Baby Diary Week 7

8-16-12

"The further I get down this road, the closer I get to you..."

Jason Boland knows just how to make a girl cry. I started listening to the song because the tune is slightly depressing, and that's just how I was feeling at the moment- hopeless and confused. My job is something I've struggled with for several years now. But I'm stubborn and I think that you can overcome anything with the way you look at it. Unfortunately I'm also finding out that that's wrong.

You can't make yourself enjoy something that you just plain don't. You can lie to yourself, and you might believe it for awhile. You can look at the positive, focus on the things you do like. But sooner or later if the negatives outweigh the positives for you, it will all catch up and you will have to make the decision you've avoided for so long: to continue being miserable or change it.

"Will good outshine bad, can he turn this thing around
Should he drop to his knees, just give up now
Begging for release in the night
Has he gone too far to fight?"

Then this song by Eli Young Band came on. And it reminded me of a conversation at one of the coolest places on earth: Machu Picchu. About scary things, and how that hike was literally the scariest thing I'd ever done, but I did it. I finished it. The sense of pride is intense, but it also shows that nothing is scarier than the possibility of falling off the edge of a cliff to your painful death. Not even giving up a career path that's not working anymore. No matter how hard you try to fix it, or look at the positives.

When you reach the end of your rope, you've reached it. There is no more rope!

Only one week until we get to make sure you are real at our midwife appointment. I sure hope you are because A) you are my ticket out of this career (no pressure!) and B) the thought of how to teach you the lessons I'm trying so hard to learn now is my sole motivation for making a change.

The thought of you working so hard and so long for something that isn't making you happy breaks my heart. That doesn't mean to give up. Quite the oppposite, it means to try your hardest to make any situation work, but if you know you've given it your best and it's not working out, I hope you can learn when to walk away, even when it's scary.