I Have So Much Left To Say To You

Several things happened this week and I can only assume it was the culmination of all of that put me in front of this keyboard with tears pouring down my face, unable to put it into words.

I miss Bud.

I think I'm forgetting her.

I'm not sure what her voice sounds like anymore and I'm too afraid to listen to the saved voicemails on my phone.

Maybe it's the sound of Abby saying her middle name "Elspeth". Or her playing with the little painted turtle that Bud brought back from some trip as a souvenir- we named it Chauncey this weekend and I knew Liz would have laughed.

A good friend is having a rough pregnancy and I'm worried about her.

We watched a documentary called 'Dear Zachary' that was written/created/produced/directed by a man as a tribute to his best friend- Andrew- that was murdered. It was written as a letter to his Andrew's son, who was born after his death. It was infuriating. But the part that got me was when he was interviewing people and they all turned the topic around and told the friend how much Andrew cared about him. "He really loved you" they would say. "He always talked about you." That's all a friend wants to hear.

I had a dream about her this week but it was scary and the only reason I was able to dream was because I gave in and took Benadryl before bed so I would sleep instead of getting up and putting on more itch cream- I have a severe poison ivy/oak reaction basically head to toe that has been going on for three weeks now. (I hope that explains the lack of posts).

Today I read an article written by a woman who's brother died and her description of her grief was exactly the same as mine- from her reaction to getting the news, to all the questions in her head, to wanting her brother to see her daughter.... the only difference is I didn't have to deal with the actual planning of the funeral or calling her employer to tell them she died.

My first mom friend and her family moved to Florida last week. Making mom friends is so much like dating that I have no idea how I got so lucky to meet her and click right off the bat. And now the only way I'll ever see her again is if we visit Florida.

I don't feel like I'll ever have a "best friend" again. Nobody will see me the same way she did. I'm always going to be the person I am now, who is so much heavier, so serious, and slow to laugh. I used to laugh a lot more. I used to not expect so much out of other people. I'm not willing to waste my time on superficial things but that just closes me off from a lot of new opportunities.

I'm pretty sure I left one potential new mom friend hanging on an email for over 2 weeks now, for no real reason, other than she asked if we've taken Abby to a movie, and we haven't, and I don't know how to tell her that I'm not ready for that yet. Abby talks about her daughter every day, and I really wanted she and I to have chemistry, but it's not really there.

Generally I feel like myself again (before the poison ivy thing), but I feel disconnected from friends in Houston. I'm not reaching out and neither are they. They make me laugh- there's that sense of humor that nobody I know here has. But reaching out reminds me that she's not there, and that's why I have to do it.

There was a baby shower for my close friend Jess this weekend, who helped Liz throw my baby shower. I was with her the last time I heard Liz's voice on the phone (it was in the car on the way home that weekend). I was also two weeks ahead of Jess in our pregnancies back in January, before I lost mine. For some reason, I think I wasn't supposed to be pregnant at the same time as Jess because it would bring back too many memories and similarities from sharing a pregnancy with Liz.

To go back to the mom friend dating game- I keep waiting for sparks but so far it's not happening. Bean tells me to stop looking for it and it will happen, but I feel like it just won't happen. I got lucky enough to have Abby, so there's no way I deserve a "best friend" too. I have lots of friends. I have lots of really great friends that I'm so thankful for, and a few are especially close.

But she's not here.

Earlier this week, a mom at art class told me that her new daughter's name was Abby too. Then we realized her name was Abigail Elizabeth also. The mom told me her middle name is Elizabeth, and then asked where my Abby's middle name came from.

"It's my best friend's name," I said. She said that was sweet and I immediately felt like an idiot and then it was pure indignation. She doesn't know my story and I didn't want to tell her. She thinks I still hang out with my best friend and just liked her name so I gave it to my kid.

And I missed an opportunity to tell her story. My story.

Man, this grief comes out of nowhere. I never would have predicted all of the minor events this week that made me think of her, or how hard it would hit me out of the blue, but at least I didn't avoid it.

I still have so much to say to you, Bud, but also I wish I could hear your reply.

