I know I have the strength to start over, I've done it several times now. Finally this time, I am beginning to live a life I am proud of. There are so many things that play into this proud life but the crux of it is loving myself, treating myself with care and respect, and not allowing others to disrespect me. I'm on my way to being who I want to be.
I want to be kind and compassionate. I did find it hard to be a good friend when I was in the midst of dealing with Bud's death, then my miscarriages. It was hard to respond. But the friends who are true stuck with me and they know that I'm trying. Those closest to me know how far I've come in the last year, and I'm told they are proud. Those who are not close talk about me to other people.
Who I want to be is so complex, but at the heart of it: I want to be peaceful. The hardest part is stepping away from people and situations that are unhealthy. When something happens and I can feel the adrenaline in my body- coursing through every cell- that tells me to run away. Or fight. But fighting is not very peaceful, is it?
I want to continue to be someone who laughs hysterically, connects with people in a meaningful, real way, and someone who sets small goals that lead to the bigger goal- for a finished house, a great career, a respectful child.
Life is simple.
When the sun shines and the breeze blows and you are driving in the car listening to Macklemore.
When your daughter cups your cheek with her hand and squints her eyes at you.
When a huge check comes in the mail.
When you finally finish your taxes after almost five hours sitting at HR Block, and you walk out of there with two packets ready to be stamped and mailed, and you know you fixed your problems.
Every single day, there is a chance to appreciate how beautiful the world is, if you only look out for it. Realizing that everyone has a different journey and that you get to choose who is part of yours gives you freedom.
I'm learning that I'm only responsible for myself and how I respond to situations. If I know that the issue is not caused by me, but by a misunderstanding on someone else's part, it's not my responsibility to fix their viewpoint. Everything looks different through another lens.
If you interpret an exchange negatively, but never pause to listen to the other side of the coin, you will never be open to the possibility that you got it wrong to begin with and you will only stay bitter. There are always two sides to every story. My job is to handle my own side, to be honest about my feelings, and to know that I treat people with respect. I don't talk about people behind their backs.
I used to.
I spent most of my life gossiping about my friends, with my friends, because I thought that was the way to gain friends- by bonding over other people's mistakes. It's embarrassing to admit to myself that I would say things behind people's backs that I would never in a million years say to their faces.
Recently I admitted to a friend that I had done this to her- talked negatively about her behind her back during the months leading up to her wedding. It hurt to tell the truth. There is a chance she will never trust me again. There's also a chance she can see where I'm changing, and choose to take me as I am now.
An important part of changing is the ability to look at yourself and see where you can grow. Really look at the things that you wish you could change, and be kind to yourself as you work toward that goal.
It is really embarrassing to admit where you have done something to hurt someone, especially when they didn't even know you were doing it. It's much more worthwhile to work on yourself and choose not to behave in that way to begin with. For me, part of that journey has been admitting my mistakes.
Life is short. If you are lucky you get 100 years, but even then, most people that you love and grew up with are dead! You have to be happy with yourself and the life you are choosing to live. It doesn't matter what other people think, at the end of the day, you get to live with the benefits of your decisions- or consequences, as they may be. When you die, all you leave is the way you loved other people, the way you made them laugh, the way you made them feel. Conversely, you can be remembered for your poor choices, for the times you were catty, and for the times you were critical.
Making other people feel good is great, but put yourself first. Do what makes you happy. What makes you feel calm, happy, relaxed? Do that. For me it's a long yoga class, or reading a good book, or a deep conversation over a delicious dinner.
Just think about it for a minute. Are you happy? Do you feel calm more often than not? Do you look forward to laughing each day?
If not, are you willing to make changes- however small- until you get there?
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