November 10th

One thing I learned in Journalism classes is how to write concisely, to write clearly so that anyone can understand the words and the meaning and to say it in as few words as possible. It really helps out when I want to post on Facebook but don't want to pour it all out. One reason I enjoy blogging is because I can just let it flow, I don't have to edit every word to make sentences shorter or clearer. What I posted on Facebook today really did say it all:

"Today would have been my Granny's 95th birthday, and it was the due date of our Baby B. I love that they share a day and I miss them both dearly. How lucky I am to have had them!"

Then I included this quote from C. JoyBell C. that was the one that always resonates with me since I found it the very day we found out we were losing Baby B.

The part that gets me is "But what's yours is yours". Plain as day.

Nobody can take it away from me. Not the good or the bad. 

The shock of that little pink line- we were not expecting that! 

The joy of a sibling for Abby and all the hopes we had for this little one. Who would they be? Would we be able to agree on a name again? 

The anticipation of decorating a big girl room for Abby, and the relief of knowing we had a nursery ready to go. 

The physical pain. And then the relief.

The confusion and grief, the hatred for my body that I once thought was so amazing.

And now, the gratitude. Being a mother has changed me so profoundly. In the beginning, I thought it was for the worse, but now I know it was just a mess of grief over losing Bud, plus learning how to nurse and take care of a helpless thing around the clock, mixed with quitting my career and moving to a new house. I was grasping at straws for something that would solve it all, but nothing worked.

Once the shock wore off, I thought Baby B would solve it all- finally I had a chance to enjoy a pregnancy, to focus on the positive sides, and to be a better mom from the start, without beating myself up for every little thing. Of course having another child won't solve any problem, but I think Baby B really did do that for me. 

I finally feel like myself again, and for some reason it took me experiencing something so terrible- birthing on my own, in the middle of the night, knowing it was not going to earn me anything tangible- to realize that I needed that experience somehow. The most frightening part was not knowing how long it would last. I'm more understanding, sensitive, and less judgmental now. Mainly toward myself, but it flows over into other people too. I'm learning to be honest about my feelings and what I need- and what I can't handle. Having a miscarriage didn't make me stronger. It made me believe in the strength I already had. 

It would be best to end this post right there, but I just want to get on my soapbox for a minute. I really don't like how we try to protect other people's feelings by silencing our own. That's the only reason I posted on Facebook about today. Today is a meaningful day for me. I'm not going to spend it wallowing, but it deserves to be acknowledged because it happened. It's mine. 

I admit to being someone who didn't know what to say to someone when they talked about their miscarriage. In fact, when we were taking Abby's 1-year pictures, the ones where we had her in a shirt that announced the 2nd pregnancy to everyone, our photographer told us that she had a miscarriage at about the same timing after her first child. Deep down I had a feeling it would happen to me too, but I ignored it and felt weird that she brought it up. But that's her story and she deserves to share it. She was matter-of-fact about it, the way I am when I talk about Baby B. 

And she was the first person I thought of when I found out. One of the very few people I felt would be open in talking with me about something like this. And then people came out of the woodwork and I got to connect with so many others who have gone through something similar. It really opened my eyes to a multitude of experiences that people have that nobody knows about. So I'm proud of my announcements and honesty because I love having the chance to connect with people and hear their stories. I'm so grateful for this life that I get to lead.