Quality Over Quanitity, Always

I've always kept an extended circle of friends- more like a complex venn diagram, really- one circle overlaps another and another and suddenly I have lots of friends through different people. In the past, I would bend over backwards to be the one who was easy to get along with, agreeing to plans even if I wasn't interested or going along with what the group wanted because I didn't want to make waves, plus I wanted everyone to like me. Don't we all?

With all the changes in my life recently, I've tried hard to listen to my gut. If an idea to hang out sounds unappealing, I listen to my gut and politely decline, or at least be honest about any reservations I have.

My first mom friend was in my post-natal yoga class, and her son is a month older than my girl. They were similar developmentally, hitting milestones around the same time for about the first year of their lives. When the kids were too mobile for us to stay in the yoga class, she suggested we try swimming at a heated indoor saltwater pool she knew about.

Swimming freaks me out. I'm not good at it. I don't know CPR. Getting in the water with a baby is frightening. I decided to not let fear win, so we started going swimming. It was really great at first- the kids would sit in these floaties and we would walk the length of the pool for at least an hour just chatting. Then the kids got bigger, and wanted out of the floaties, and then it was winter, and then other things started cropping up, so we stopped going.

Now it's almost summer again and she's ready to start going again. I told her again about my reservations, and she suggested we do our own version of swimming lessons, at a more relaxed pace. I'm still apprehensive, but I think we will try it at least once or twice. She inspires me to be honest about whether things work for me or not, because I know she is doing the same for me. If something doesn't work for her, she will just say no. It's my favorite thing about our relationship.

Lately, I also gravitate toward people who I can have a real connection with- not the shallow one based on our shared past. I started meeting up with various friends from growing up when I would go down to Houston. We would set a time and meet up for dinner or drinks.

I reconnected with a childhood friend, and it was great sharing a glass of wine and catching ourselves up on each other's lives since the last time we saw each other- probably high school. I found that a high school friend and I don't have much of anything in common and we can't relate to each other on where we are in our lives- I've dealt with so much death, I get bored with flighty conversation and gossip and those are her main topics. An old coworker and I had dinner once and while I want to try again to meet up with her, time gets away from me on these trips.

One of my favorite times was recently, I planned a dinner with an old friend who just got engaged, his fiancee, and another mutual friend. This old friend inspires me- he's hilarious and silly, and deep, and always up for a conversation, no matter which way it goes. I can really be myself and talk about things that scare other people around him and it's all good. The mutual friend and I were not on the same page for awhile- I wasn't sure what to talk about with him, so I would revert back to asking about his dating life, which he wasn't interested in talking about. We sorted that out over lunch prior to this dinner.

We all sat at an outdoor table (my favorite!) and shared smallish plates (another favorite), while splitting bottles of red wine. Four of us consumed five bottles of wine, and I don't even know how that is possible. We talked about everything: the engagement story, minimal wedding plans, apartment updates, my second miscarriage, adoption, feeling like society says you should be doing one thing, when you really want to do something else. We sat there for hours and my soul was lit up.

The beauty of reconnecting with old friends is that they have seen you at your awkward moments, and can appreciate how far you have come. They can see changes in you, and you are teaching them how to be around you. We always promise to text more, to call about important things, but so far we haven't. He texted me today just to say hi, and a new goal came to mind: to make an effort on this one. Text him if I see something funny, or just to say hi, instead of waiting for him to reach out.

If there's not a response right away, he's busy. No worries- it doesn't mean he doesn't want to be my friend anymore.

The important thing is to nurture connections with people who ignite that fire in you-  that make you want to do your best, and to try harder, who 'get' you and don't try to change you.

And then to put distance where you need it; when the friendship is not genuine or supportive, when it is critical or makes you feel bad about yourself, when you are giving more than you are receiving.

I have broken up with two friends in my post-high school life: one was a friend I met on the first day of Drawing I. We spent lots of time together, since we had most of our classes together. She had wild red curly hair and was into photography and movies. But by our Junior years, the only time she called me was to get her out of a jam- to pick her up when she was too drunk to drive, for instance. The last straw was when she called me, slurring her words, and asked me to drive over an hour to pick her up, then to take her back the next day to pick up her car. I told her I couldn't and didn't see her again.

The other was a work friend who I spent a tons of time with both in and outside of work. She had a way of viewing things in a negative light and Bean once mentioned to me that after I came home from visiting with her, I always had a negative mindset and was complaining a lot. I didn't want to be that way, so I let the friendship fade. I should have done it in a better way, but I wasn't strong enough then to tell her the truth.

I had a friend cease contact with me too, and it hurt like a motherfucker. She was one of my closest friends in high school. We had all of our classes together, worked on every project together, were in band together, and I suspect that I'm the only person that ever went over to her house- that one time. There was a misunderstanding about Senior Prom- I had my venn diagram of friends and planned to go to dinner and split a limo with one group of friends that she was not in. My understanding is that she thought we were going to do a band group and stopped talking to me after I said again that I was going with the other group.

I don't know if she is someone I would want to be friends with today, and I did run into her at a baby shower for a mutual friend last year which was extremely awkward for both of us.

The journey of finding friends that inspire you is a fun one for me, especially with my journey of trying to find more local mom friends. I enjoy a little bit of small talk, and the getting to know you talk is always split up into several sessions when there are kids in the mix. I have no doubt that I will find new friends that are just as important as Bud and Donna were to me.

Bud inspires me to be sillier, friendlier, to make plans, to go to festivals, and to be myself. She was my soulmate, the one person in the world who was most like me, and I think about her constantly. When something feels calm to my soul, I know it's her reassuring me.

Donna inspires me to recycle every single thing (I recently upped my recycling game when I found out we can put plastics #1-7 in our bin, not just #1 and #2!!), to think about our planet and conservation, to be kind, and of course to laugh hysterically without reservation.

I miss them, I'm teaching my daughter about them, and I'm so lucky to have them watching my back as I continue finding other friends that inspire and uplift. Quality over quantity, always.