"Who am I if I'm the person you become if I'm still growing up?"

August 11, 2015

This song has been on a loop in my head since I heard it last week, and today it made me cry. Today is the due date for the potential twins, and I've been feeling good all day. I posted about it on Facebok and received lots of support, but when I met a friend for dinner she told me she was 13 weeks pregnant with her second child, and it was a surprise. I had previously debated about posting on Facebook, and the only real reason I did was to acknowledge the experience in my life and to be open about it. I've been very happy with how things have been going this year. But I also didn't want to hear about a pregnancy, I wanted to drink a margarita and relax.

The margarita I had was definitely sub-par, and as soon as she told me about her pregnancy, and that ended up being the main topic of conversation, I just wanted to go home. I am happy for her, but I'm also sad for me. Taking all these vitamins has me feeling like this whole process is a tedious chore for us, when I just want it to be spiritual and natural.

I'm on my second month of using progesterone for the second half of my cycle, and I already feel better, more balanced. And last month my cycle was only 30 days instead of the usual 35-40 days. We plan to finish out this month and then start trying next month.

The song was written by Macklemore about a month before his child was born. My ears really perked up at this whole part:

I recommend that you read "The Alchemist"

Listen to your teachers, but cheat in calculus

Tell the truth, regardless of the consequence

And every day, give your momma a compliment

Take your girl to the prom

But don't get too drunk hanging out the limo

Slow dance with your woman in your arms

Sneak her in after but boy, you better tiptoe

Don't wake your mom up, do yoga, learn 'bout karma

Find God, but leave the dogma

The quickest way to happiness? Learning to be selfless

Ask more questions, talk about yourself less

Study David Bowie, James Baldwin and 2Pac

Watch the sun set with best friends from a rooftop

Wear a helmet, don't be stupid, jaywalk, but look before you do it

If it snows, go outside, build a jump, get some help

Get a sled, thrash the hill with your friends, 'til it melts

Go to festivals, camp, fall in love and dance

You're only young once, my loved one, this is your chance

Take risks, cause life moves so fast

You're only young once, my loved one, this is your chance

I just finished reading The Alchemist myself and found a lot of inspiration in it for following your heart. My heart says we should try to get pregnant again, but my head is getting me scared. My soul says next month it's time, but when I say it out loud I get scared. 

I hated calculus with a passion. My teacher had a freaking penny in her penny loafers. I have no idea what that's about but that class was terrible.

I'm still working on telling the truth regardless of the consequence.

"Don't wake your mom up, do yoga, learn 'bout karma"- how about it's bad karma to wake me up and I'm a light sleeper? haha

"Watch the sun set with best friends from a rooftop" reminds me of being in Houston and sitting at patio bars with friends.

I do enjoy jaywalking but I always look both ways.

In college, the one day it snowed each year we would all be outside sledding with whatever we could find: cardboard boxes didn't last long, but a big plastic disc we found had one inch edges on it and really hurt when you fell off.

Liz loved festivals. It's written on her gravestone.

And then there's the part of the song that I can sing to, and stay on key...

I'll be patient, one more month

You'll wrap your fingers round my thumb

Times are changing, I know, but who am I if

I'm the person you become

If I'm still growing up, up, up, up

I'm still growing up, up, up, up

I'll have to be patient at least one more month.

I saw two sets of twins today at Target.