed that if we had a boy, maybe he could go by his middle name since he does and so does my brother- even though it annoys me with paperwork and stuff- we thought it would be a cute connection. It didn't matter anyway, since we already had a girl name picked out- Josephine Collins- and didn't that mean that the baby could be a girl? We have always had trouble with boy names but it never mattered since we always had girls. 

The whole time I never had any specific indications that this baby would be a boy vs a girl. No real gut feeling, other than the Baby B connection and the fact that we had the girl name super easily. So it could have gone either way. 

During this quarantine period, we had a major plumbing issue when the toilet in the powder bath overflowed and an inch of poop water covered the floor. We figured out it happened when Bean finally took a bath in the dirty tub in the game room bathroom. 

I put towels down to clean it up- as big and nauseous as I was- but I couldn't finish cleaning up because the reason it overflowed was already known to us- the cast iron pipes are old and rusted and we needed a plumber to come out and clear the line before I could use the washing machine or toilet. We had this problem before. So the poop water and all of our mess towels sat on the floor in there for a week before the plumbers could come. Around the time Bean got out, they came and we got it fixed temporarily. 

As if we didn't need any more things to stress about, interest rates were extremely low and we decided to refinance our house and get some cash out to use on a kitchen remodel when the baby I was carrying was a year and half old. So I was dealing with paperwork on that and getting a quote on replacing our cast iron pipes with new ones, and working a ton, and having the girls around constantly with no breaks. Did I mention that I had to quit the gym?

I wanted to continue my routine of yoga on Tuesdays and Zumba on Thursdays throughout the pregnancy but it soon became clear that those weren't safe activities since they are in enclosed spaces with heavy breathing. My midwives told me not to go to the classes early on, and with my history of miscarriage, I didn't want to take any risks. That took away my opportunities for a break from my kids for my mental sanity. 

The only friends I hadn't officially told the news to was our college friends. Normally we meet up once a month for dinner, but since no restaurants are open and we all live at least a half an hour away from each other, we hadn't done anything except that Zoom call early on. Mel and I fantasized about getting together with them and just walking up with our huge bellies and surprising everyone!

Our friends planned a pool party since they had just put in a pool and it seemed pretty safe since we would be outside. I fantasized about walking up in bikinis with it all hanging out and couldn't wait to see everyone's reactions!

But then we started counting how many people would be there and with all of our kids, it turned out to be 21 people. We wrestled with it, since it was more than the 10 people the CDC recommended and we were in a high risk category with these pregnancies. Again, our miscarriage history won out over what we would have preferred to do. 

We ended up just telling them via text that we were both pregnant. I think it caused a little rift in our group because it seemed like we were keeping a secret from them but really we wanted to shock them- that would have been a highlight in a horrible year. Something so surprising and fun! And then we couldn't justify the risk. I was really sad about that, and felt really down for several days. 

Meanwhile, the girls and I got into a little routine of going to a park nearby where we would play as long as it wasn't crowded. Early on in the pandemic we would only go down to the creek across the field from our home and splash around, or listen to the water, or look at the trees, and the girls would make up games. That was one of my highlights of the year, just spending that time outside in nature. Even though the whole year felt like a struggle, we found bright spots and connection.

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Surprise Pregnancy Number 5! Also the general story of the year 2020. Trimester 1.

2020 was quite the year for our family. In addition to coping with a global pandemic and virtual school, we welcomed our fifth and final member to the world. He wraps up our family so perfectly! 

Although generally people don't talk about this part, he was conceived on leap year day- February 29th- thanks to a boring TV show that we didn't really want to finish watching. :) The only reason I know that is because we weren't intending on a pregnancy and almost immediately I knew that's what was about to occur. You know how sometimes you just know? Then we had the 2 week wait. 

We went down to Houston for a visit over Spring Break- I don't remember what we did but I did meet up with Louis one evening, and we had brunch with Michael and Ivy the day before we left. When we got back into town, there were a few days left in Spring Break, so the girls and I met up with Rachel and her kids at a park and had a great morning playing and had lunch together. That day we started hearing about an illness out of China called Covid-19. 

The next day, the girls and I went to a storytelling festival in Denton and even though things felt different that day- it was the start of the cautious around strangers feeling for me- we had fun hearing people perform original stories. We also got soaked in the rain, and had lunch at Texas Roadhouse where I told them the story about how at that very restaurant, I had my friend put in a good word for me with their dad... essentially the start of our relationship.

