Baby Diary: Week 39!

Buck,
Last night we made you a birthday cake (yellow cake with chocolate frosting) and I also ate an entire can of pineapple, thinking both would make you want to come out. It would have been great because it was Popaw Hanna's birthday. It obviously didn't work because you're still in there.

The good news is I did have more uncomfortable feelings last night. I figured when I couldn't fall back asleep I'd wake your dad up and get the timer out. But I was able to sleep on and off, even though I could tell they were much stronger than usual. Also, the strong heartburn feeling I've been having must be related because it was much stronger too and coincided with the tightening sensations. The good news is none of it is particularly painful, just uncomfortable.

Your Grandma is on her way here now. I think she's going to make me start walking. All we have to do this week are random chores, maybe get our nails done, meet the pediatrician, and get ready to meet you!

My least favorite symptom is waking up with stiff hands/wrists and my fingers being asleep. It goes away pretty quickly but it reminds me of the 'bear claw' hands your aunt Liz described. I can definitely tell the difference in my swelling depending on how much water I'm drinking. The bad news is even drinking water makes me feel nauseous / have heartburn.

If I make it to 40 weeks (on Easter sunday) I will officially start telling people I'm 10 months pregnant, just to see their reactions. I'm very ready to not have the recurring questions: what are you having? when are you due? etc, etc, etc every single time I go to the grocery store or any store. Then I get guesses on your gender- most people are saying boy but my belly does look different now that you are lower in my pelvis. It's smaller than it was a few weeks ago.

The bottom line is this, and it's been my mantra at the past couple of yoga classes: I am grateful.

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Baby Diary: Week 36-37

Buck,
I finished writing thank you notes to all of your family and friends, and have been relaxing as much as possible. Our midwife suggested at our 36 week appointment that I don't focus on the loss of your Aunt Liz and cousin Evan just yet- that I focus on the positive of you arriving and how happy that will be for our family. Much to my surprise, I also found out that I was 1cm dilated and 100% effaced! Really excited about the effaced part! Not what I expected at all, but also nice to know that my body is starting to get ready for your arrival. She also said you have dropped and I'm definitely noticing more pressure and discomfort in my hips and I'm either feeling normal/working on tasks or completely exhausted.

While I was waiting for that appointment, a girl in the waiting room gave me a lot of confidence. Her baby was 6 weeks old, she looked great (no pot belly), and seemed very comfortable with her son and with nursing him. We chatted while she fed him for a few minutes- he's her first, she didn't know what gender he was, and she had a feeling he was a boy. She said the birth went well, and was very positive overall. I thought- "I can do that!" I took the long way home, drove with the sunroof open and good music, and only cried at one song.

Your Dad and I stayed up working nonstop on the upstairs area and your room last night and today I'm really tired. The only thing we have left is to hang the other curtains I bought today and wash your sheets. We have your outfit if you are a boy, and if you are a girl, the outfit is on it's way. I'm reading Spiritual Midwifery and I really enjoy the hippie language they use, like 'rubbing each other out real good', 'she looked psychedelic', and different comments where the wives refer to their 'old man'. It's pretty funny and focuses on birth the way I want to- with excitement, not fear.

In yoga today, most of the poses were uncomfortable- you are so big!- but during the final relaxation, I went somewhere and I'm surprised I came back. Either I fell asleep or was so relaxed that my mind completely drifted away for a few minutes. I felt like what the hippies in the book describe- very high! Afterwards I drove with the sunroof open, great music on, and I had a Strawberry Surf Rider from Jamba Juice (Liz's favorite).

Tomorrow is our 37 week appointment, and it happens to fall on Evan's due date. I'm planning to acknowledge the day but not get too hung up on it. Liz said she would have loved to have Evan born on St. Patty's Day (the 17th), really didn't want him born on the 14th (the underground anti-Valentine's day holiday). Other notable days this month include the SCOPE walk (the 23rd), and Liz and Louis' wedding anniversary (the 26th). I'm also ignoring the fact that she died at 37 weeks.

Off topic, but if I get desperate for you to get here, I may bake you a birthday cake. I've heard it will guarantee birth within 24 hours! But mainly because I'd love a huge slice of homemade cake, and it's a fairly easy activity I can do.

The low point this week was when Army Wives came back. I didn't think twice about watching it until the story line was that one of the main ladies went to sleep and never woke up (!), and it focused on her best friend's reaction- working with her husband on arrangements, staying strong while everyone else was crying, plus they mixed in all kinds of flashbacks. It was really difficult to watch, but I'm glad I did. I know I need to let some of it out before I go into labor, otherwise I'll be holding back too much and it will be harder than it needs to be.

I'm so sad that you won't get to meet your Aunt Liz in person- she was really excited about you. I'm positive that you have already met your Aunt Donna before you came to be with me, I'm just not sure the exact time that all of that happens. Are 'You' still technically hanging out with them until the birth? Or are 'You' with me now? Can you go back and forth? I'm not sure, but I'm also not going to analyze it. Maybe one day when I meet with Liz and my favorite psychic medium Theresa, I'll find out. haha

The high point was today- the yoga/driving/Jamba Juice. Until I came home, started aching, and laid on the couch for a few hours. I'm headed to take a nice bath and read more hippie birth stories.

