Wednesday, December 3rd, 2014
Glancing at the picture, I don't see anything. But in person I see a faint line- the faintest line possible. And I got 2 of them. Two tests, two super faint lines.
After I dropped Abby off at school, I came home and worked. Everytime the phone rang, or I got to a stopping point, I walked through the bathroom and looked at both tests. Studied them.
One was from 3am, the other from about 7am. Two of the faintest lines possible.
Then I posted them on a message board for women trying to conceive. I immediately got several responses saying congratulations and they could see the BFP- Big Fat Positive.
I didn't get excited. I felt wary. Like my period could just start anytime now. Certainly I could have a chemical like so many other women. I'm not immune to loss- in fact, I seem to attract it lately!
Tomorrow will be day 37 of this cycle, which is when my period came last time. I was planning to wait until Friday to test, but I needed to be proactive. My midwife wanted me to come in ASAP after I got a positive so she could run tests and make sure I don't need progesterone to support the pregnancy. If I waited until Friday, her office would be closed, and I would be crazy until Monday.
So I'm still wary. But I did look up a due date calculator, which puts me at 4 weeks, with a due date of August 12th, 2015. And I'm going to have bloodwork done tomorrow. I'll retest on Friday or Saturday and not worry about it (too much) until Monday.
I hope you are in there. I almost lost it bawling to the instrumental version of Christina Perri's song 'A Thousand Years'. If I get to birth you, I promise to have this song on my playlist. I sang it to you before today, and I'll sing it to you even after I hold you.
Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall?
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt
Suddenly goes away somehow
One step closer
I have died every day waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more
Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this
One step closer
I have died every day waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more
And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more
One step closer
One step closer
I have died every day waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more
And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall?
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt
Suddenly goes away somehow
One step closer
I have died every day waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more
Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this
One step closer
I have died every day waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more
And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more
One step closer
One step closer
I have died every day waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more
And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more
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