A week ago we got something huge in the mail, but it was only the size of an envelope. It was something to hold in our hands and to contemplate with our hearts, something to lead us down different paths, to consider the possibilities: an information packet from an adoption agency.
We've talked about adoption several times, but usually in passing. We talked about it before we got pregnant with Abigail, when it didn't happen in the first three cycles. We talked about it again after the first miscarriage when my body was taking forever to get back to normal. And this time, we started talking about it before I got my first cycle after my surgery.
But this time, it doesn't feel like a last-ditch effort, it feels like a real option for growing our family. When my cycle returned at a normal time, I still knew in the core of my being that the last thing I wanted was to be pregnant. Ever again. I pictured us adopting our next child, maybe from a different country, and then maybe getting pregnant with twins and it would work out this time. Bean pictured us adopting an infant domestically from the foster system. We thought we should find someone to talk to about this. The perfect scenario was someone who could talk through all of the different avenues, the pros and cons of each type, and help us sort it all out before we spent any money. We wanted to feel comfortable with the path.
I tried researching online, but nothing cleared up for me. It was a big web in my mind of different options, and each path led me to more questions, and then the questions would stop. So I would start down another path, and that would eventually fizzle out because I didn't have the answers to any of my questions. All I knew was that Bean was open to talking through options, I wanted to do it, and I have a friend from South Korea who would be willing to travel with us and translate if we got that far. I love South America too and would love to adopt from there, Bean prefers a domestic adoption, and I cry every time I think about holding our child in our arms that I did not give birth to.
None of our close family or friends has adopted, so we are forging our own path. I contacted the largest adoption agency in our area and asked them to send us an information packet. It was so scary even asking for the information.
Now that we have it, some of our questions are clarified. It is still so scary. I had been ambivalent about the monetary cost to this process, but something about seeing the number on paper had me both relieved and still ambivalent.
Until I started thinking literally about how it would feel on our bank account to be spending that much money in such a short amount of time- money that we don't have right now, and would have to figure out how to come up with. House projects would stop completely.
We could have 25 children at our birthing center or 46 D&C procedures for the cost of one domestic infant. If a birth mother chooses us. What if nobody chooses us on account of the idea that we might have another child biologically in the future- or at least we would try? I can understand a birth mother not choosing our family for that reason.
Another random thought train I went down with an infant is the possibility that I could breastfeed again. There are ways to do it, but it's complicated. And it freaks people out, so I would really be all alone with that process.
Or we could wait a few years, get more practice with this parenting thing, and go again for the foster adopt route, and an older kid. We still think Abby needs to be the oldest, but if she's 4, we could adopt a 2 year old, and she would understand more what's happening.
We are lost again.
We are retracing steps, trying to find what feels right to us.
Right now, it's being in the moment we are in. Enjoying a weekend in the woods with family. Seeing Abigail catch her first fish! Teaching her to throw rocks into a pond. Hearing her laugh with her cousins in the hot tub. Meeting our friends for an extended day to night date to catch up on everything in our lives. For Bean, having a boys weekend. For me, planning bridal and baby showers for my close girlfriends.
It's scary not knowing how our family will grow, or when. But we have to be ok with the uncertainty. When it feels right, we will do it- whatever 'it' is.
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