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Baby Diary: Week 30!!

OK Baby Buck, let's have a frank conversation.

I enjoy spending my days with you in general. I like when you gently nudge me and my belly moves. I like when you kick in response to something (like chocolate). I even sorta like when you decide to hang out in the front- that's when you're really heavy and make my belly feel really hard and like it would fall off- like a chip off of a huge rock.

I don't enjoy vomiting in my throat every single night just as soon as I fall asleep, because that means at least another half hour laying there trying to fall asleep again, between being super uncomfortable, to your dad's snoring, to the dog laying on my legs. One thing's for sure- the fastest way to get me out of bed is when a charlie horse hits!

Prenatal Yoga classes started last week and they changed my entire outlook! I even found a Jamba Juice on the way home! My favorite day-off activity before you came along was yoga followed by Jamba, and I'm so glad to have that back. The exercises are obviously modified but they also include my favorite (pigeon pose) and kegels and squats, both of which I've been told to do but can't make myself do at home.

We had our childbirth class this week. The teacher was really funny and we laughed a lot. My favorite part was the instructor telling us her favorite repetition during birth was to wave her head side to side (like a cow) and repeat 'Oh Shit Oh Shit Oh Shit' over and over. Then her mom came in and told her she should say something nicer like 'Paradise' and she continued with her cussing.

Another funny thing is during transition (8-10cm dialated), most women will say something to the effect of: "I'm not doing this anymore. Get my jacket and the keys, we are going home now." Dad's job is to go along with it, maybe even hold the door open, until she changes her mind and then it's time to start pushing. One more sign she is in transition is cussing and really rude comments like "I hate you".

Your dad's least favorite part was the very long video which included several different births. Not because of the births, but because it was long and boring. His favorite thing was learning about waiting to make sure you get all of your blood before the cord is cut (which means waiting until it stops pulsing). He is adamant that we do that, and I'm happy to agree.

Your nursery is pretty cool and we can't wait for you to see it. We have a few things to finish up but it's over halfway there! All the hard stuff is done. We hope you don't like baby looking things because your room is far from it. It's probably the coolest room in the house.

Your grandmas are super excited to meet you. They want to buy you expensive things and can't wait to fill you with sugar and then send you home to us. Of course we feel the same way!

In the next several months (as long as I can hold out), your Dad has decided it's time for us to build THE house. He's found the perfect neighborhood and a really great homebuilder. It's something that interests both of us so we've been spending time talking about floorplans and finishes. My only concern is making sure the house is exactly what both of us want since we will be there for a very long time. I want to make sure your siblings also have bedrooms!

Other than all of that, we are so lucky to have two baby showers being thrown next month and can't wait to celebrate you with all of our family and friends.

We are so lucky to have you and can't wait to learn more about you in a couple of months!

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Bucky Diary: Week 19

Bucky,
This week has been pretty odd so far. No big changes physically or mentally, but I do have a couple of great highlights:

Monday was the first day off in several months that actually felt like a day off. I think it's because I worked alone on Sunday, and I felt like I did a good job. All of the customers got good service (I was friendly), I finished all the things I needed to and left a good note for the guys to take care of on Monday, I left the store the way I want it to be left for me, and I was still able to read 3 magazines and part of my book. As much as I hate working on Sunday, that was a good one and mentally it allowed me to completely relax on Monday- knowing I'd done what I could at work.

I did what I wanted that day. I went to Hobby Lobby and started a few crafts. I fantisized about what your room will look like. I took a nap or two. I bought a really cute and fashionable top and jacket at Target that are NOT maternity and I can't wait to wear them on a date with your dad. I think I just need time and space to be creative and I haven't had that in a really long while.

Tuesday I took you to vote with me. I was wishing I could fill out a ballot for you, based off what I'd heard from lots of people but it turns out I didn't need to. I'm so glad the election is over because I'm tired of hearing everyone's one-sided arguments. And being so completely non-confrontational myself; I can't stand getting into political 'discussions'. Your dad and I went to our original 'Party Place' Buffalo Wild Wings and had dinner; which resulted in a heated political debate. That was about all of that I could handle!

The hardest part for me (especially in my current sensitive state) was reading people's comments on Facebook and taking them personally, especially people who were disappointed in the outcome of the election claiming that everyone who voted one way are uneducated, idiots, etc. I guess I see it from a journalistic standpoint: we are each entitled to our own opinion and that's what's so great about this country. I guess that also means we are entitiled to bash each other if we want! The beauty is that we have the right to research the candidates, decide what's important to us, and vote! Pretty cool thing... and it is nice to see everyone's passion.

