This whole getting pregnant thing has really thrown me for a loop. I had no real idea what to expect, and some of the changes have been intense... From the scary hormones in the first trimester (picture me sobbing uncontrollably on the floor of the restroom at work for half an hour or more), to the oddly realistic sex dreams, to the intense longing for the wide range of cold cereals from my childhood... This whole experience has changed me completely.
It's profoundly spiritual, which I did not expect. Not in a religious sense, although I can certainly see how many people would grow closer to their chosen religion during a time like this. But in the sense that I'm just one small piece of a much greater puzzle. My experience is totally different but also completely the same as millions of women before me and yet to be. In a strange way, it makes me draw away from other pregnant women, at least ones I don't know well or that want to put their own ideas of what this is on me.
It manifests in different ways: avoiding conversations or blocking out opinions on things like other people's birth experiences, drawing into myself more, and taking (slightly) better care of myself in regards to resting when I need to and trying to avoid over-scheduling. I'm not interested in reading every book out there or testing for every possible genetic abnormality or getting extra ultrasounds just to see what's going on in there.
I know that baby. It moves and doesn't move. It is fascinated with the comfort of my ribs. It's probably going to be a pain in the ass after its born, and all of that is ok. The moment that scares and excites me is when they put that baby on my chest for the first time. Then all of our gender roles, expectations, and pressures start to take their course. For now I don't have to worry about it.
People worry so much about 'planning'. The color of the nursery, making sure the baby is born on a specific day, knowing every detail that will happen during their labor and delivery. It's all very stressful. I find myself completely relaxed when it comes to all of that. The nursery we put together is great. I don't care what day the baby is born, it doesn't matter. It's impossible to know every detail of any particular labor, and anything can happen. What's the use in worrying about it now?
There's so much fear surrounding birth that makes absolutely no sense to me. It's what our bodies were created to do. It's a complete miracle. I used to be empty but now there's a human growing inside my body. That will turn into an adult and probably have children of its own. As long as global warming doesn't wipe out the planet earth first! (only slightly kidding)
Pregnancy makes me think of physical tests I've put myself through. Both 3-Day walks and hiking to Machu Picchu up until now have been the hardest things I've done to my body. I see labor the same way. Nobody else can do it for me, so I might as well go for it. I don't have time to be afraid or worry, all I can do is mentally prepare. One of the most offensive things I hear about natural birth is people who do not choose that path saying 'I don't have to be a hero', meaning those of us choosing that route are trying to prove something to someone.
I have nothing to prove to anyone, and I hope my labor works out the way I want it to. It's not something to brag about, it just is what it is. Everyone has their own choice in the matter.
Besides, birth is birth, why does it have to be referred to in any way other than that?
The universe has its own plan for me and my baby, and it's my job to do my best. The plan is already in place so no use in worrying.
The same goes for all of the trivial things people think about when it comes to pregnancy, labor, and babies. No use in worrying about what the baby will wear every day before it gets here, or if my body will ever be the same (it probably won't- how could it?), or what anybody else thinks about any of it. In the past I have been judgmental or harsh toward friends with kids for decisions they have made (usually when it came to leaving their children with someone else for long periods of time so they could do something else); I realize I've been completely ignorant, all the while believing that I've been accepting. I can only hope that things I've said have been brushed off as just that- ignorance.
Growing a human is important work. More important than any other work there is. That doesn't mean I want to be a stay at home mom, but that the value of life is much more important than that of any job.
I don't know if any of this made sense, but I'm glad to have it out there. The bottom line is this experience is mine, and nothing anyone says or does will change that. Nor could anyone determine how it has affected me so deeply.
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