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Quality Over Quanitity, Always

I've always kept an extended circle of friends- more like a complex venn diagram, really- one circle overlaps another and another and suddenly I have lots of friends through different people. In the past, I would bend over backwards to be the one who was easy to get along with, agreeing to plans even if I wasn't interested or going along with what the group wanted because I didn't want to make waves, plus I wanted everyone to like me. Don't we all?

With all the changes in my life recently, I've tried hard to listen to my gut. If an idea to hang out sounds unappealing, I listen to my gut and politely decline, or at least be honest about any reservations I have.

My first mom friend was in my post-natal yoga class, and her son is a month older than my girl. They were similar developmentally, hitting milestones around the same time for about the first year of their lives. When the kids were too mobile for us to stay in the yoga class, she suggested we try swimming at a heated indoor saltwater pool she knew about.

Swimming freaks me out. I'm not good at it. I don't know CPR. Getting in the water with a baby is frightening. I decided to not let fear win, so we started going swimming. It was really great at first- the kids would sit in these floaties and we would walk the length of the pool for at least an hour just chatting. Then the kids got bigger, and wanted out of the floaties, and then it was winter, and then other things started cropping up, so we stopped going.

Now it's almost summer again and she's ready to start going again. I told her again about my reservations, and she suggested we do our own version of swimming lessons, at a more relaxed pace. I'm still apprehensive, but I think we will try it at least once or twice. She inspires me to be honest about whether things work for me or not, because I know she is doing the same for me. If something doesn't work for her, she will just say no. It's my favorite thing about our relationship.

Lately, I also gravitate toward people who I can have a real connection with- not the shallow one based on our shared past. I started meeting up with various friends from growing up when I would go down to Houston. We would set a time and meet up for dinner or drinks.

I reconnected with a childhood friend, and it was great sharing a glass of wine and catching ourselves up on each other's lives since the last time we saw each other- probably high school. I found that a high school friend and I don't have much of anything in common and we can't relate to each other on where we are in our lives- I've dealt with so much death, I get bored with flighty conversation and gossip and those are her main topics. An old coworker and I had dinner once and while I want to try again to meet up with her, time gets away from me on these trips.

One of my favorite times was recently, I planned a dinner with an old friend who just got engaged, his fiancee, and another mutual friend. This old friend inspires me- he's hilarious and silly, and deep, and always up for a conversation, no matter which way it goes. I can really be myself and talk about things that scare other people around him and it's all good. The mutual friend and I were not on the same page for awhile- I wasn't sure what to talk about with him, so I would revert back to asking about his dating life, which he wasn't interested in talking about. We sorted that out over lunch prior to this dinner.

We all sat at an outdoor table (my favorite!) and shared smallish plates (another favorite), while splitting bottles of red wine. Four of us consumed five bottles of wine, and I don't even know how that is possible. We talked about everything: the engagement story, minimal wedding plans, apartment updates, my second miscarriage, adoption, feeling like society says you should be doing one thing, when you really want to do something else. We sat there for hours and my soul was lit up.

The beauty of reconnecting with old friends is that they have seen you at your awkward moments, and can appreciate how far you have come. They can see changes in you, and you are teaching them how to be around you. We always promise to text more, to call about important things, but so far we haven't. He texted me today just to say hi, and a new goal came to mind: to make an effort on this one. Text him if I see something funny, or just to say hi, instead of waiting for him to reach out.

If there's not a response right away, he's busy. No worries- it doesn't mean he doesn't want to be my friend anymore.

The important thing is to nurture connections with people who ignite that fire in you-  that make you want to do your best, and to try harder, who 'get' you and don't try to change you.

And then to put distance where you need it; when the friendship is not genuine or supportive, when it is critical or makes you feel bad about yourself, when you are giving more than you are receiving.

I have broken up with two friends in my post-high school life: one was a friend I met on the first day of Drawing I. We spent lots of time together, since we had most of our classes together. She had wild red curly hair and was into photography and movies. But by our Junior years, the only time she called me was to get her out of a jam- to pick her up when she was too drunk to drive, for instance. The last straw was when she called me, slurring her words, and asked me to drive over an hour to pick her up, then to take her back the next day to pick up her car. I told her I couldn't and didn't see her again.

