The End of an Era

The post about my last sales meeting was written in early February, and I have even more perspective on everything now. Kathleen took me out of work at 34 weeks, so I had a full 6+ weeks to sit around and think. To think about Liz and work and lay on the couch most of the day in shock and feeling like a vegetable.

It was good for my body to rest, but I can't help feeling like it wasn't the best for my mind. I stuck with my trusty to-do lists for something to do each day but a couple of times a week I'd end up with something ridiculous on the list- 'Target'- and that's all I would do, rescheduling everything until the next day when maybe I'd feel ok enough to ignore it all and work on something. 

Mom came to stay about a week and a half before Abby arrived and the tasks were easier to finish but I still had days where all I wanted to do was lay there. Not really paying attention to the tv, not really sleeping, not really thinking. Just sitting there.

I realized I could care less what was happening at my store. Especially after I had to give up my keys so that some random person could run it for me. And then over half of my staff quit or moved to another store. And then it got broken into. But I was still considered the manager, it was still 'my' store. But I knew it wasn't anymore.

So I finally bit the bullet and called my boss. I think he was expecting it.

I turned in my letter on a Wednesday, and picked up my heavy crystal sales award the next Monday. 

I wanted a nice meeting with my boss, to review my career and my performance appraisal, and for it to feel like a nice wrap up for all the years and things I've done. 

What I got was a quick hello, here's your award, and here are the bad things I put in your appraisal. Let me tell you that you need to be more 'steady' in the store, and less emotional, and let me tell you that in front of your sleeping baby and the receptionist. 

I took it personally, even though now I've had a week to realize that it wasn't personal. He needed to write something. 

And I was emotional! I had no idea the combination of pregnancy hormones and the ongoing stress would result in me being a basket case. Then add on the bleeding scare early on, the immediate assistant manager switch, the revolving door of new manager trainees for me to teach, the unfulfilled promises of more help, my lifting restriction, judgement about me not tinting oils, the extra aches and pains, the times I got lightheaded from not being able to eat or drink, and what you have is a really difficult to deal with, overly emotional woman. I'm sorry that I could not keep that all in check. 

I realized that no matter what you do, no matter what sacrifices you make, (my favorite example is working alone on Christmas Eve with the flu and no heat in the store) nobody cares. It's a tough pill to swallow. And it makes me extra mad thinking of all the times I said no to something because I had to work.

Take care of yourself first because the company could care less and they will find someone to fill your shoes. 

You are replaceable in the workplace, but you are irreplaceable to your family and friends. That's what really matters. Life is too short to focus on meaningless crap.

So here it is- the end of an era. 8 years, the start of my career, and the end of it. I'm so ready to find out what the next chapter has in store.