I have a confession to make...

... I'm not in love with being pregnant.

I feel like a science experiment. It's on my mind constantly, but I get annoyed when I hear myself talking about any specific symptom. I want to scream from the rooftops to everyone to be really REALLY sure it's what you want before getting pregnant.

I'm jealous of my friends who aren't pregnant. Who are normal, just living their lives and doing normal things like going to happy hour and buying whatever clothes they want. Nobody pays too much attention to them. Nobody gives them unwanted health advice. Nobody asks them questions that are way too personal about their breasts, their birth plan. Nobody judges them for being 'too small' or says 'are you sure there are not two in there?!'

I feel sloppy and ugly, mainly because of my double chin that is usually threatening to come out in my normal life as a non-pregnant woman, but is now always there. My skin is terrible, and I need too much makeup to just look normal. I was taking great care of myself BP (before pregnancy), but now there are so many rules and regulations I feel paralyzed and just end up eating more chicken nuggets.

The baby has started resting on my ribs which feels like a hot knife twisting through my back and up through the top of my belly. It's really painful and nothing seems to help except going to the chiropractor. Which has made the pain better but it's still there. Buck also likes to kick what feels like my colon/lady parts. I can't imagine how a measly 1+ pound baby can be both in my ribs and down in my lady area at the same time.

The emotions are a whole other story. I feel happier than ever sometimes and laugh constantly; other times I'm crying uncontrollably and can't stop for an hour (that usually happens at work). Then I get the priviledge of dealing with people at work's preconceived notions of me being 'hormonal'. Yes I have been hormonal, but I have also been completely overwhelmed with lots of things changing at work that happen to have coincided with this pregnancy, making all of it much more difficult to handle.

The icing on the cake is that I can't say any of that. It's inappropriate to talk about how I really feel about it because everyone will judge that too. People who have been there say, "oh just wait, it gets worse" and those who haven't say, "it will be worth it in the end, right?".

Now that I have that out of my system, I'd like to list the things I do enjoy about being pregnant:

-The Belly. It's beautiful. I've never been more comfortable with that part of my body. The skin is taut, kind of how I always wanted my stomach to be, and my belly button is particularly hilarious because it's so shallow.

-Creative clothing choices. I have really enjoyed finding clothes that are not from a maternity store that still work. It makes me use a part of my brain that's been stagnant for too many years- the creative part. Just yesterday I challenged myself to find an outfit including shoes and jewelry to wear to dinner with friends in under an hour. It was a fun and successful shopping trip!

-Thankfulness and hopefulness. I'm so grateful that our journey to become pregnant was easy when it's not for so many people. I'm thankful for the relationship that my husband and I have built over the past 5 years of marriage and that we waited so long. I think we are a really great team and I can't wait to see how we take on the challenge of parenthood. I can't wait to see him with our kid...because that means I won't be pregnant anymore! ;)

-Preparing for the birth. I'm handling this challenge the same way I did with the 60-mile Breast Cancer 3-Day walk, and hiking 4 days to Machu Picchu: get ready, don't think too much about it, and just do it! I'm able to tune out all of the opinions out there and focus on what I think is right, and I'm very comfortable and excited about it.

-Decorating the nursery. This goes back to the creative muscle thing. I love having restricted color options from not knowing the sex of the baby, and I love trying to put together a room that we think is cool and different, and not 'baby' looking.

All in all, being pregnant is completely different than what I imagined. I would never take it back, even if it's not the most fun thing I've ever done. I'll be better prepared next time and be better able to handle the changes. Even though I can't wait for this part to be over, it's a complete miracle.

I mean, the baby has a spine and a brain right now!