This morning at 1am I woke up with a wave of nausea so strong I thought I had food poisoning. I lay there, deciding if I could make it to the restroom on the other side of the house in case I was loud while throwing up. I did make it, but I didn't throw up, and I felt fine.
When I laid back down, the nausea hit me again and I thought to myself: it's Day 27 of my cycle, I think I ovulated around Day 22. Are you in there? Or are there two of you? Am I imagining this feeling, or making it up because I want it to be true? Did I send my intention to the universe for twins (half joking) and it was really coming true? That's the only explanation that made sense to my sleep deprived brain.
I lay there trembling, trying not to move and also to fall asleep so it would stop. And my heart said 'I'm grateful. I'm grateful. I'm grateful.' If it is you, I'm so grateful. I will do anything to make sure you get here, healthy. One or both of you. If it's not you, I probably did eat something bad and it randomly showed up in the middle of the night.
But what about the cervical mucus over the past few days? And all the work we've put in? And all of the pointedly NOT thinking about it I've been doing? And the random right side back ache?
What about the important days this month that fall right around my peak days? Baby B's due date and our anniversary. What about me happy crying at a tv show where a woman told her sister wives she was expecting?
I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. I'm so scared. And worried, and apprehensive about what will happen next. I'm hopeful that a week in Baton Rouge for Thanksgiving will be enough of a distraction to get me through to next week, where I plan to try and hold off until December 5th to test. Unless I don't need to.
I planned to test last cycle on Halloween, but two days before I found out I didn't have to. I hope I have to this time!
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