Wednesday I had lunch with your Great Aunt Judy (she wanted wings so I had it 2 days in a row). She went with me to purchase the greatest pair of expensive maternity jeans ever. I mean, they made my day! I'll have to post a picture for posterity. They are awesome. Then I had dinner/wine (sniffing) night with your Aunt Jess. I'm so glad you will be around for her wedding, even if you are not at the ceremony or reception. Maybe we will put you in a cute outfit just for a picture.

Nothing is better or more important than spending time and your undivided attention on people you care about and that feel the same way about you. At the end of the day, all you have is time.

These blog posts keep staying long and I think it's because if I direct my ramblings at you, I start to get sentimental (or whatever it is) and want to try and teach you everything I'm learning right now. I can't wait to see you next week! I know that you are either a boy or a girl or a hermaphrodite right now, but we are not going to find out which for about 20 more weeks. You could also have downs syndrome or some other scary disease that freaks people out, but it doesn't matter. We love you so much and we are halfway down the road to meeting you! I'm going to keep my focus on reducing/eliminating stress, which could mean listening to as much Bob Marley as possible.

Ok I'm really going to stop writing now since this is getting a little strange.

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Bucky Diary: Week 17-18

Bucky,
We are going to practice calling you the female version because of the following things:

-I had a dream that I gave birth and it was very easy. You were a girl and that part was the most real of the whole thing. We were calling you different girl names and at the end of the dream I said the right one, the name we decided on, and then woke up.
-I had a random customer ask if he could predict what you are, and he said girl. Nobody else at work (customers or employees) have guessed.
-The midwife has said girl on two instances: at our first appointment because my skin was 'flushed', and at our last appointment just because she wanted to vote again.
-We have our girl name decided and have had it since before you were conceived, but we are still fighting about the boy name. A friend of a friend said that happened to them when they weren't finding out the sex of their baby and it turned out that they got the gender of the name that they weren't fighting over.
-At our family reunion, we did the Drano test (pee in a jar, put in crystal Drano, check the color within 10 seconds), and it said girl. Also 9 out of 11 people at the reunion guessed girl before we did the test, and the 5 people who voted boy weren't there. The other two put 'other'.
-I'm craving sweets more than meat.

Here are the signs you are a boy:
-We are calling you Buck, which is a male name.
-Your grandma gave me a blue charm for my bracelet.
-I had a dream I was breastfeeding and it was very easy. That part was the most real of the whole thing. You were a boy named Cawyer, which is our cousin's son's name.
-Your cousin (and mine) told me you are definitely a boy.

Just to prove how accurate the first example of your girlhood is, let me offer you this miracle that happened just last night:
I dreamt that your Aunt Liz had a baby boy, and it was extremely realistic. She found out the sex of her baby yesterday afternoon and I hadn't heard what the result was, until I woke up this morning to a text message saying it's a boy. Obviously I have some kind of psychic abilities.

And just so you know, if you do end up being a boy, you already have a best friend picked out for you (your now-confirmed boy cousin). And if you do end up being a girl, your husband has already been decided. We won't call him your cousin because that's just weird; but you will be friends growing up (different cities and all that), but will go to the same college, where you will fall in love and get married and make me and your Aunt Liz grandparents together, just like how we are pregnant with you two right now.

Of course, all of this is just speculation, my dear Bucky, until we do the ring test, the pencil test, and until you are born confirming all of it for us. Either way, we are happy to have you!

PS- Can you start kicking some more? Other than the bubbles, I felt it once during a scary TV show (American Horror Story), and I think I felt it last night after having a milkshake with dinner. Thanks!

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Weddings Galore!

Two large and exciting things happened during my pregnancy weeks 15 and 16. I'll just explain them since it's been so long now.

1. One of my best good friends Jess got engaged! I missed the call on a Friday while I was at work, and I thought it was weird because I knew she was at her favorite place (Port A) with her favorite guy, so she shouldn't be on the phone at all. I called right back and got to hear the wonderful story with all of the great details: my favorite is a lady walked up to them and asked if he'd just proposed and then came back and gave them a sand dollar and her address for them to send her a save the date.

Then on Sunday, Bonnie and I surprised Jess at the airport with funny signs. One said "Show us your bling!" and the other said '"Jess and Emil sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G" and had a picture of a very tall Emil squatting down to smooch a very small Jess hanging from a tree. We took her to dinner to hear even more details. Very fun!

Since the wedding will be middle of next year, it's so fun to look forward to but also strange thinking that Bean and I will have a human child to take care of at her wedding. It won't be as easy as dropping the dog off at boarding and throwing a few things in a bag. Plus it's in San Antonio, a good 5-hour drive from here. We will get to practice a lot of parenting skills that weekend!

2. I'd like to preface the next big event by saying that one of the worst things about being pregnant is feeling like you look gross, and none of your clothes fit, but you aren't ready for maternity clothes. Or you are stubborn like me and want to avoid the maternity clothes as long as possible!

With that said, our friends Dickie Doo and Alana got married! In college, Dickie Doo and I used to pretend we were married at all the parties and would tell stories including all of our friends. I think Bean was the pool boy! :) DD actually asked for my number at the party where I met Bean, and I gave it to him! And when I realized I was interested in Bean, DD played matchmaker and asked him what he thought about me.

