10 Weeks / Here We Go Again

Dear Products of Conception:

It is 4:16 AM and I'm awake because I've been awake at this time of day for the last month and a half. Usually I'm able to fall back asleep by about 5am, after laying there trying to relax, maybe listening to a meditation on connecting with your baby or some white noise.

It's surreal to me that I had such a strong feeling about this situation from the beginning, but I ignored the nagging voice in my head saying 'this won't work out' and 'you won't get this one either' and 'keep blindly hoping for the best because it's all you can do'. The strong feeling I had in the beginning was that #1- I got pregnant because we tried, #2- I was going to have twins, #3- Maybe I would lose it again. Because there's always that fear. Having a miscarriage lets you know that you are not invincible, it can happen to you, and prevents you from living in that blissful "everything is perfect" feeling you get in pregnancy.

I had it the first time I got pregnant. I barely took my prenatals, ate crap food, and still had a healthy, smart child and a perfect delivery. I did everything I could this time- never missed a day of vitamins (plus some extra supplements), rubbed on progesterone cream twice a day, only had one sip of Dr. Pepper, and tried to eat healthy, and dealt with constant nausea. I hate feeling nauseous.

Let's be real. I don't love being pregnant. In fact, I'll just be honest and say that I hate it. I'm willing to do it because you get something so cool at the end. The only things I like about it are that it's a miracle (when it works out), and getting to wear tight clothes to show off my stomach (usually my least favorite feature). If I can think back far enough, I did like hearing the baby's heartbeat at appointments and seeing the spine on the 20 week ultrasound.

Things I don't like include everything else.

The nausea, hating healthy food, choking down vitamins that make you feel sick afterward, being bloated but not looking pregnant yet, the looks you get from family/friends speculating on whether you are indeed pregnant or not, no steaming hot baths, no raw sushi, no fun cocktails, no ziplining, the aches, pains, uncomfortable sleeping, the insomnia (hello to you!), the exhaustion, the amount of TV you let your kid watch so you can sleep on the couch, the nausea, the dry heaving, the swollen lady area, the dark wiry random body hairs and now, because I can't escape it- the constant worry until it works out. Or it doesn't.

I'm sure there are plenty more, but I don't have to worry about those now. Because I'm not pregnant. There's been no growth, and in fact, shrinkage, since our ultrasound last week. Too bad the hormones are still there, until I have my D&C and you, 'Products of Conception' are removed.

It really sucked last night when I was trying to bolster myself by looking up quotes about courage and I broke down. That deep, strong, sobbing cry that you feel at the core of you. So deep you can't even think about who you would call, even if they are not living, to sit with you. You just have to be there to remember to breathe. I don't mind that- it felt good. Until I caught my breath because it was going to make me vomit. I hate vomiting and I certainly don't want to do it if it's not for a good reason i.e. making a healthy baby that will live. How annoying to have your crying interrupted by nausea.

We decided on a D&C because I don't want to go through the physical side of this again. I don't want to wait 6 months for my body to give me a normal period again. And I don't want to labor at home again. I want to check in, have my abortion procedure, and be done with that. I hope it will be easier emotionally. I think it helps that neither sac had a heartbeat ever, so it's not as if something died, it's as if it never started.

This blows.

Since the words are not flowing out of me anymore, I'm going to go lie down again. I've set up the blog posts I've been writing since November to release over the next few days. They chronicle the pregnancy and my letters to Baby C and/or D each week. Of course I was hoping this would go a different way but I will accept what I can't change.