The worst is finally over. I still can't believe I had the M word. I definitely prefer to say 'We lost the baby' to that word. Let me go back a little bit because the letters I wrote to BBB2 were more about how I was feeling about the pregnancy, rather than details about what was happening with it.
We went for our second appointment about a week ago. We were really looking forward to it. I thought I was 15 weeks, going on 16, but we needed to find out what had happened at our first appointment/ultrasound a month before. We were looking forward to hearing the heartbeat since we hadn't yet but we knew there was one. We sent out pregnancy announcements to everyone we know (65 announcements for over 100 people) a week or two prior and had been receiving congratulations emails and things.
At our first appointment, I thought I was 10-11 weeks. I was so excited to be so far along since we had just found out about a month before that. It was my first cycle after having Abby, so I expected the dates to be a little weird, and maybe I had ovulated later than we thought. We couldn't find the heartbeat on the doppler at the office and my midwife has a very old ultrasound machine that couldn't get close enough to see anything, so she sent me to a place that solely does ultrasounds to have them check on the size of the baby and we could base our dates off of that. The exact same thing happened with Abby so I wasn't worried.
The ultrasound experience was different than anything I experienced previously. The tech didn't say much of anything, and she didn't show us the screen. She didn't turn on the sound so we could hear the heartbeat. It wasn't until she was done with the internal scan and I realized she really wasn't going to show me anything that I said, "So, can you tell me anything?!" She quietly said 'Congratulations'. And then 'The only thing we look for in the first trimester is a heartbeat'. So I said, "So there was one?" She nodded. "What was it?" She thought it was strange that I asked. "117" she said. I told her it might be a boy because the heart rate was below 140- one of the old wives tales that was true for me last time. We didn't get a picture or anything.
The only reason it was weird was that every time we went to the same place with Abby we saw the screen, heard the heartbeat, and got a print out (or 4). And we were told what the due date was since it changes by a few days each time.
I called my midwife the next day and they said no news is good news and that other patients had had similar experiences where the ultrasound tech wouldn't say anything because they were a stickler for the rules. That made sense but it didn't make me feel any more settled.
So you can imagine why we were really looking forward to the second appointment- we would finally hear our baby's heartbeat, get a better sense of a due date if it was different, and rest easy knowing we were growing another sweet child that would hopefully be as cute as the one we have.
I was looking forward to the holidays with 2 kids- I planned to take them both for their first pictures with Santa together. I was figuring out how I would still be able to go to the mall with 2 kids. I was looking forward to relaxing more during the newborn stage and enjoying the snuggles that come with nursing. I couldn't wait to see Abby as a big sister and knew it would be really good for her to not be the center of attention. She loves babies and is sweet with them when she sees them. I couldn't wait to start getting feelings of whether it was a boy or a girl, and I really couldn't wait to meet them and find it all out. I couldn't wait to know what their name would be.
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