This week I'm starting to get the hang of being at home.
It's a really strange feeling, to reconnect with myself and remember how to ignore everything else. I'm going to avoid my soapbox about people working so many hours (and feeling like they have to) versus being happy with less. That's not to say that I'm not thankful for the things my job has given me- there's no way we would have paid off all of our debt by now without it. But there's no reason to work so many hours and be miserable when you only get one shot at life.
The hard part is trying to protect my and Buck's health and also process losing Liz. And also process not going into work. And fielding phone calls, emails, questions, and helpful offers of things to fill my time or requests to spend time together.
Grief is a really weird thing. It feels like I know what it will take to get to a good place again- I know the steps, I know how it feels. But I'm afraid to get it started. That means accepting what happened as a fact and I still don't think it's real. With Donna, I pretended she lived in Houston until I went back there. Then I pretended she lived in Austin pretty much until about 9+ months ago when we went there for a girls weekend. I think that trip finally gave me more closure on losing her, and it was 5 years after the fact. It took a long time, and she was sick, so we expected it more than this time. This is a shock.
It's weird when people cry and I don't. I feel like I have to comfort them but I don't know how. And to be honest, I don't care to.
I know that I'm lucky to have so many people who care and want to be there for me, but honestly nobody will take the place of Liz. I feel better when I talk to people who feel the loss in a similar way to me- my girlfriends, my mom, and just today, Mrs. Martine. I feel worse when I talk to people who think about the situation abstractly and try to put their own thoughts of 'how would I feel?' into it.
I'm very thankful for this time to reconnect to myself. And to enjoy being at my house! There are so many things I've wanted to do for months or years that I never had time for because I was working so many hours and so busy 'living life' other than that. My priorities are changing, I just have to listen to them, and learn what I'm supposed to from this experience.
2 comments:
Listen & Learn. Over the years I have discovered that unexplainable situations are a LIFE-LONG experience of listening & learning. I have had a deep concern for you since Liz' death regarding your health & Buck's health and the processing of the loss of Liz & Evan. Many years ago, I had a pregnant friend who suffered... yet survived another friend's premmie's struggles and the loss of my full-term stillborn son just 6 weeks before her healthy & happy son was born. Cyber-hugs with much love.
I'm so glad you are having the time and space to begin processing the loss of Liz and Evan, as well as all of your plans and dreams to have the babies grow up together. This is a terrible time, but I know that you also have a hope and a future with your own baby. Grief takes just as long as it takes .... don't let anyone try to talk you out of it, or make you feel bad that "it is taking too long to get over it". Love you!
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