BBB2: The Aftermath

CAUTION: More graphic details here. Skip it if you don't want to hear it- I won't get my feelings hurt!

Here we are, 5.5 weeks after the big event and I'm still not sure where I stand. We were told to wait a full week after the bleeding stopped before resuming 'marital relations' and today I'm starting that countdown for the third time, which is a real bummer.

About a week after the big event, the bleeding had slowed down, but I was still waking up with backaches and headaches. The Sunday before our follow-up visit I was having some minor cramping, nothing I would miss school or work for (because of my difficult periods growing up, I base everything around if I could handle it, or if it was so painful that I'd need to stay home and take a nap with a heating pad or not). I decided to lay down with a heating pad because- damn it! I'd already been through enough and I didn't want to feel it, no matter how minor it was. So we decided to go get some lunch and when I finished putting Abby in the car, I felt something come out. It was larger than a quarter, big and gross, and had a definite odor. I felt completely disgusting and unnerved. I thought I was done, and now this?!

I told Kathleen about it at the follow up appointment and she asked a few questions to make sure I didn't have an infection. Then she did an exam- it was painful, especially when she jostled my uterus to make sure it was where it should be, and she also did blood work to make sure my hcg level went down.

The next Sunday, I started the first countdown and I was so excited! Excited to be getting back to normal and trying to enjoy having my body to myself instead of growing and feeding a human- it had been 2 years straight at this point. Which means I was enjoying wine. And I took an extremely hot detox bath, and loved it. Kathleen called and said my hcg was at 300 something which was too high. It has to go back to zero for me to get periods back and for us to try again.

That countdown made it about 4 days until some spotting started up again, then a couple of days more of bleeding. Nothing big, just not something I would count as a day without bleeding. Countdown #1 over. Bummer.

About a week after that, same thing- I started the countdown over. Super excited! Especially because we had a follow up to check on my hcg levels in a few days and I needed them to be at zero so I could officially move forward.

On our way out of town for the 4th of July holiday weekend, I went in for that follow-up blood draw, and the spotting was already starting up again. Now here's where it gets really embarassing: I bled through my shorts! Just the thing you were always so afraid of in middle school when you were still learning about your body and had to wear khaki pants and it was a pretty risky thing.

It happened 2 days after the blood draw. We were meeting some friends for cupcakes and a glass of wine, pretty late at night- thank goodness the wine bar was dark inside and it was midnight outside or someone might have seen it. Granted, I wasn't wearing anything to prevent this from happening, but still!

So now here I am, a week out from that blood draw and I haven't heard back on what my levels were. But the good news is I'm starting the countdown over again. I really hope this is my 20-ish days until my regular period because I'm ready.

I hate that everyone in my life knows about the miscarriage, and I also hate that most people don't ask about it because they are afraid of triggering something in me. Why is everyone so fragile these days? I'm happy to talk about it. I think it's healing for me to explain the story, and then the person hearing it can walk in my shoes for a little bit, and that just brings us closer together. I love seeing pregnant women, although sometimes I wonder how big I would be at this point, I'm not focusing on that. I just can't- there's no use dwelling on what could have been. Instead I focus on the 10 lbs I gained from this- that is all hanging out in a lovely jelly roll- that I'm not interested in. Shame on me for eating oreos everyday and using pregnancy as an excuse! haha

Maybe I needed this to help me reconnect to myself before going through it again. Some people can have babies back to back, and maybe I'm not one of them. Physically, maybe, but not emotionally. It's been a pretty tough road for Bean and I. I'm looking forward to the Fall, when Abby starts going to Mother's Day Out twice a week. I'm making new goals for myself: this week I'm going to cook something from scratch everyday, and only eat in a restaurant twice. There's a gym nearby that has workout classes at 9:30 every morning, so when I think Abby can handle being up that late in the morning, I'm going to start going.

And moment by moment, I'm working on being kinder to myself and others. For some reason this loss has made me fall back into judgmental thoughts about others that I don't want to have, and that I had given up after Abby was born. So minute by minute I'm working on that.

Great Example: I'm choosing to not beat myself up about the fact that just yesterday I finally uploaded the pictures from our First Family Vacation into the computer. The vacation was the last week of April into May, and I've already forgotten most of the detail so I can't write a blog post for each day now. I'm sure I'll be able to let it go.

I guess that's life: you just cruise along, look for the bright side, and see where the road takes you next.