Mid-morning, something funny happened. First of all, I was wearing my last clean manager shirt. This sounds gross, but managers know to save at least one shirt for the day when their boss visits so that you don't have to worry about a paint-stained or wrinkly shirt, you can just pull the new clean one out and go. I don't know why I decided to wear it that day, other than I realized I was getting close to the end of my pregnancy and I might as well break it in before I wasn't wearing it anymore.
Then this happened. I have never before stamped a whole gallon can lid to any part of my body, let alone my pregnant belly! It was so funny to me that I shot out a text to the girls at 8:38am with this picture.
Mainly I wondered what funny comment Liz would have to say about it- oddly enough, I also knew I wouldn't hear from her that day. We had planned a phone date sometime later in the week to review every detail of our showers together. I finished out the work day and headed home around 3pm. I was contemplating a quick stop off at the grocery store to pick up something for dinner when Bean called, asking where I was. I told him my predicament and he said I should go home and he would meet me there. Something in the tone of his voice was off.
I got home and started worrying that something was wrong with one of his family members and that we might need to go to a hospital or something. I kept myself busy by cleaning up the kitchen while I waited for him to get there- and gave myself a pep talk on how to be supportive when he told me why his voice sounded so weird.
When he got there, I was standing in the living room, and I asked what was wrong. He said, "If Liz were going to the hospital, which one would it be?" I got kind of excited because it was entirely possible that she had gone into labor and was headed to the hospital. I told him it would be where my mom worked.
We decided that I should call and see if mom had seen Liz there. It took awhile to get her on the phone (she was on the other line) and she sounded kinda weird too. She asked if Bean was there, and then asked to talk to him. I heard him say, "No, not yet", and then my mom talked and he had a weird look on his face. I asked what was going on and he said, "There's something wrong with Liz and Evan... they died".
NO. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. I repeated it over and over and started pacing the room. What are you talking about? That can't be true. It's just not possible. He told me how Connie had run into Liz's parents leaving their house very quickly (she was on a walk) and Ms. Eva shouted out the window that Liz and Evan had died as they drove off. NO. I don't believe it. She must be wrong. I'm going on a walk!
We walked out the door and walked FAST up and down the sidewalks of our neighborhood with no real direction. He thought I should sit down, but I needed to get that energy out. I thought there was no way it was true, and that I would wait to hear from my mom before believing it. If they had been at the hospital, mom and Liz's brother would have known about it- mom is a nurse and her brother is a doctor and they work in Labor and Delivery together.
A little while later after I had calmed down a bit, we went home and I sat there in shock. I called Jess. She had just been on the phone with Connie. I wasn't sure if she knew what had happened, but I asked if she wanted to come over and she did. Turns out she knew what had happened, and we just wanted to make sure it was true before spreading the word. We got on the phone with Mom again and she told me that she had seen Liz's brother running through the parking lot to his car. She had his personal cell phone number, so she called it and he answered. He was at Liz's house and it was true.
That night, the lights were half out in the house and it gradually got darker. I sat in the living room on the couch thinking about everything, not believing it and wondering exactly what happened to her. At one point, I was sitting alone in silence and I could hear Jess in the kitchen breaking the news to Brittney and crying. Bean was outside talking to my midwife to find out what we needed to do and if we could get an appointment sooner than the one we had scheduled on Thursday since we would be leaving town- and also making sure it was ok for us to go since I was 36 weeks- just at the point where you should stay close to home. He was crying too but I didn't know that until my midwife told me later.
Calling the girls was the worst part, mainly because it was so shocking and unexpected, and to break horrible news like that out of the blue just plain sucks. I was also fielding texts from friends in Houston asking me if it was true. A couple of friends decided to go over to the house and just be there- this was before I'd heard back from my mom. One friend called and said they were carrying her body out. Hearing him say that made me want to vomit. Or Ralph as Liz used to say.
I canceled my chiropractor appointment and called my assistant and told him I wasn't coming in the next day and why. I apologized for leaving him in a pickle and tried to explain all the random junk that was going on. Thursday I had a midwife appointment and she took one look at me and said, "You're not going back to work". She wrote me a note basically putting me on bedrest until further notice.
