I Have So Much Left To Say To You

Several things happened this week and I can only assume it was the culmination of all of that put me in front of this keyboard with tears pouring down my face, unable to put it into words.

I miss Bud.

I think I'm forgetting her.

I'm not sure what her voice sounds like anymore and I'm too afraid to listen to the saved voicemails on my phone.

Maybe it's the sound of Abby saying her middle name "Elspeth". Or her playing with the little painted turtle that Bud brought back from some trip as a souvenir- we named it Chauncey this weekend and I knew Liz would have laughed.

A good friend is having a rough pregnancy and I'm worried about her.

We watched a documentary called 'Dear Zachary' that was written/created/produced/directed by a man as a tribute to his best friend- Andrew- that was murdered. It was written as a letter to his Andrew's son, who was born after his death. It was infuriating. But the part that got me was when he was interviewing people and they all turned the topic around and told the friend how much Andrew cared about him. "He really loved you" they would say. "He always talked about you." That's all a friend wants to hear.

I had a dream about her this week but it was scary and the only reason I was able to dream was because I gave in and took Benadryl before bed so I would sleep instead of getting up and putting on more itch cream- I have a severe poison ivy/oak reaction basically head to toe that has been going on for three weeks now. (I hope that explains the lack of posts).

Today I read an article written by a woman who's brother died and her description of her grief was exactly the same as mine- from her reaction to getting the news, to all the questions in her head, to wanting her brother to see her daughter.... the only difference is I didn't have to deal with the actual planning of the funeral or calling her employer to tell them she died.

My first mom friend and her family moved to Florida last week. Making mom friends is so much like dating that I have no idea how I got so lucky to meet her and click right off the bat. And now the only way I'll ever see her again is if we visit Florida.

I don't feel like I'll ever have a "best friend" again. Nobody will see me the same way she did. I'm always going to be the person I am now, who is so much heavier, so serious, and slow to laugh. I used to laugh a lot more. I used to not expect so much out of other people. I'm not willing to waste my time on superficial things but that just closes me off from a lot of new opportunities.

I'm pretty sure I left one potential new mom friend hanging on an email for over 2 weeks now, for no real reason, other than she asked if we've taken Abby to a movie, and we haven't, and I don't know how to tell her that I'm not ready for that yet. Abby talks about her daughter every day, and I really wanted she and I to have chemistry, but it's not really there.

Generally I feel like myself again (before the poison ivy thing), but I feel disconnected from friends in Houston. I'm not reaching out and neither are they. They make me laugh- there's that sense of humor that nobody I know here has. But reaching out reminds me that she's not there, and that's why I have to do it.

There was a baby shower for my close friend Jess this weekend, who helped Liz throw my baby shower. I was with her the last time I heard Liz's voice on the phone (it was in the car on the way home that weekend). I was also two weeks ahead of Jess in our pregnancies back in January, before I lost mine. For some reason, I think I wasn't supposed to be pregnant at the same time as Jess because it would bring back too many memories and similarities from sharing a pregnancy with Liz.

To go back to the mom friend dating game- I keep waiting for sparks but so far it's not happening. Bean tells me to stop looking for it and it will happen, but I feel like it just won't happen. I got lucky enough to have Abby, so there's no way I deserve a "best friend" too. I have lots of friends. I have lots of really great friends that I'm so thankful for, and a few are especially close.

But she's not here.

Earlier this week, a mom at art class told me that her new daughter's name was Abby too. Then we realized her name was Abigail Elizabeth also. The mom told me her middle name is Elizabeth, and then asked where my Abby's middle name came from.

"It's my best friend's name," I said. She said that was sweet and I immediately felt like an idiot and then it was pure indignation. She doesn't know my story and I didn't want to tell her. She thinks I still hang out with my best friend and just liked her name so I gave it to my kid.

And I missed an opportunity to tell her story. My story.

Man, this grief comes out of nowhere. I never would have predicted all of the minor events this week that made me think of her, or how hard it would hit me out of the blue, but at least I didn't avoid it.

I still have so much to say to you, Bud, but also I wish I could hear your reply.