By Monday, the world had shut down. Then I found out I was pregnant. Through the stress of all the things, I couldn't find the energy to write a weekly letter to this surprise baby, which I am sad about. We were calling it "Spring Break 2" when we had another week off. It was exciting to be able to spend time at home with just my girls and relax, but I knew I would have to take that pregnancy test at some point! 

I took the test when I woke up in the morning on March 25th. I wish I had waited one more day until the 26th, because that is Liz and Louis' wedding anniversary. But on March 25th all those years ago, I was fulfilling my maid of honor duties by spending the whole day with Liz and helping her wrap up loose ends before the big day. March 25th is also the day my friend Brittney found out she was pregnant with her daughter. I love coincidences like that!

Almost immediately I saw the pink line coming through, but I set it down and waited the customary 2 minutes before checking 'for real'. I was surprised, but also not surprised. I had a few symptoms like smelling things extra strong, and not feeling the effects of alcohol as much during that 2 week wait, so I was pretty sure I would be seeing that line. 

When I called Bean to tell him, first I reminded him that I needed to take a test, and told him I did, and then made him guess what it said. He said, "was it... negative?" and I paused, and said, "um... no..." and we just started cracking up. And I'm sure I said "oh my word, what is going on here?" a few times. I've said that quite a few times since that baby arrived as well!

Immediately I called my doctor to get bloodwork done for my thyroid as that can cause issues in pregnancy. They set me up for the next morning. Then I went to call my midwife since I was on progesterone with Francie, and I thought I might need bloodwork with her too. For some reason, an online review popped up with the midwife I used for all 4 prior pregnancies, and reading the only one star review brought up some feelings I didn't even know were there and instinctively I called and scheduled with a different midwife group- Allen Birthing Center- which two newer mom friends had used. I liked to think that I appreciated Francie's fast birth, but something deep down told me I wanted to try birth a different way- as long as I was getting a chance to do it again. 

The amazing thing that happened that day was when I looked up a due date calculator. Since we hadn't been trying to get pregnant I had absolutely no idea when this baby could be coming. The date was November 20th- immediately I thought about Baby B (my first miscarriage) and how that due date was the same. Turns out Baby B's due date was November 10th, but still, it was close enough that I had the sense that that baby came back to me. I hoped I would be able to keep it this time. 

Between you and me, I felt that Baby B was a boy and I thought that if this baby turned out to be a boy, then I would know I was right on that instinct. 

Fairly soon the nausea kicked in, and it wasn't bad timing because Abby was starting virtual school around the same time. So I laid on the couch all day and she sat next to me and did school and Francie played and watched TV. We made it through. 

I was having zoom happy hour calls with friends since none of us were leaving the house. I sipped my ginger ale and when I mentioned I was nauseous to my preschool mom friends, they immediately started smiling and got excited when they figured out why. 

On a call with my college friends, everyone was pretty tipsy the whole time so they had no idea I was trying not to vomit all over the computer the whole time. I mentioned that I hadn't been feeling well on snapchat around that time and my friend Mel called me (she had moved home from San Francisco recently) and asked how I was feeling. When I told her I was nauseous, she said, "are you pregnant?" and when I said yes, she shrieked "I'm pregnant too!"

Turns out we were due about a week apart. She was 9 weeks and I was 8 weeks at that time. She and I both experienced multiple miscarriages, so we were both on the same page. Our pregnancy and friend connection was so strong being able to go through this experience together! We were both also grateful that by the time we shared the news with each other we had both had early ultrasounds and felt positive moving forward...and also disconnected from the pregnancies. When you've been through losses like that, you don't tend to get too attached at first, there's a caution and a sense of wanting to wait and see if it's really going to work out. 

This was taken in the summer after a socially distanced lunch at the park date. Please notice my pregnancy uniform- overalls! Comfortable and has pockets! I digress...

Sharing our surprising news was a fun thing in a really scary time. 

I sent a photo of my daughters playing school with a sign that said, "Big Sister Training: Assignment Due November 2020" to the grandparents. All of my parents were very shocked and not expecting it and Bean's parents were surprised but mostly very very excited. 

My elementary mom friends and I planned a socially distanced cul-de-sac hangout where we all brought our own chairs and drinks, and sat 6 feet apart in a cul-de-sac so we could talk and feel a little normal. One of my friends from that group had already figured it out (did you know that if you mention feeling nauseous, it's a telltale sign?) and asked loudly why I wasn't drinking. I had a little belly going at that point- yes, I start showing at like 11 or 12 weeks- and so I just stood up and flattened out my loose shirt to show it. It was extremely hard to not hug anyone that night. 

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