The other was a work friend who I spent a tons of time with both in and outside of work. She had a way of viewing things in a negative light and Bean once mentioned to me that after I came home from visiting with her, I always had a negative mindset and was complaining a lot. I didn't want to be that way, so I let the friendship fade. I should have done it in a better way, but I wasn't strong enough then to tell her the truth.

I had a friend cease contact with me too, and it hurt like a motherfucker. She was one of my closest friends in high school. We had all of our classes together, worked on every project together, were in band together, and I suspect that I'm the only person that ever went over to her house- that one time. There was a misunderstanding about Senior Prom- I had my venn diagram of friends and planned to go to dinner and split a limo with one group of friends that she was not in. My understanding is that she thought we were going to do a band group and stopped talking to me after I said again that I was going with the other group.

I don't know if she is someone I would want to be friends with today, and I did run into her at a baby shower for a mutual friend last year which was extremely awkward for both of us.

The journey of finding friends that inspire you is a fun one for me, especially with my journey of trying to find more local mom friends. I enjoy a little bit of small talk, and the getting to know you talk is always split up into several sessions when there are kids in the mix. I have no doubt that I will find new friends that are just as important as Bud and Donna were to me.

Bud inspires me to be sillier, friendlier, to make plans, to go to festivals, and to be myself. She was my soulmate, the one person in the world who was most like me, and I think about her constantly. When something feels calm to my soul, I know it's her reassuring me.

Donna inspires me to recycle every single thing (I recently upped my recycling game when I found out we can put plastics #1-7 in our bin, not just #1 and #2!!), to think about our planet and conservation, to be kind, and of course to laugh hysterically without reservation.

I miss them, I'm teaching my daughter about them, and I'm so lucky to have them watching my back as I continue finding other friends that inspire and uplift. Quality over quantity, always.

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Girls Weekend 2015

This weekend we picked back up with our Girls Weekend tradition. We started in 2006 at Brittney's surprise bachelorette party when Donna said that we should plan to get together every year for a weekend. 

The next year, we surprised Donna at the hospital while she was doing her cancer treatments. Our originally planned Girls Weekend that year was spent together at her funeral.

2008, 2009, 2010, and 2011 we jumped around to various houses including Jess's house, the Bay House, and Liz's parents and her own house. 

2012 we got together the weekend of our 10-year high school reunion, which was weird for Jess because she didn't go to high school with us! Liz and I announced our pregnancies to the group together and I loved having couch time with her after the reunion to just relax and watch bad TV. 

2013 we didn't have an official weekend, but we did all see each other at Liz's funeral. 

For 2014, we started planning too late and ended up with this January. If we don't end up getting together another time this year- probably not- we will count this one for 2015 also. It was perfect and good enough to count for two years, in my opinion. 

We were all there the whole time- both nights- and 80% of the time was spent sitting on couches talking. Whit made a zucchini lasagna for Friday night, which we ate around 8pm when Rachel finally arrived. We stayed up until 2am on the couches, and continued our conversations in the various bedrooms until even later than that. 

Saturday we were finally all awake around 10am, got dressed, and went to Gloria's for lunch (my favorite), then got pedicures and were back home on the couches by 4pm. Where we stayed until around 8, when we had my orzo pasta salad/chicken breasts for dinner, and then moved back to the couches until midnight. 

Sunday we woke up fairly early because half of us had to get on the road first thing. Whit, Rachel and I kept the weekend going- Rachel and I went to Starbucks while Whit ran a few errands and then we all had lunch at Red Robin before heading home. Also, I got my car deep cleaned on the way home!

It was just such an easy weekend. I don't even think I could recount what topics we covered- everything from our new families, to our parents, high school people we knew, things we remember from middle school, of course Liz and Donna, pregnancy (we even had a new pregnancy announcement!), and sex. Even when I brought up the topic of circumcision and I was the only one with a different opinion, I loved hearing what everyone had to say!