Anyway, I planned to wear a dress I wore to the Nulph's wedding several months ago, thinking that since it's fitted under the bust and flowy, it would be just fine with my changing figure. However, these large bazungas are now very heavy and create cleavage (I do not like cleavage), and it was so tight fitted under the bust I could barely breathe.

So about 2 hours before our friends arrived to head to the wedding, I went to the mall and within 45 minutes purchased a new dress, on sale 50% off, that I felt beautiful in and would never wear normally without feeling insecure, and jewelry to go with it. I went home, slapped on some red lipstick (which I never wear either), and went to the wedding, feeling really good about myself!

It was easy to tell people that we are expecting when I felt so great. The wedding went well; the ceremony was funny because the officiant was very direct and talked about sex a lot (it was a Catholic wedding). My highlight was Bean and I singing to all the hymns when nobody else was.

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Baby Diary: Weeks 13-14

Dear Bucky,
Thanks for joining us on my birthday dinner last week- the big 29. Yikes!

Also, I sorta wish you weren't there so that I could have enjoyed a cosmo with appetizers, then a glass of wine and a medium-rare steak, and then a glass of champagne with dessert. And probably some ceviche in there somewhere.

Now I have a confession to make. I know you don't care, but I'm afraid some of my readers will be uncomfortable with this. I did have several bites of your dad's medium-rare steak and about 1/3 of a glass of champagne. (grimace at judgemental thoughts from whomever)

The steak was absolutely delicious, I wish I'd ordered it myself. But all the books say that you can get sick if you eat undercooked meat. For some reason I tend to lean toward undercooked things- that would explain the fascination with the steak, the ceviche, and sushi- that I'm not allowed to have according to whoever made the rules.

And as for the champagne, it's just not a birthday for me without champagne. I did have to convince your dad to let me have it, and he agreed as long as I had it WITH THE MEAL, absolutely no sips allowed before having food in my stomach! He was very earnest about that. I wasn't even allowed to order it until we placed our food order and I had to specify 'with my meal'. :)

It was nice to have a birthday not in the middle of a vacation like the last two, and it's the first birthday I can remember not making a big deal out of it.

This week, I think you gave me a belated birthday gift: two days in a row, and counting, where I haven't needed a 2-hour nap and have felt well enough to eat healthy food and actually cook dinner. It's a miracle!

Some of the stress at work is quieting down, so that may be a contributing factor too. It's definitely not sunshine and roses-not at all; but several of the extra things I was asked to do have been taken care of, so it's back to the business of getting my store running right, putting out fires, and dealing with complaints that I never had before the big assistant swap.

We went to the grocery store on Sunday, which is complete torture for a pregnant lady with lots of food aversions. That day I still wasn't feeling that great and I'm pretty sure I ate something processed or fried for every single meal. Then Monday, I cooked a big pan of lasagna, and I've been eating oatmeal and greek yogurt for breakfast. I'm also drinking more fluids and sticking with the gummy vitamins. I bet when I run out of this bottle, I can switch back to the regular ones.

It's amazing the difference in my mood when I know I'm eating healthy and not feeling so crappy all the time.

I bought my first pair of maternity pants this week. They are so ugly, but very comfortable. I had to send a picture to your Aunts because the way they looked made me laugh so much.

Also I felt a couple of bubbles in my belly near the same side they always find you on. It made me think of bubbles in a fish tank that just kept churning, and then it went away. Was that you doing cartwheels because you loved the lasagna?

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Baby Diary: Week 12

Buck,
Your mother is a rebel.

There are several examples of this, but first I want to tell you that I just used the 'Expectant Mothers' parking at Market Street to go in and buy sushi. For me to eat. 

If that doesn't scream 'Rebel', I don't know what does!

Sushi is on the forbidden foods list, but it was the only thing that sounded good. For your health I had the boring california roll, when I really wanted the sashimi in all it's raw glory. I've also been craving ceviche, one of my favorite raw fish foods of all time.

Here are more examples of your mother's rebel state of being:

-I drive way too fast. And I generally don't care if I get a speeding ticket. I expect to get at least one each year. This year has been a little rough, I've had 3. On the same road. Maybe with the same cop at least twice.

-On cap & gown day Senior year of High School, my girlfriends and I decided to wear our bathing suits underneath our gowns all day long. Then we told people we were naked, and proved it by pulling our gowns WAY up or WAY down and when people realized there wasn't any real clothing there they believed it.

-On that same day, a friend wrote in my yearbook (at my request): 'You are such a rebel!'

-Last time I had the flu, your dad had it and I, being the rebel that I am, drank from his orange juice cup thinking "My immune system is great, I won't get sick!" I think I learned my lesson on that one.

-In elementary school, I wore a sports bra with a net shirt over it and bicycle shorts. It was in style according to my cousins who lived in Tyler, and I knew I looked awesome, but all my friends asked why I was wearing a bathing suit to school. I told them I was going swimming later.

