In the Home Stretch

December 15, 2015
13 weeks, 4 days

This is hard to begin because I don't know where to start. So many things have happened since I last wrote that I know I will forget details that I might want to know in the future. That sounds ominous.

I'm still pregnant and doing well. I'm attached to this baby against my mind's best efforts to avoid it.

After the strongest episode of bleeding, I met with my midwife who did more blood work and decided to put me on an oral Progesterone, instead of the cream I had been using. So my routine has been this: wake up around 4am (naturally), take my thyroid. When I wake up a couple of hours later, I take the Progesterone, then drink my B vitamin and Prenatal vitamin (it's a lot of liquid) with a baby aspirin. Then I can eat breakfast. Then before bed I take another Progesterone.

She wanted to send me for an ultrasound at that point. I was around 7 weeks, and I was 8 weeks on the dot when I went to the OB who did my surgery for an in office ultrasound. I didn't want the trauma of going to an imaging center where they don't tell you anything and you have to wait for the result. I just wanted reassurance.

The appointment was so quick, maybe 15 minutes. He did a transvaginal ultrasound and as soon as he saw it, he turned the screen, showed us the baby and pointed out the flickering heartbeat. I was in such shock that it was actually there, beating at around 160 bpm, that it didn't sink it. The baby was measuring 7 weeks 5 days, so only 2 days smaller than my chart's timing, which is amazing. They aren't concerned within a week discrepancy. Bean was immediately excited and felt so much better about the situation! It was great to see the relief on his face, even if I wasn't exactly feeling it.

When I got in my car, I called three friends who knew about the appointment and left sobbing messages on their voicemails. Something about saying out loud that there's a heartbeat and it's 160 made it sink in so much more. I relaxed the rest of the day while Abby was at school.

At this point, I was nauseous every day, pretty much all day long. I figured out what foods worked (oatmeal every morning) and which ones didn't (Chipotle- that's terrible coming back up). I spent every afternoon laying on the couch trying not to move/dozing while the TV babysat my kid. She loved it. I felt guilty, but I knew I was just trying to survive and not fall apart.

We went to a friend's birthday celebration after that, and Bean and I successfully did the bait & switch beer trick. We brought beer, both opened them at the same time and while I carried it around, Bean guzzled his. Then he rinsed his out and filled it with water and we switched. Then I could fill it up with water and carry it around while actually 'drinking'. I was surprised I made it through the evening without much nausea, but I guess you can mentally distract yourself if the situation presents itself. I fielded uncomfortable questions about whether we planned to use a fertility specialist; the topic we had been talking about was adoption, and we gave no indication we were planning to try and get pregnant (or in this case, already were!). This was the exact type of conversation I don't want to have, and a reason I didn't want to share our news until we felt comfortable.

Seeing the heartbeat helped, but it didn't take the doubt away.

The nausea started to fade around 10 weeks, with several good days, followed by a really terrible one, and then several more good days. I vomited more this time than with any other pregnancy. A lady at a sushi restaurant told me it was a boy since I broke out all over my chest. (Thanks for noticing! haha) Cravings included shrimp tempura roll and sour candy. I didn't touch any Halloween candy. Chocolate is no bueno.

We planned to tell Bean's parents and grandparents when I was exactly 10 weeks. I was letting him do the talking, but he literally didn't say anything. I think we were both still uneasy about starting to announce the news because we didn't feel totally secure.

We made it through my cousin's son's birthday party at Chuck E Cheese without spilling the news, and hopefully with no real indication that I was extremely nauseous while we were there. The lights and sounds were a little much! (Side note, this time I actually got nauseous from a song on the radio, which is interesting and strange).

In the meantime, I got a call that my thyroid was off from the blood work they did at the OB office. So we changed my dose and I had 2 weeks of taking that before my next visit. At that point, we were out of the minute by minute stage and into the few days to week stage. I was able to relax a little and let things happen and I didn't feel quite as desperate for anxiety relief.

Also during that time my friend that I'd been trying to conceive and going through the hard stuff with found out that her baby didn't make it and had a D&C just before Thanksgiving. I was heartbroken for her and felt guilty that I was still in the game.

My belly was starting to bloat at this point, so as soon as we went into my mom's house, we let Abby tell her that she's going to be a big sister. My mom was shocked and it took awhile for it all to sink in, but as I told her all the details of the stressful time and the bleeding and the appointments, and seeing the heartbeat, she started to get excited.