We are all very different but we have key things in common with each other that keeps us together, not just the deaths of two of our girls. Parenting is a huge common denominator now. Lauren and Britt each have 3 kids and they were the most tired of anyone, and also the most positive/easygoing about raising kids and dealing with all their 'stuff'. Brittney and Rachel are similar in their marriages, Lauren and I share this hippie thing/interest in tattoos, Jess and Rachel and I have lots of things in common, including enjoying a stiff drink sometimes- and our college experiences were the most similar. Lauren and Whitney have similar stories about past relationships. I could keep going on this, but while we have so many things in common, we probably all feel like the odd man out sometimes. 

This weekend, I felt like I was in a glass box because of my most recent miscarriage, giving me an equal number of pregnancies as Brittney and Lauren, but only one child to show for it. I'm the only one with any miscarriages and nobody knows what to do about it. The most common thing I hear is, "I don't understand what you are feeling" and "I don't know what to say" (sometimes preceded by or followed by silence). This is definitely NOT to say that my close girlfriends only responded this way, just a generalization on most people. 

If it had come up naturally, I would have loved to explain what it feels like, but it just didn't. I'm comfortable talking about it, but other people are not. Rachel's response to that was that it doesn't matter what everyone else thinks- and I agree- but seeing the looks on everyone's faces is so uncomfortable for me. I wish I had been more brave and just interrupted whatever conversation we were having with this topic. I think I might reach out individually instead because the responses I've gotten just from my group of girlfriends has been so different and I would love to give feedback on how each of them affected my experience- mostly positively. 

I felt so weird talking about being pregnant because it was like a reminder to everyone that I've been dealing with some painful stuff for the past couple of years. Near the end of the weekend, I think it got easier because I just did it- I talked about the nausea, the messy house, the worry/anxiety of this most recent pregnancy, and the loveliness and how great I felt with the pregnancy before. Part of me felt weird talking about this most recent one because it didn't work out and also none of my friends knew about it until it was over. I wish they had known the whole time- but when I was in it, I didn't want anyone to know. What a catch-22. 

The bottom line is that everyone has a different perspective on hard situations and generally want to be supportive, but sometimes it comes out as nothing/completely blowing it off, or over the top/rambling suggestions, or somewhere in the middle. (Again, not just talking about my girlfriends here). 

What I wanted to hear is "I'm so sorry for your loss", what I wanted to see was flowers delivered so I had something pretty to look at- I did get one bouquet, and I felt most supported by the 3 friends who brought dinner over or had it delivered so I didn't have to worry about one more thing. I support myself by writing and allowing emotions to come up when they want to instead of pushing them down like I did last time. 

My favorite long distance hug was a text Lauren sent with a picture of her sushi dinner the same night we found out and were having our own sushi dinner- the note said something about celebrating the future of the Bell family. That was exactly what I needed- someone to be with me and be hopeful in the moment. 

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Last Day of Work

I didn't know today would be my last day at Sherwin Williams when I went in a year ago. It was a regular day, not too crazy, but I did have lots of random issues that I was working on. I was looking forward to coming in the next day to tie up all of the loose ends.

Mid-morning, something funny happened. First of all, I was wearing my last clean manager shirt. This sounds gross, but managers know to save at least one shirt for the day when their boss visits so that you don't have to worry about a paint-stained or wrinkly shirt, you can just pull the new clean one out and go. I don't know why I decided to wear it that day, other than I realized I was getting close to the end of my pregnancy and I might as well break it in before I wasn't wearing it anymore. 

Then this happened. I have never before stamped a whole gallon can lid to any part of my body, let alone my pregnant belly! It was so funny to me that I shot out a text to the girls at 8:38am with this picture.

Mainly I wondered what funny comment Liz would have to say about it- oddly enough, I also knew I wouldn't hear from her that day. We had planned a phone date sometime later in the week to review every detail of our showers together. I finished out the work day and headed home around 3pm. I was contemplating a quick stop off at the grocery store to pick up something for dinner when Bean called, asking where I was. I told him my predicament and he said I should go home and he would meet me there. Something in the tone of his voice was off. 