- I once (or twice) helped a friend steal an Orbitz drink (or two) from the gas station across the street from our middle school. It was the drink that had the little floating balls in it that you could practically chew.

-At daycare, I told a younger girl to say a cuss word. When the teacher heard her, she got in trouble and blamed it on me. Clearly I was the instigator, but that didn't give her the right to rat me out! ;)

-In Yearbook class in High School, we used to drive around and 'sell ads'. Which really just meant drive around and listen to music during school hours and get back just in time for the next class.

-For the first time ever, I told a friend I couldn't make it to dinner because I was tired. It was the truth, but normally I would just go anyway and be miserable.

-I will probably wear a mini skirt after age 30.

But being a rebel goes deeper than pushing the envelope sometimes. I'm becoming more distrustful of corporate junk, and I don't think the government or anyone needs to know what my race is on any type of paperwork. In fact, every time I'm confronted with the question of my race, my answer is 'Other'. Because that's the truth and nobody needs to know the color of my skin.

I never thought I'd even entertain the idea of staying home with my child for any amount of time, but even now, when you are only the size of a peach, I can't imagine leaving you, who means everything, somewhere while I go off to work at something that means nothing to me. I think being a rebel even comes out in that we didn't get you right away- we waited almost 5 years. Way longer than most people think is normal.

Being a rebel means pushing the envelope, especially when it comes to what's right and wrong. Not being afraid to do what's best for you. Not being afraid to take risks.

I hope you get the perfect blend of rebel and law-abiding citizen. I just know you will drive well within the speed limit!

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Baby Diary Week 10-11

Buck,
I have a confession to make. I was way healthier before you took up residence. I took several different vitamins, drank a perfect smoothie, and skipped fast food EVERY DAY. The vitamins make me gag, the smoothie makes me feel sick, and I have eaten McDonald's at least once a week. Gross!

The past week or so has been very stressful. The Saturday morning of your dad's birthday party I had some bleeding that faded away when I chose to lay on the couch and delegate party prep to your grandma. The next morning I had a postage stamp sized clot (very scary), but then only spotting for a few days. I noticed the spotting was worse when I wasn't able to take breaks at work or eat and drink enough.

Our midwife ordered an urgent ultrasound on Tuesday when I called her about it. She used the words 'threatened abortion' and mentioned it could be that or an issue with the placenta. I cried in the office at work for an hour until I got the appointment set up. Then I got to see you- waving at me and showing me your foot!

On the way out of the office, I got a call from my boss saying that my assistant had been promoted but they had someone replacing him and the switch was happening the very next day.

Later that night, I was relaxing during a pedicure (what I really needed was a 2 hour nap!) and the midwife called to explain that it was a sub-chorionic hematoma. No lifting anything for a week and rest as much as possible. Then schedule an ultrasound to check on it and decide what to do from there. Really bad week to try and fit in some rest! I grabbed a quick dinner, went and got a spray tan for the wedding that weekened and finally went to sleep.

It's nearly impossible to not lift anything at work since I'm the coverage and it's been a battle to get someone to help out. I had to put my foot down and told my boss it was unacceptable for me to be working the way I am with the issue I have. Plus my new assistant needs a lot of hand holding and we were busy. I gave him and my 3rd key a long list of tasks to complete that weekend (long, but not unreasonable) and explained how to do all of them.

Thursday through Sunday we were in Galveston for your Aunt & Uncle's wedding. I was able to relax some, but I got food poisoning the first night and was up all night with two undesirable symptoms (vomiting and #3, yuck). Your dad tried his best to help me, but he was gagging over trying to clean my vomit out of the sink so it was a really rough  night. I discovered that while I wish I were able to dance nonstop like I normally do, you have other plans! Like making me gag over the smell of wedding cake and booze and making me dizzy. Thanks!

Luckily my follow up ultrasound was on Monday. Your heartbeat was 171, and the hemmorage is still there but stable. Our midwife wrote a light duty letter for my work; mainly at my request. The most important task I delegated from the past weekend was not done and all I got were excuses.

I needed something to show my boss that my situation is extremely important and that they will lose a lot more if they don't get me help. Good news is I'm allowed to lift 10 lbs (one gallon!), which makes everything much easier, just slow. Bad news is it lasts until 5 months into the pregnancy- about 2.5 months from now! She gave me the option of her writing a letter saying I needed bedrest; we both think I don't *need* it, but she was willing to do it to make a statement to my work.

At this point, I'm stuck in a really tough situation. I've been getting help from other stores, but that doesn't help the stress of thinking about what crap I have to deal with when I get back after a few hours or a day off. To clarify, I don't worry about it when I'm not there- I don't even think about it- but soon as I wake up to go in, the dread starts. I have to work through two separate personnel issues right now, and the problem is I won't be able to work on them until Thursday or Friday of next week.

