8 Weeks

January 2, 2015

Baby C,
Thank you for listening to me. The nausea is here from about 10am (sometimes even before that) and lasts until I finally fall asleep. It waxes and wanes depending on what, how much, and how frequently I eat. Nothing sounds good but I'm always starving. Water makes me nauseous. When I eat, I burp, which makes me nauseous. If I wait too long to eat, my stomach hurts and I get nauseous.

Thankfully, the foods that sometimes sound good to me are much healthier this time around: apples, chipotle, toast with butter and strawberry jam, lemonade, yogurt and crunchy ground beef tacos. Also Whataburger, Chick Fil A nuggets, and popsicles. All better than McDonald's fake nuggets and Hi-C!

I had another short incidence of brown spotting this week and I think it's because I'm not drinking enough water. It happened at the end of the day after I had been able to relax on the couch much longer than normal because Bean was home. It's amazing to me that I used to work 48 hours a week on my feet with no set breaks with this kind of nausea. I did barf more often that time though. And maybe it helped being distracted.

A little over a week before our first appointment and I can't wait. Mentally, I find myself going back and forth between a very vivid dream I had where Theresa Caputo said, "I see a boy in August 2015", to thinking about twins, to thinking this is all a joke and my nausea is all in my head. I will feel so relieved to hear your heartbeat- when I picture it, I tear up. I can see myself, in the room at the office, Kathleen with her doppler pressed really low on my stomach, then her recognition and my relief at hearing it. In this fantasy I start to cry.

Then I remember that at my first appointment both times previously we weren't able to find a heartbeat on the doppler at the first visit, so I was sent for an ultrasound and that's where things could go either way. If we get a good tech, we may see images, hear a heartbeat, and get pictures. If we don't, or if something is wrong, we won't. In this fantasy, I don't know what I feel because I'm not allowing myself to go there, especially not to the bad place.

The doppler fantasy feels more right to me, although I would love to still have an ultrasound right off the bat just for the peace of mind.

Please keep growing strong. 2015 feels like a good year.