We planned to announce to my family on Thanksgiving, the best holiday ever, but nobody wanted to go around and say what they were thankful for this year, so we didn't. Later in the evening, my uncle offered some wine and I told him I couldn't. He said, "Why, are you pregnant?" and I said yes. Then my aunt was asking why I didn't say anything, and I told her what my plan had been. So she made her 3 kids, and us go around and say what we are thankful for. I said mine and it was kind of funny because my cousins could care less.

Friday, we told my dad, stepmom, and brother as soon as we got over there (again, the bloated stomach made it a little obvious). They were excited, and it made for easy conversation since I didn't have to keep this big secret. We went to a holiday lantern festival that afternoon and evening which was neat, until I started feeling nauseous and needed to lay down.

That next week we went to dinner with Bean's parents and while I kept waiting for him to say something, I just went for it, and had Abby tell them again that she's going to be a big sister. They were so excited and said that they kind of had been wondering. We had canceled a couple of dinners with them due to my nausea and it's obvious if I don't drink. After the family get together Bean's Granny Margaret called his parents and asked them if I was pregnant, to which they told her they weren't sure. She was sure I was. They also got a call from his intuitive Aunt asking if I was pregnant and she hasn't even seen me! She has guessed it every single time!

It felt good to have the information out there and relieved some of the pressure I was feeling. I was surprised that my apprehension about telling was all for naught, since I felt better after being able to be honest about what we had been dealing with over the past couple of months!

At my 12 week appointment, I was really hoping to hear the heartbeat on the doppler. I had felt a distinct thump two different times that I knew was the baby. But I was not sure I could trust my intuition after my miscarriages. I thought I felt movement with Baby B in the week before we found out. Clearly I was wrong about that.

So we chatted, I found out I hadn't gained any weight- a relief, since I was hoping to not gain as much as I did with Abby. Then she started feeling around with the doppler, and a heartbeat was hard to come by. Kathleen thinks she caught it for a second but the baby was moving too much. I didn't feel secure that she had found it since we didn't hear it for more than a second or two.

We went into the other room and pulled up her extremely old and grainy ultrasound machine. She told me I have an anterior placenta, which means it's in the front and seemed happy for me about that since I won't feel movement as much- which means it won't wake me up at night near the end. Then I saw the baby's head, with a little arm up by the head, and she showed me where the feet are, and it's the exact spot I felt those two thumps!

Just knowing that the positive feelings I've been having this whole time are real, and that I've felt the baby moving and I was right, made me feel a million times better. I started to weep a little bit with relief. It was amazing, and I couldn't help it, I fell head over heels. I've tried to avoid getting attached, until I pass certain milestones- like seeing the heartbeat on ultrasound, or hearing it on a doppler, or making it past 16 weeks, or until the anatomy scan at 20 weeks.

But this time I couldn't help it.

I'm enjoying the process now. Probably because most of the stress and anxiety is gone, along with the nausea. I'm enjoying not being huge yet. I'm enjoying knowing that there's a human in there that my body is making. I'm enjoying the sweet moments where Abby hugs my belly, kisses it, and says, "I wuv you, baby".

I want to wrap up this post with a funny story, and a pregnancy first for me.

Abby and I went to the mall on a whim a few days ago and I recently discovered leggings and haven't worn jeans since. So I was wearing my leggings and a semi-loose chambray shirt. I had briefly considered calling a mom friend in the area that I hadn't seen in a couple of months but figured she had out of town visitors (she's British) this whole month and was probably busy. So Abby and I are in the middle of eating lunch and she says she has to use the restroom.

Quick thinking on my part, and we leave all of our food, our expensive stroller and my nice leather jacket next to the table and sprint across the food court to get to the potty in time. As we are walking back (hoping nobody stole our stuff!), I see my friend and her parents! So we are all excited, saying Hi and hugging, and I told her I thought about calling her.

Next thing I know, she reaches out, touches my belly and says, "Are you expecting?" and then immediately retracts her hand and starts apologizing! I told her I was, and laughed. She felt so bad for assuming, and then asking, but it made me feel good that she noticed and asked. I would have just said it if it had come up but it was hilarious the way that it did!