Anyway, thinking about this on my wonderful day off this week- today- is not what I wanted to do, so I'll just think about you! I cried watching A Baby Story earlier, the mom said, "When I looked at her, I thought- she's real! I'm a mom!"

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Baby Diary Week 8-9

August 29, 2012

Buck,
We've started calling you what my mom called me when I was in utero, mainly because it's so funny. Two of your aunts have told me they don't like it, but I don't care. It's not your real name, after all- we don't know what you are so we don't know your actual name yet!

It's nearly impossible to keep you a secret from our college friends. If we could go back, I know we would have just set up a dinner or something and told everyone a couple of weeks ago. For some reason I was holding on to the 'super important 30th birthday surprise' idea and now it's almost more stressful to not say anything. Not really worth it, either. It's a little too late now, though.

I had a really rough day at work today. It started when I didn't feel well when I got there, I was going to stick it out until 1pm when I had relief, but ended up calling in help and leaving at 11:30. A customer gave me a go to hell look for no reason (I was trying to help her solve a problem), then it was slightly busy and I didn't want to talk to anyone, then the hiring manager I met with for those sales jobs and a sales rep came in (plus I looked like crap: glasses, no makeup, dirty ponytail, huge sweater, and since my pants won't button, an untucked shirt), and they were asking me questions and all I wanted was to get those customers out of the store. So now I've been feeling sick, treated like crap, and made a bad impression on a district manager, and I lost it.

I couldn't stop sobbing for a full 30 minutes, which turned into dry heaving into the toilet while the stupid eco light switched off because it thought nobody was in the restroom. I was sitting on the floor. I tried to pull it together and help the customers that kept walking in front of the door making it sound like there was a crowd of 50 people waiting for assistance, but ended up locking myself in the office until I calmed down. My poor part timer was having to help all of the customers which just made me feel worthless. I came home and laid on the couch for 6 hours until your dad came home, feeling completely numb mentally and physically. I still think I need another full day off work to relax and take care of myself, but it's not possible. I am the coverage at work. If I'm not there helping 4x the customers as anyone else, the customers have to wait longer. And my main issue is that they get mad at me if I don't smile at them or coddle them every day.

Let's change the subject. Great news: we went to Souper Salad for dinner and I had TWO of the blueberry muffins and a baked potato. I fantasized about it all afternoon and the dream came true.

Also this past Friday, Stoney LaRue was at the Market Street near our house to debut his new line of wines. I was so excited to try his wine, except that I can't until you change your residence. :) We went anyway and got him to autograph two bottles of wine and I told him a little story. First I introduced myself and he met Bean- it has to be awkward meeting all these random people who know stuff about him and he knows nothing about them. So here's how the conversation went:
Me: "We have a funny story for you!"
Stoney: "I love funny stories!"
 Me: "Well, it's not really that funny...but it is a story. So, you sang our first dance at our wedding...."
Stoney: "Feet Don't Touch the Ground?"
Me: "YES! And we've been married almost 5 years now, and we are pregnant!"
Stoney: "Well, congratulations! (as he signs the wine bottles) And something for the bambino..."

Then he writes 'Welcome...' and signs his name on a bandana, just for you. So we got your first autograph and it was a very serendipitous story. We plan to frame it and hang it in the nursery!

Another thing that happened last week is we had our first midwife appointment. Kathleen told your dad when I left the room: "Do you see how her skin is flushed? That means it's a girl." He doesn't believe her. She sent us for an ultrasound just to confirm the timing, which turned out almost exact. We thought we were due March 31st and the new date is April 1st- April Fool's Day!

It was an amazing day. It's easy to tell yourself that the pregnancy isn't really there, especially if you aren't feeling too bad. You can trick yourself. But when the lady put that machine on my belly, and I know the picture on the screen is coming from it, and there's a baby there... well, there's no tricking yourself then!

She did a transvaginal next to try and get some closer pictures, and it was amazing. After she did all of her measurements, she turned it and showed us your heartbeat (very strong she said!) and showed the blood moving through your body. I don't know that I can describe the awe at knowing there's another heart inside you beating away. She was hoping you would do a trick for us, but you didn't move so she said you must be taking a nap. Must be nice to just nap whenever you want!

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Baby Diary Week 7

8-16-12

"The further I get down this road, the closer I get to you..."

Jason Boland knows just how to make a girl cry. I started listening to the song because the tune is slightly depressing, and that's just how I was feeling at the moment- hopeless and confused. My job is something I've struggled with for several years now. But I'm stubborn and I think that you can overcome anything with the way you look at it. Unfortunately I'm also finding out that that's wrong.

You can't make yourself enjoy something that you just plain don't. You can lie to yourself, and you might believe it for awhile. You can look at the positive, focus on the things you do like. But sooner or later if the negatives outweigh the positives for you, it will all catch up and you will have to make the decision you've avoided for so long: to continue being miserable or change it.

"Will good outshine bad, can he turn this thing around
Should he drop to his knees, just give up now
Begging for release in the night
Has he gone too far to fight?"

