After my last update, I put myself on bed rest for Friday afternoon since the pink and brown hadn't gone away. I continued it Saturday morning also to be safe but I was all clear at that point! Even some clear mucus which is great!
That afternoon we went to our friends house for a gender reveal party. We were only there for 3 hours and although I hope I successfully avoided any questions in their minds about my non wine drinking, I can't worry about that. I was feeling weird having a secret but also relieved that it was going well again.
Today I woke up and did my usual routine of meds and vitamins and was feeling nauseous so I just had a banana for breakfast and sat in a chair while Abby played dress up. I craved a baked potato so we went out for family lunch to Jason's Deli. We took a nap for about 2 hours!
After that, I went to the bathroom and there it was again.
Red. Angry. Clumps.
I felt angry. And nauseous. And wanting it to end but you can never admit that because maybe it would happen and that's not really what I want.
I've been to the restroom twice since then and this last visit it was brown again.
I'm living moment to moment. I'm dreading tomorrow- all day with no laying down time, since that seems to be the only thing keeping this under control. Bean is planning to come home early but that is incredibly difficult for him. Also lying to everyone sucks.
Bean doesn't want to talk about the thing that sucks about the possibility of this not working out, which for me is:
-telling people about the situation
-seeing everyone's disappointment and pity
-fielding questions about our decisions through this process: why use a midwife? (Does she really know anything?) what's causing this/what's wrong with your body? (Never explicitly asked) and what could you have done to prevent this? ....The underlying question behind all of the questions that somehow puts the blame on my shoulders instead of accepting that it was the natural course of things and being ok with that.
I honestly hope that his is just a simple bleeding issue that will resolve itself with rest and we will get to keep this baby.
But it's not up to me to have the answers right now, I just have to wait. Moment by moment.
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