Moments of Joy

October 21, 2015
5 weeks 6 days

My day officially began with a demonic screaming sound coming from my daughter's room. I don't know why she decided that simply calling for me ("Mooooooooomy! Maaaaamaaay!") wouldn't work today, but I've never heard sounds like that. They were annoying.

Almost as soon as I got her out of bed, an epic tantrum ensued because I asked her to throw away the wipe she used to wipe her nose. Instead of me doing it for her... so she flipped out. Around 40 minutes later I was locked in my closet with the bathroom and bedroom doors closed between us, on the phone with Bean trying to figure out what in the world was going on.

We got calmed down with some books, had oatmeal with bananas and chocolate chips for breakfast, read some more books and went to music class. Then it was home for lunch, and you better believe when she asked me to rock her to sleep I did it, and then kept holding her. I took a nap while she napped and then we laid on the couch reading and watching TV all afternoon. Bean came home early with dinner for the two of them since I was meeting a friend.

I ran to the bathroom since I was leaving in a few minutes, and then I saw it.

Dark red. Small clumps. Brown.

My heart dropped out of my chest and onto the floor.

I wiped three or four times and frantically examined each piece of tissue searching for clues as to what was happening.

How bad was this? Did it look similar to any other times? Is 'It' happening again?

Nobody talks about how hard it is to be pregnant after a miscarriage. You already don't trust your body, you are wary of the process, and what little bit of hope you have hinges directly on how your numbers turn out or the fact that you don't have any bad symptoms.

I had blood work done again on Monday to check my thyroid levels. Funny story: a training midwife did the draw and we were chatting and all of a sudden Kathleen says loudly, "Oh my!"

I look down and there is blood spurting down my arm and droplets of it splattered on the nurse's hand! It looked like something out of American Horror Story. I've never seen my blood like that, but the worst part was the tiny droplets on her hand, that just grossed me out. I think she was really embarrassed and said that she wasn't sure what happened, she got distracted and pulled it out too soon. I told her not to worry, that at least she didn't have to stick me four times!

When I finally got a clean tissue after wiping, my body felt like a lead weight as I walked back to the living room to tell Bean. He was using the restroom himself, so I took that moment to call and leave a message with Kathleen describing the situation. I didn't expect her to call back- there's not much she can do except look at my blood work from Monday and decide if we need to change anything.

Bean came out and with my whole body feeling weak, I told him what happened. He asked for details, asked if I called, then asked what Dr. Google said. Dr. Google didn't help, or hurt, so I gave up.

The lesson I'm supposed to learn, I think, is acceptance and giving up worry. The situation is going to be what it's going to be, and I don't have control over it. I can take my vitamins and hormones and hope for the best, and I can choose to let go of worry.

It's really, really hard, guys.

So far I've taken it one week/one blood draw at a time. My first actual appointment is a week from today, I'll be almost 7 weeks at that time. Both of my previous losses were between 7-8 weeks so it will be nerve wracking.

I haven't felt pregnant, and I'm ok with that. It helps me forget it, so I don't worry. We are focusing on house projects. decluttering, and saving money. But after a scare like this afternoon, I wish I had more symptoms. I have exhaustion and slight random nausea- today was the first day nothing sounded good for lunch so I had ice cream.

Luckily I decided to not let the situation control me. I cried a little listening to music on the way to dinner. My friend was late, so I had a chance to read some blogs about pregnancy after miscarriage, which helped me feel less alone. And then I got to tell her I'm pregnant, and she was excited, and said she had a feeling I had some news.

I'm holding onto these moments of joy, in case they are all I get out of this. I hope I get it all- the rainbow baby, the light after a storm. In truth, Abigail is a rainbow baby, only the storm before her was losing Liz.

Keeping the mini goals has really helped. One more week until our next appointment. Then it's Thanksgiving and announcing to our families. Then it's Christmas cards and announcing to friends and extended family. And then I get to take my bump to the Macklemore concert in January. I did get tickets after all!

But for now, just one more week.