So that's what I did. I somehow made it through the funeral and proudly spoke at the viewing on Friday right after her cousins which made me feel very special, then I came home and laid on the couch. I don't even know how many days passed, but I just laid on that couch with the TV on and I didn't watch it. I had my eyes closed but I didn't sleep. I felt so sad but I couldn't cry. It was like the whole house was in a fog.
When I went to work one year ago today, I had no idea it would be my last day. Nor did I think it would be the day my life changed forever. I just thought it was the funny day when I stamped paint on my belly in it's last clean manager shirt.
When he got there, I was standing in the living room, and I asked what was wrong. He said, "If Liz were going to the hospital, which one would it be?" I got kind of excited because it was entirely possible that she had gone into labor and was headed to the hospital. I told him it would be where my mom worked.
We decided that I should call and see if mom had seen Liz there. It took awhile to get her on the phone (she was on the other line) and she sounded kinda weird too. She asked if Bean was there, and then asked to talk to him. I heard him say, "No, not yet", and then my mom talked and he had a weird look on his face. I asked what was going on and he said, "There's something wrong with Liz and Evan... they died".
NO. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. I repeated it over and over and started pacing the room. What are you talking about? That can't be true. It's just not possible. He told me how Connie had run into Liz's parents leaving their house very quickly (she was on a walk) and Ms. Eva shouted out the window that Liz and Evan had died as they drove off. NO. I don't believe it. She must be wrong. I'm going on a walk!
We walked out the door and walked FAST up and down the sidewalks of our neighborhood with no real direction. He thought I should sit down, but I needed to get that energy out. I thought there was no way it was true, and that I would wait to hear from my mom before believing it. If they had been at the hospital, mom and Liz's brother would have known about it- mom is a nurse and her brother is a doctor and they work in Labor and Delivery together.
A little while later after I had calmed down a bit, we went home and I sat there in shock. I called Jess. She had just been on the phone with Connie. I wasn't sure if she knew what had happened, but I asked if she wanted to come over and she did. Turns out she knew what had happened, and we just wanted to make sure it was true before spreading the word. We got on the phone with Mom again and she told me that she had seen Liz's brother running through the parking lot to his car. She had his personal cell phone number, so she called it and he answered. He was at Liz's house and it was true.
That night, the lights were half out in the house and it gradually got darker. I sat in the living room on the couch thinking about everything, not believing it and wondering exactly what happened to her. At one point, I was sitting alone in silence and I could hear Jess in the kitchen breaking the news to Brittney and crying. Bean was outside talking to my midwife to find out what we needed to do and if we could get an appointment sooner than the one we had scheduled on Thursday since we would be leaving town- and also making sure it was ok for us to go since I was 36 weeks- just at the point where you should stay close to home. He was crying too but I didn't know that until my midwife told me later.
Calling the girls was the worst part, mainly because it was so shocking and unexpected, and to break horrible news like that out of the blue just plain sucks. I was also fielding texts from friends in Houston asking me if it was true. A couple of friends decided to go over to the house and just be there- this was before I'd heard back from my mom. One friend called and said they were carrying her body out. Hearing him say that made me want to vomit. Or Ralph as Liz used to say.
I canceled my chiropractor appointment and called my assistant and told him I wasn't coming in the next day and why. I apologized for leaving him in a pickle and tried to explain all the random junk that was going on. Thursday I had a midwife appointment and she took one look at me and said, "You're not going back to work". She wrote me a note basically putting me on bedrest until further notice.
So that's what I did. I somehow made it through the funeral and proudly spoke at the viewing on Friday right after her cousins which made me feel very special, then I came home and laid on the couch. I don't even know how many days passed, but I just laid on that couch with the TV on and I didn't watch it. I had my eyes closed but I didn't sleep. I felt so sad but I couldn't cry. It was like the whole house was in a fog.
When I went to work one year ago today, I had no idea it would be my last day. Nor did I think it would be the day my life changed forever. I just thought it was the funny day when I stamped paint on my belly in it's last clean manager shirt.
2 comments:
It soothes my heart to read your blog as you work out your grief and piece together your shattered emotions. Mending a broken heart is painful and to stop loving is not an option. I enjoyed both Liz' shower story and your shower story along with your trip back to Shadowdale. Keep writing! It brings pleasure.
I didn't know the story about the paint on your manager's shirt .... so sad to think about this whole episode again ... glad that you are finding a way to work through it a little bit at a time. Love you!
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