Bud,
So far I've taken the advice and avoided thinking about you. I've listened to voicemails, read emails, and looked at pictures, but not processing any of it. I'm still completely numb, and I'm not sure what it will take for me to let go a little bit and really think about it.

Last week I had a dream that didn't seem real, so I didn't realize what it was at the time. I was riding my bike with someone and I hurried to catch up to them- it was you- and you told me to wait here and rode ahead of me. I couldn't catch up. It wasn't realistic like the dreams I had about Donna, it seemed like a dream.

This morning I woke up before 4am and laid there imagining myself watching our spring break road trip to Utah video and laughing at it. And then calling you to go over all the funny parts. After I imagined all of that, I realized that I feel completely empty. Even when this baby kicks me, I can't connect. There's no way to explain it. Just.... blank.

I pictured myself going to your house and hanging out with Louis- I would be the one hysterical and he would be fine because he's able to deal with this now, not trying to put it off. And then I'm the one putting my grief on him. The next time we will be in Houston will probably be for the 4th of July- that's a long time to wait. Does he want to hear about the baby when it comes?

It has to be ok for me to deal with this a little bit now. Waiting scares me more because then I'll have a kid to take care of and I don't know what to expect. I'm so mad at your doctor, I think there should have been more tests run, you should have been in the office before this happened. The bear claw hands were obviously not ok- did she know about them? You gained several pounds in a week and we both thought you were just starting to catch up- that's not what it was. How does something so normal- being pregannt- turn out to be so dangerous? Were you drinking enough water?

You were supposed to get old and buy your parents house and I was going to come visit. You guys would have come up to our house with Evan sometime this year...and when we build our next house you would come see that one too. I want you to call and tell me about your birth story, that my fears for you did not come true. I was so worried you would end up with some kind of surgery that you didn't want. I'm sad that you really did end up with that, and it's not something we can talk about.

I knew Army Wives was going to be the follow up to last week's really hard episode and I tried to watch it this morning when I woke up so early but for some reason it didn't record last night. Maybe it's a sign that I really shouldn't watch it right now. But you know I'm stubborn so I've procrastinated on all of my other tasks today, I know it will come on at 1pm and I plan to watch it then.

I wish I had done a better job in my speech at your wedding, it was too short. I also wish I had elaborated more at the viewing. People are so annoying, they all talk about how close they were to you, how they know this or that. But I know you would be just as grossed out as me at this commercial on TLC about a lady drinking animal blood. And we would probably talk about it for at least 15 minutes, which would then turn into something about another show, and then something someone at work said, and then who knows where the conversation would go. Except now it won't.