I got home and started worrying that something was wrong with one of his family members and that we might need to go to a hospital or something. I kept myself busy by cleaning up the kitchen while I waited for him to get there- and gave myself a pep talk on how to be supportive when he told me why his voice sounded so weird.

When he got there, I was standing in the living room, and I asked what was wrong. He said, "If Liz were going to the hospital, which one would it be?" I got kind of excited because it was entirely possible that she had gone into labor and was headed to the hospital. I told him it would be where my mom worked.

We decided that I should call and see if mom had seen Liz there. It took awhile to get her on the phone (she was on the other line) and she sounded kinda weird too. She asked if Bean was there, and then asked to talk to him. I heard him say, "No, not yet", and then my mom talked and he had a weird look on his face. I asked what was going on and he said, "There's something wrong with Liz and Evan... they died".

NO. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. I repeated it over and over and started pacing the room. What are you talking about? That can't be true. It's just not possible. He told me how Connie had run into Liz's parents leaving their house very quickly (she was on a walk) and Ms. Eva shouted out the window that Liz and Evan had died as they drove off. NO. I don't believe it. She must be wrong. I'm going on a walk!

We walked out the door and walked FAST up and down the sidewalks of our neighborhood with no real direction. He thought I should sit down, but I needed to get that energy out. I thought there was no way it was true, and that I would wait to hear from my mom before believing it. If they had been at the hospital, mom and Liz's brother would have known about it- mom is a nurse and her brother is a doctor and they work in Labor and Delivery together.

A little while later after I had calmed down a bit, we went home and I sat there in shock. I called Jess. She had just been on the phone with Connie. I wasn't sure if she knew what had happened, but I asked if she wanted to come over and she did. Turns out she knew what had happened, and we just wanted to make sure it was true before spreading the word. We got on the phone with Mom again and she told me that she had seen Liz's brother running through the parking lot to his car. She had his personal cell phone number, so she called it and he answered. He was at Liz's house and it was true.

That night, the lights were half out in the house and it gradually got darker. I sat in the living room on the couch thinking about everything, not believing it and wondering exactly what happened to her. At one point, I was sitting alone in silence and I could hear Jess in the kitchen breaking the news to Brittney and crying. Bean was outside talking to my midwife to find out what we needed to do and if we could get an appointment sooner than the one we had scheduled on Thursday since we would be leaving town- and also making sure it was ok for us to go since I was 36 weeks- just at the point where you should stay close to home. He was crying too but I didn't know that until my midwife told me later.

Calling the girls was the worst part, mainly because it was so shocking and unexpected, and to break horrible news like that out of the blue just plain sucks. I was also fielding texts from friends in Houston asking me if it was true. A couple of friends decided to go over to the house and just be there- this was before I'd heard back from my mom. One friend called and said they were carrying her body out. Hearing him say that made me want to vomit. Or Ralph as Liz used to say.

I canceled my chiropractor appointment and called my assistant and told him I wasn't coming in the next day and why. I apologized for leaving him in a pickle and tried to explain all the random junk that was going on. Thursday I had a midwife appointment and she took one look at me and said, "You're not going back to work". She wrote me a note basically putting me on bedrest until further notice.

So that's what I did. I somehow made it through the funeral and proudly spoke at the viewing on Friday right after her cousins which made me feel very special, then I came home and laid on the couch. I don't even know how many days passed, but I just laid on that couch with the TV on and I didn't watch it. I had my eyes closed but I didn't sleep. I felt so sad but I couldn't cry. It was like the whole house was in a fog.

When I went to work one year ago today, I had no idea it would be my last day. Nor did I think it would be the day my life changed forever. I just thought it was the funny day when I stamped paint on my belly in it's last clean manager shirt. 

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Baby Evan's Shower

After my shower on Saturday, I got the car all loaded up with the gifts and went back for a mid-afternoon lunch with Liz and Louis. It was just the three of us at an outdoor cafe in the heights and they (of course) paid for my lunch. She was always doing that when we went somewhere, so I had to battle for the check most of the time. We talked about the childbirth classes they would be going to the next week.