Then this song by Eli Young Band came on. And it reminded me of a conversation at one of the coolest places on earth: Machu Picchu. About scary things, and how that hike was literally the scariest thing I'd ever done, but I did it. I finished it. The sense of pride is intense, but it also shows that nothing is scarier than the possibility of falling off the edge of a cliff to your painful death. Not even giving up a career path that's not working anymore. No matter how hard you try to fix it, or look at the positives.

When you reach the end of your rope, you've reached it. There is no more rope!

Only one week until we get to make sure you are real at our midwife appointment. I sure hope you are because A) you are my ticket out of this career (no pressure!) and B) the thought of how to teach you the lessons I'm trying so hard to learn now is my sole motivation for making a change.

The thought of you working so hard and so long for something that isn't making you happy breaks my heart. That doesn't mean to give up. Quite the oppposite, it means to try your hardest to make any situation work, but if you know you've given it your best and it's not working out, I hope you can learn when to walk away, even when it's scary.

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Baby Diary Week 6

August 6, 2012

Hey Blueberry-

Your mother (me) just had one of the most difficult weekends ever. I went on a girls weekend style trip for a bridal shower and keeping you a secret was incredibly difficult. In fact, I'm really not sure if you still are a secret, although only one person was directly notified. Not counting the waitress and bartender who needed to know.

Last week, just after we found out about you, I went on another girls weekend style trip for my high school reunion. It just so happened that one of your Aunts needed to spill the beans on the bun in her oven at the same time, so we were able to surprise all of our friends together. It was one of the best moments (that happened 3 different times) I've had spreading the news about you. The only drawback was the conversation that weekend was completely centered around motherhood and the thought of you still hadn't settled in yet. In fact, I'm not sure if it has yet, but the longer I wait the more real you become.

The trip this weekend was with another group of friends and one of our favorite activities to do together is spend time together enjoying adult beverages. Which you will not have until you are in college! I'd like to highlight 4 of the hardest moments for me:

1. The group decides to make margaritas and sunbathe. There's literally no way for me to get a fake-looking beverage without being awkward and obvious so I accept the (luckily extremely watered down) margarita and mostly just let it sit there and melt. Everyone else guzzles theirs down, then continue with beer and pina coladas. I just say, 'I'm good!' and get weird looks.

2. At dinner, I ask the waitress for a vodka press, and so does another friend. Then I excuse myself to 'use the restroom', corner the waitress in the crowded, smoky bar filled with drunk people and explain the situation. I ask her to just make it look like a drink but it can just be sprite with lime or whatever. I get back to the table feeling satisfied, and the real vodka press has been served in a tiny plastic cup. Next thing I know, the waitress comes up with a huge styrafoam cup and plops it in front of me. The questions immediately start "What's that?" "What did you order?" "I thought you got a vodka press?" "What did she bring you?" I clammed up and said, "I'm not sure what she brought, it takes like straight sprite." Waitress is flagged down by friends and I ask for a vodka press. Luckily she brings me water with a lime in the correct tiny plastic cup. Thanks for nothing lady!

3. At the bar after dinner, they are known for something called a Bushwacker. First of all, it's something I'd never drink- it contains heavy cream and something gross called tequila rose. Four of them are ordered and passed around. Again, no way to avoid taking one (just like the margaritas) without being weird. So I pretended to sip it a couple of times and eventually said I wanted something else. Ordered my fake vodka press again (and here comes the huge styrafoam cup again!) and it seemed to work out ok. Still akward. Then the friends thought it would be funny- they are all drunk at this point- to start grabbing, pinching, and cupping my boobs. I guess their new size is just irresistable. Have I mentioned that they really hurt most of the time? Looking forward to payback on that one!

4. The next morning, friend looks at my phone for the time. No big deal. Until I check the time and see a dumb pregnancy tracker notification popped up on my screen! I didn't even think I signed up for those. It clearly said, 'Your baby is 6 weeks old today...blah blah blah....' So I had to confront it and she said she saw there was a text but she didn't read it, but why, is there something I need to tell her? Still not sure if the news is out by that, but I did my best to backtrack.

All I know now is you are tiny and starting to make me feel pretty crappy. Not just tired, but I just threw up in my mouth a little bit, and the idea of most foods that aren't in a box gross me out. The only appealing foods are velveeta shells & cheese (which I had for dinner, but if I barf, that might change), cereal, popcorn, and pasta. I know I need fruits and veggies but they are too much work and I'm eating so often to avoid feeling queasy. I almost blacked out at work earlier because we were so busy I was running around for a few hours straight and didn't have time to even drink water. So far the grossest foods are: wet eggs, chicken, steak, slimy pork, wet fish, fake margaritas, tuna, and salad. Seriously, just reading that list makes me want to hurl.

The weirdest craving has been jelly beans. The worst part other than forgetting every other thing I need to rememer and feeling off balance are the headaches- just dull enough to notice but not something I'd ever take medicine for. Also the burping. It's constant.

