19 weeks 4 days

This pregnancy has been amazing. I feel so normal that I don't have much to report other than memory problems, and some minor indigestion.

I'm currently awake at 3:46 am, and have been for about an hour. I wake up naturally every day to take my thyroid and fall back asleep but today my brain won't stop running through a very frustrating work situation. I've been more stressed in the past two weeks trying to cover all my bases and tie up loose ends with my job. 

Basically, there's a simple process where jobs go out, they are put on a list, and I bill them out. The quality of the information on the list has been spotty but I remedy that by checking in different places but inevitably some fall through the cracks. 

I'm a detail oriented process girl so the solution is simple- keep it streamlined, one person does the billing, but fix issues with the pipeline to ensure that person is getting all the needed information. I've been stressed because the list has been fluctuating in length (either nothing is added, or a TON is added in one day), and I've been cross checking things and asking for feedback on whether older jobs have been completed to tie up the loose ends.

Yesterday I finally felt like I was making leeway on smoothing the process out and getting where it needs to be and found out that a list had been created on Monday and given to someone else to bill out immediately that day. I hadn't heard anything about it, nor was I shown a list of completed items so I can ensure that nothing is done twice. Not to mention there are different procedures for different companies and they won't pay if we don't follow them.

I feel frustrated and disposable and completely undermined. Why should I care or try to do a good job? What's the point of trying to make things run smoother? 

I had a flashback of a job I had in college where the owner of the company literally cussed me out because I was trying to make sure the girl who worked opposite shifts and I were on the same page with a project we were working on and she didn't like my ideas for how to get it done and complained. It was something dumb like making sure old versions of maps were thrown out but new versions were kept. I ended up quitting because I didn't deserve to be cussed out or treated like crap over something so simple.

I know I'm just a peon in this job and that's ok, but I've been a successful boss and set up processes for everyone to follow that made work (especially paperwork) as easy as possible. I was able to run my store simply and efficiently, balancing all the tasks, while still training new employees and winning sales awards. I know I'm not in charge but I still want to do the best I can and be respected for caring. It's a source of pride to do a good job and be productive, and it's really the only source I have since being a mom comes with no tangible satisfaction of a job well done.

When I fix problems and make things better, or figure out a way to make things run efficiently, I feel useful and necessary. When my job is given to someone else, I feel like a piece of garbage. Disposable. Hell, maybe I am! Maybe I'm disillusioned about my worth as an employee. Maybe I'm really not worth the effort I feel I'm putting in. Maybe I'm over paid and should have more responsibility- or take a pay cut. 

I think my baby fell back asleep, it was thumping around a few minutes ago. I really wish I could release this tension and get some sleep myself. 

After the past few years I don't do well with communication that is not clear or direct, so when I feel like things are swirling around me- emotions and feelings of others- but nobody is saying anything directly to me, I shut it out and ignore it. Life is too short to spend it worrying about other people's feelings about me or their opinions of how I live- I spent more time than I want to admit on pleasing others up until recently.

I wish we could all let go of our hang ups and be honest, direct, and kind. Slow down a little. Listen more. 

A couple more thumps- I hear you, baby. 4:32 am.

*Edit: I did fall back asleep (kind of) and getting my feelings out really helped process the emotions. I'm learning about myself in that growing up I learned how to stuff down my true feelings and to not express them because emotions are scary. I'm trying to learn how to be a good parent and part of that is resolving my past and healing from it. Everybody has issues, right?

But the truth is, emotions are not scary, and the more we practice letting them flow through us, the better we can get at expressing them and moving forward. At this time, some emotions, like anger, frustration, and anxiety take me a long time to move through- longer than I want it to take. I'm trying to be kind to myself and realize what's happening, and let it be. I refuse to let pregnancy hormones be an excuse, but I am hoping for my own sanity that they have a little bit to do with how long it took my emotions on this particular matter to pass.

I do still want to be a worthwhile employee, and I do still take pride in what I do (in fact, I really love making the list, doing the work, and checking it off), and the speed bump is so minor in the scheme of things. I need to allow myself the grace to move through my emotions at whatever pace it happens to be. Also I have no  idea what happened with the last couple of paragraphs that I wrote in the middle of the night- they are true, but really have nothing to do with the work issue. haha!