We went back to their house and hung out on the couch all afternoon and evening. Jess came back over and us girls watched bad TV and we all ate pizza and drank mini Dr. Peppers. I gave Jess and Liz the hostess gifts I'd ordered for them, and I remember Liz seemed a little emotional about the necklace I gave her with an 'E' charm and our favorite color stone. I told her the 'E' could be for her or Evan.

The next morning I was up bright and early- before anyone else in the house, dressed and at Sandhya's house to help cook a ton of french toast and set up for the party. She and Ivy did an amazing job putting together the shower for Liz, and I'm so glad I was able to help out a little bit.

This shower was fun because there was a more specific theme: Boy!

The prize goody bags had neckties on them.

One of the games was who can chug a bottle of champagne the fastest. I wish I could have played! It was a lot of champagne too- like 2+ glasses in each bottle!

The amazing brunch spread. Ivy does sweet tables for weddings so she really knows how to put together a great looking display.

Tons 'o' gifts!

Another activity was making scrapbook pages for Evan that went straight into a book for Liz to take home at the end of the party.

Then there was the game where the guests answered different questions about Liz's pregnancy, and she guessed who said which answer.

One answer in particular she knew instantly was me!

Then the most fun group game: make a diaper out of toilet paper and the most fashionable and useful wins the prize.

Then of course it was gift time. I wanted to share this particular picture so you can see the cute decorations on the mantle. There are flowers, a few maternity pictures, and a banner.

I made these little baby dolls as part of my 'bathtime' themed gift. They are depends with socks for the hats, and washcloths for the diapers. They were too funny to make.

The part I remember most about this day was at one point, Liz was sitting in these chairs all alone, just eating her food. I felt like I hadn't talked with her in a long time (even though I stayed at her house!), so I went and sat with her. We talked like we would if it was just the two of us on the phone. She told me about some book that Louis' friend had given him about how to deal with a pregnant wife and how she thought it was ridiculous. It was the last 'secret' she shared.

And these pictures were even more proof. We were just drawn to each other. 

When Jess and I needed to hit the road to get back home, I remember Liz walked part of the way out the door and we got a hug with our bellies in the way and I said "Next time I see you, we won't have these in the way anymore!" I really couldn't wait until we had our babies so we could get back to 'normal' and have conversations about what it was really like to be a mother. Neither of us had any idea it would be the last time we saw each other.

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Houston Baby Shower

One year ago today, I received a few great gifts: the beginnings of a wonderful library for 'Buck', lots of laughs with family and friends, a heartfelt letter from Bean to our unborn child, and a firm understanding of how much Liz and Jess care for me. It was my Houston Baby Shower.

It started a few months before when several of our friends suggested that Liz and I have a joint baby shower since our due dates were so close together. We announced our pregnancies to our friends together, so why wouldn't we want to have a shower together? And besides, at least half of the guest lists would overlap.

I don't think she would have objected to it, but my opinion was that since she knew she was having a boy, and I didn't know what I was having that would make it hard to come up with a theme that did both of us justice. Plus I had been married for awhile and hadn't had any parties thrown for me in awhile and in the interim it seemed like parties went crazy- details and special touches really became important. I think she agreed with me on that point, so she wanted to be the one to throw me a baby shower since she was helping with my bridal shower from afar while she lived in Boston and couldn't attend. I think she saw it as her way to show her stuff after I had done her bridal shower and bachelorette party. We decided we would plan our showers on the same weekend so that the out of town guests that we shared could come to both.

It was incredible the thought and details they put into it. Books and Brunch- my favorite things and they really worked hard on it. I also loved spending the drive down and back home with Jess at the wheel and my swollen cankles propped up on the dash! The cankles were so serious, my socks would leave an indention. Its sad now that the nurses in the room were worried about my swelling when I knew it was because I had worked my full 48 hours that week and jumped in the car right after so I didn't have time to rest with my feet up. And all along, Liz was just as, if not more swollen but nobody knew because she hid it underneath jeans and tennis shoes.

We arrived on Friday night pretty late and when I saw Liz she really kinda freaked me out. She was really puffy and seemed out of it. I figured she was just pregnant and tired like me. (She was that too!) I dropped Jess off and stayed with my mom who gave me specific symptoms I should call the midwife about. She said when she saw me she was worried I might be pre-eeclamptic since I was so swollen. The major one was a headache, luckily I didn't have any symptoms other than tree trunk legs.