Only a couple more weeks until we go to the doctor and then get to spread the news about you to even more family and friends! I don't anticipate many more akward moments around avoiding alcohol before the biggest surprise reveal we have planned, in just a few weeks at your dad's 30th birthday party. We want to visit the midwife before telling anyone else and make sure everything is ok. And then I can let these secret blog posts go too!

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Baby Diary Week 5

August 2, 2012

Dear Baby Bell,
We just found out about you, barely a week ago.

Right now you are the size of an appleseed, or a sweet pea. We've been hoping for you for a couple of months now. We'd hoped you would be a Peruvian or a Canadian baby, but you decided you were Texan all the way.

Before you showed up, we took 2 tests, hoping you would be there. The first one was a couple of months ago. I just *knew* you were there, so we went to see 'What to Expect-The Movie' and I had lemonade. We took a test and it was negative.

Then a week before you showed up (2 months after the last check), we took a test and it was negative. We discussed adoption, prepared ourselves for the process to take several months and involve hormones or assistance of some kind because of my thyroid issues. I don't really believe you are real yet.

The hormones are making me exhausted (what else is new?), and I have a really great sense of smell. I look bloated and my boobs are weird. I hope you appreciate this some day.

I found out your Aunt is expecting her first baby a couple of days before the last negative test we took. A week after that, I decided to take another one so that I could have fun at my High School Reunion. I woke up at about 2am, needing to pee. Here's the nitty gritty:

I decided to go ahead and take the test since I already had to pee, and when it was negative I could just get back to sleep. I peed in a shot glass so it would be easier to get a sample, dunked the stick in it, put the cap on, and set it on the counter. Then started to shuffle back to bed before I remembered I should probably pour out the shot glass of pee so Bean wouldn't see it. It had been less than a minute and I decided to check the stick while I was there even though you are supposed to wait 2 minutes. I did a double take because there was a positive. I thought I was seeing something crazy. I went over and set it on Bean's sink. Then picked it up and looked at it closer. Then poured out the shotglass and rinsed it out and stood there for a second in shock.

I got into bed and of course couldn't sleep, so I rolled over and propped my chin in my hands and stared at Bean. Then nudged him. A few times. He mumbled something and asked if I was ok. I jumped up a lightning speed and ran into the bathroom, grabbed the stick, turned on my lamp, and shoved it in his face. When he finally realized what it was, he exclaimed, "OH! What are you doing? What time is it?" We talked about it for a few minutes and he needed to get back to sleep. Of course I couldn't so I went into the living room and did plenty of research online. Your due date based off of my long cycles is March 31st. Sounds great to us!

The next morning, Bean came in before leaving for work and jumped on the bed saying, "Take care of my baby, don't drive fast, buckle your seatbelt, don't swerve, and NO SUSHI!" He was obviously excited about you. My reply was, "Ok, if no sushi, that also means no litterbox!"

He said, "Well....maybe a little sushi."

Your dad is a funny guy.

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Happy Birthday Bean!

I know your birthday was 2 days ago, but I thought this one deserved it's own blog post. A sort of transition from our travel adventures to our newest adventures as parents!

The pregnancy is 10 weeks along, and I can finally release the blog posts I've been writing for the past 5 weeks! We've been calling the baby Buck for a week or two because when I was in utero, my mom called me Buck. She didn't know what my gender was and she didn't find out until I was born; we don't plan to find out either.

We spread the good news at a backwoods birthday party. Everyone was dressed up for the theme, we pulled everyone out on the lawn for a group picture. I had on a huge fake belly to cover up that my pants won't button comfortably and that I am looking rather large, just not pregnant yet. On about the 3rd round, I screamed out 'We're Pregnant!" and Bean stayed quiet. I turned and asked him why he didn't say it with me, so I ran out in front of the group and yelled it out again. Meanwhile, we got a few good pictures (borrowed from Kayla):

 Regular Group Pose

 I yelled it out and turned to ask Bean why he didn't say it too...

The best reaction was from Evie in the striped pants and Sherry in the red bandana (Bean's aunts). They were super excited and shocked/proud that Terri (their sister/Bean's mom) was able to keep it a secret. I'm so relieved that the secret is out. We had a 99% positive reaction, and one that's really got me upset.

At the end of the day I know that this was our first opportunity to make a decision as a family on how and when we would spread the news and we did it in the way we planned and were comfortable with. That I am happy about and proud of. So many things in this pregnancy have not gone the way I pictured (at all!), but this was one thing we were able to pull off.

I thought I would be hyper aware of the food I was eating and it would all be super healthy; instead it's mostly junk I don't usually eat (chicken strips, pop tarts, milkshakes). I thought I would love every minute of it; instead I feel crazy and irritated and not interested in being fake (at work or otherwise). And I thought I would want to spread the news as soon as possible; instead the whole think kinda freaked me out and I wanted to make sure it was real before telling most people.

It makes me wonder if anyone else out there has ever had a bad reaction to a much-awaited pregnancy announcement. Check back for the secret blog posts I've done for the past few weeks that show the progression from the time we found out. Thanks for reading!

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