The Gray Area

10-22-15
6 weeks

I had a nice dinner out last night, and another one planned tonight but since the episode of bleeding yesterday, things cleared up overnight.

And then it came back today. Just a little light pink and brown.

I want to curl up in a ball and go to sleep until it's over. This process is so scary. I feel like I was taking it one week at a time and all of a sudden today it's one minute at a time. I'm searching everywhere for my hope, and battling to prevent the fear from winning and it feels impossible.

It's too soon for an ultrasound, my blood work is coming back normal, so all we can do is wait.

My daughter is attached to the TV while I lay on the couch reading blogs about pregnancy after miscarriage, weeping at how these writers have been able to capture their feelings and astutely let me know I'm not alone. But I feel alone. Bean is at work. Abby doesn't know about this pregnancy. Only one friend knows about the bleeding but I don't want to worry her with any updates about how it's not stopping.

I did find out that my one support person for this pregnancy after miscarriage thing found out she is expecting yesterday! I am overjoyed with the news, but I did let her know about my spotting. She knows the fear and she knows what that means for me.

Sometimes I really wish I could close my eyes and these hard, scary times would just pass. I was going to bake bread today but I didn't. I ate Whataburger and watched an Oprah series called Believe and cried. I have another dinner with a friend tonight and will get a moment of joy when I tell her the news, but it will immediately be tempered by my spotting. Then I will try to steer the conversation to her new home and the updates she's been working on.

I need something else to focus on. I need to be busy without having to plan out what to do to keep myself busy. I want to enjoy this time, but I'm also trying to let my emotions out as they come- it's much worse to hold it all in.

The other night I had a dream that my baby was burned and charred inside my body, and I started to weep when I found out. Then all of a sudden we were at a brewery and Bean handed me a mug of beer since I was 'allowed' to have it. Luckily I woke up and had a different dream after that. It didn't feel real, but it was still a nightmare.

Last night I contemplated having a sip or three of a margarita at dinner just in defiance of this whole process. But my friend didn't order one, and I probably wouldn't have really done it anyway. So today, with my Whataburger, I got a Dr. Pepper and drank a third of it. Little rebel over here.

Never have I been so cautious, never have I avoided caffeine or timed out my thyroid, then progesterone cream, then an hour later my liquid vitamins on an empty stomach, then breakfast with baby aspirin on the side, and at the end of the day another round of progesterone. With this spotting, I feel like it's not enough. I should be doing more. So I can save this pregnancy.

I'm reminding myself that there's only so much I can do. It's out of my hands and it's not under my control. I have to believe that. I feel a little crazy and a little like I won't be able to stand this process much longer without some relief. I feel like I should just forget about this and go a different route. Or just accept that I may never have another kid, just my strong willed joy of a girl. Would that really be so bad? No, I don't think so.

But I want this one so bad I can feel it in my bones. I just really hope God thinks I should have it too.