The next day was the wonderful shower! Part of the reason I haven't written about it is I hadn't seen the pictures Liz took that day with her new fancy camera. She documented everything and was going to send me the pictures the next week. I have those pictures now and they are mixed in with ones Connie took.

Liz and Jess were up late and then early in the morning getting ready for the party.

When you got to the top of the stairs at the living room level, they had this table set up with a place to put the library books for Buck.

On the entertainment center they hung white onesies with custom-made stickers to use for the baby's monthly growth progression photos. We use these every month!

The living room was set up with some extra chairs. Bud was really concerned about the number of guests and having enough seats for everyone.

 
On the dining room table was the delicious brunch spread!

The bar had various coffees, teas, and flavored water.

The breakfast nook had a mimosa bar set up! There were both regular and non-alcoholic options since this party had 4- yes 4!- pregnant ladies attending.

*Side note: I'm obsessed with the bench from World Market and the hutch from an antique store near their house that Liz put here. The style is perfect, and I love that Louis let her get a pink hutch, and sometimes when I miss her and think about her house, I picture this area.

Connie made a special punch that looks like a bassinet.

One of my favorite details is the thought that went into each of the different foods and the cards and books that went with them. I have all of these books too with personalized messages from Liz and Jess!

Green Eggs and Ham: Quiche

The Very Hungry Caterpillar: Fruit and Yogurt Parfait

Pancakes, Pancakes!: Mini Stacks of Pancakes

If You Give a Moose a Muffin: Blueberry Streusal Muffins

Goldilocks and the Three Bears: GoldiLOX mini sandwiches

I was particularly excited about this one because I was really missing sushi. Bean wasn't exactly comfortable with me eating things like this so I'd held off. Bud and I finished off quite a few more of these sandwiches later that night!

More detail/artsy photos of the table...

And this one gave me a wave of love.
Love You Forever: Aunt Donna's Monkey Brains

Donna's favorite book and breakfast right there for me and Buck. Liz said the goal of the shower was to get me to cry, and this was a big step toward that!

All of the details were amazing. I don't know how many more times I can say that! The one maternity picture I shared with only Liz got framed, and they framed the invite. I have both of them here at the house to display in the nursery.

Homemade cupcakes and cute tags.

One of the two game we played was to Guess Baby Bell's Due Date and Gender. I guess technically it would be arrival date, but whatever. Lauren won the game! She got the date and the gender correct!

The moms wanted to take a look at my belly before they made their guesses.

 We look huge.

Connie did a good job of getting photos of the guests.

Good guessing Lauren! It must have been baby Verity in your belly giving you the hints.

The moms of the wonderful shower hostesses.

I'm not including all of the gift opening because that's just boring, but I wanted to put in a few.

This was the funniest thing I've seen. A gerbil feeder for babies! It was just an empty box but it had all kinds of important tips on how to leave your baby while you go out for a date night.

Connie's friend from Canada sent Liz and I a joint gift.

And then the girls really made sure their goal for the party came true with this book.

Liz contacted Bean and asked him what his favorite childhood book was. She ordered it and had it sent to him, he made sure I didn't open the mail, wrote a message to Buck, and told Jess where it was hidden in the car before our drive down to Houston. They gave it to me last of all the gifts.

I couldn't finish reading it out loud so Ms. Mary took over.

Then I said Hi to baby Dylan.

My best girls on the couch

The moms of my best girls- all of them, even Donna and Brittney who couldn't be there.

This was one of the nicest afternoons. I'm not sure I can describe how it feels to be utterly and completely loved. I felt like I was getting a huge hug all day. Liz gave the best hugs. And then at the end of the pictures from her camera, there was this.

The proof.

The proof that we love each other, and that we have a connection like no other. The proof that I really was a best friend- just like I've always wanted to be.

If she were still alive, the comments about this picture would be just something about us doing our usual thing, sitting on the couch, using the same footrest, and letting everyone else clean up. 

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