BBB2: The Big Event

Caution: This post is graphic and has details, just like a regular post about childbirth. I need to write it out so that I can share it with anyone who has a similar experience and needs an idea of what to expect.

To pick up where I left off, the ultrasound tech we had at this second appointment was great about setting up our expectations. She told us that she wouldn't be able to show us anything since the ultrasound was ordered 'stat'. She said she would see what she could, and then call the midwife. We weren't allowed to leave the waiting room until they had confirmed the information had been passed on to her. I really appreciated her explaining it to me and setting me up that she wouldn't show me anything- good or bad.

We went back to the waiting room and sat there for probably 15 minutes, which felt like an hour. Then on the way home I got a call from the midwife's office letting me know I could call the ultrasound place and get the results. I told the receptionist that we just left there a couple of minutes ago and they told us to wait to hear from the midwife. She said she would check on that and call me back.

We got home, put Abby down for a nap, and were all sitting around waiting on the phone to ring. Kathleen called and said that there wasn't a heartbeat, and that the baby had stopped growing at about 7 weeks. According to the dates on the first scan, I was about 12 weeks, and the first scan happened around 7 weeks. So she saw a heartbeat and the baby died within the next few days. It explains why I was having a hard time feeling connected to the pregnancy. It seemed so surreal the whole time.

The week before our appointment I had started spotting brown, not much, but it was there every day. Kathleen told me to take it easy, rest with my feet up and drink lots of water. I would lay there at night with my hands on my stomach, trying to get a feel for the baby. Mainly I felt empty but I told myself it was just because I hadn't hear the heartbeat yet.

The week of the appointment, it turned red. She told me to keep resting, to avoid carrying Abby around, and to monitor the amount. There was a chance it was a problem with the placenta or another sub-chorionic hemorrhage like I had with Abby. She said I could come in to hear the heartbeat, or I could wait until the appointment. I didn't let myself go 'there' mentally yet, but I figured I would play it by ear until the appointment.

So now here we are, sitting in our living room and she tells me the baby died about 5 weeks ago. She told me to look for more blood and clots, and to schedule a follow up in 2 weeks. She asked me to call and give her updates on how it was going. I still haven't done that but I know she understands. The best part about Kathleen is she trusts me to know my body and to care for myself.

We had Olive Garden for dinner because I wanted Black Tie Mousse Cake. I couldn't fall asleep that night but I finally went to bed around 11. At midnight I woke up with some cramping. I lay in bed trying to relax and fall back asleep. Growing up I would get cramps so bad that I would have to stay home from school and take a nap with a heating pad- it was the only way to make it go away. Up until this, I hadn't had any pain that resembled that at all. At this point, it was still manageable, and I would have still gone to school.

Within a couple of hours- probably by 3am, it was so bad I couldn't think straight. I couldn't relax my body. It followed the same pattern that the labor with Abby did. The main difference was that the contractions were in such a small area- the size of my fist, deep in my belly; instead of covering my entire (large) belly. So the pain was intense and concentrated, and I would definitely call it pain this time, not just a 'sensation'. There were rarely breaks, it felt like each wave was right on top of the next one. Soon enough, Bean was awake from my moans and moving around so much.

I kept questioning whether I should go upstairs and get the heating pad. How long would it last? Should I try to hold out? Next was the intense pressure and I could feel my cervix stretching open- very slowly. I went upstairs and tried not to wake up my mom while I got the heating pad. She did wake up a little and I let her know the pain was pretty bad. I went downstairs and took 2 motrin while Bean got some towels for the bed. I was paranoid about ruining our new mattress and sheets! He also got the heating pad plugged in and turned on the highest setting.

I laid down and within 5-10 minutes of having that heating pad on my bare skin, I felt a pop, then a gush, and the pain went away. Bean helped me get to the toilet and get all cleaned up. I believe that the amniotic sac/baby was in the toilet at that time. But we didn't go fishing for anything because it was 4am! I got back into bed and Bean left for work.

Around 6:30, Abby woke up so we got our day started. When I went to the restroom, I passed a silver dollar sized/shaped clot which I think was the placenta. That day we tried to just have a relaxing time with mom and take it easy. I had no more pain or heavy bleeding, just regular period stuff.

The number one goal was getting the follow up appointment scheduled and getting a refund on my prenatal yoga class.

Even though the baby died weeks prior, in our minds we lost our baby on May 30th after a 4 hour labor. I'm so grateful that I knew what to expect out of a normal labor so I could frame it in my mind in the same way. It was harder because we didn't get the prize at the end.