Quality Over Quanitity, Always

I've always kept an extended circle of friends- more like a complex venn diagram, really- one circle overlaps another and another and suddenly I have lots of friends through different people. In the past, I would bend over backwards to be the one who was easy to get along with, agreeing to plans even if I wasn't interested or going along with what the group wanted because I didn't want to make waves, plus I wanted everyone to like me. Don't we all?

With all the changes in my life recently, I've tried hard to listen to my gut. If an idea to hang out sounds unappealing, I listen to my gut and politely decline, or at least be honest about any reservations I have.

My first mom friend was in my post-natal yoga class, and her son is a month older than my girl. They were similar developmentally, hitting milestones around the same time for about the first year of their lives. When the kids were too mobile for us to stay in the yoga class, she suggested we try swimming at a heated indoor saltwater pool she knew about.

Swimming freaks me out. I'm not good at it. I don't know CPR. Getting in the water with a baby is frightening. I decided to not let fear win, so we started going swimming. It was really great at first- the kids would sit in these floaties and we would walk the length of the pool for at least an hour just chatting. Then the kids got bigger, and wanted out of the floaties, and then it was winter, and then other things started cropping up, so we stopped going.

Now it's almost summer again and she's ready to start going again. I told her again about my reservations, and she suggested we do our own version of swimming lessons, at a more relaxed pace. I'm still apprehensive, but I think we will try it at least once or twice. She inspires me to be honest about whether things work for me or not, because I know she is doing the same for me. If something doesn't work for her, she will just say no. It's my favorite thing about our relationship.

Lately, I also gravitate toward people who I can have a real connection with- not the shallow one based on our shared past. I started meeting up with various friends from growing up when I would go down to Houston. We would set a time and meet up for dinner or drinks.

I reconnected with a childhood friend, and it was great sharing a glass of wine and catching ourselves up on each other's lives since the last time we saw each other- probably high school. I found that a high school friend and I don't have much of anything in common and we can't relate to each other on where we are in our lives- I've dealt with so much death, I get bored with flighty conversation and gossip and those are her main topics. An old coworker and I had dinner once and while I want to try again to meet up with her, time gets away from me on these trips.

One of my favorite times was recently, I planned a dinner with an old friend who just got engaged, his fiancee, and another mutual friend. This old friend inspires me- he's hilarious and silly, and deep, and always up for a conversation, no matter which way it goes. I can really be myself and talk about things that scare other people around him and it's all good. The mutual friend and I were not on the same page for awhile- I wasn't sure what to talk about with him, so I would revert back to asking about his dating life, which he wasn't interested in talking about. We sorted that out over lunch prior to this dinner.

We all sat at an outdoor table (my favorite!) and shared smallish plates (another favorite), while splitting bottles of red wine. Four of us consumed five bottles of wine, and I don't even know how that is possible. We talked about everything: the engagement story, minimal wedding plans, apartment updates, my second miscarriage, adoption, feeling like society says you should be doing one thing, when you really want to do something else. We sat there for hours and my soul was lit up.

The beauty of reconnecting with old friends is that they have seen you at your awkward moments, and can appreciate how far you have come. They can see changes in you, and you are teaching them how to be around you. We always promise to text more, to call about important things, but so far we haven't. He texted me today just to say hi, and a new goal came to mind: to make an effort on this one. Text him if I see something funny, or just to say hi, instead of waiting for him to reach out.

If there's not a response right away, he's busy. No worries- it doesn't mean he doesn't want to be my friend anymore.

The important thing is to nurture connections with people who ignite that fire in you-  that make you want to do your best, and to try harder, who 'get' you and don't try to change you.

And then to put distance where you need it; when the friendship is not genuine or supportive, when it is critical or makes you feel bad about yourself, when you are giving more than you are receiving.

I have broken up with two friends in my post-high school life: one was a friend I met on the first day of Drawing I. We spent lots of time together, since we had most of our classes together. She had wild red curly hair and was into photography and movies. But by our Junior years, the only time she called me was to get her out of a jam- to pick her up when she was too drunk to drive, for instance. The last straw was when she called me, slurring her words, and asked me to drive over an hour to pick her up, then to take her back the next day to pick up her car. I told her I couldn't and didn't see her again.

The other was a work friend who I spent a tons of time with both in and outside of work. She had a way of viewing things in a negative light and Bean once mentioned to me that after I came home from visiting with her, I always had a negative mindset and was complaining a lot. I didn't want to be that way, so I let the friendship fade. I should have done it in a better way, but I wasn't strong enough then to tell her the truth.

I had a friend cease contact with me too, and it hurt like a motherfucker. She was one of my closest friends in high school. We had all of our classes together, worked on every project together, were in band together, and I suspect that I'm the only person that ever went over to her house- that one time. There was a misunderstanding about Senior Prom- I had my venn diagram of friends and planned to go to dinner and split a limo with one group of friends that she was not in. My understanding is that she thought we were going to do a band group and stopped talking to me after I said again that I was going with the other group.

I don't know if she is someone I would want to be friends with today, and I did run into her at a baby shower for a mutual friend last year which was extremely awkward for both of us.

The journey of finding friends that inspire you is a fun one for me, especially with my journey of trying to find more local mom friends. I enjoy a little bit of small talk, and the getting to know you talk is always split up into several sessions when there are kids in the mix. I have no doubt that I will find new friends that are just as important as Bud and Donna were to me.

Bud inspires me to be sillier, friendlier, to make plans, to go to festivals, and to be myself. She was my soulmate, the one person in the world who was most like me, and I think about her constantly. When something feels calm to my soul, I know it's her reassuring me.

Donna inspires me to recycle every single thing (I recently upped my recycling game when I found out we can put plastics #1-7 in our bin, not just #1 and #2!!), to think about our planet and conservation, to be kind, and of course to laugh hysterically without reservation.

I miss them, I'm teaching my daughter about them, and I'm so lucky to have them watching my back as I continue finding other friends that inspire and uplift. Quality over quantity, always.

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Girls Weekend 2015

This weekend we picked back up with our Girls Weekend tradition. We started in 2006 at Brittney's surprise bachelorette party when Donna said that we should plan to get together every year for a weekend. 

The next year, we surprised Donna at the hospital while she was doing her cancer treatments. Our originally planned Girls Weekend that year was spent together at her funeral.

2008, 2009, 2010, and 2011 we jumped around to various houses including Jess's house, the Bay House, and Liz's parents and her own house. 

2012 we got together the weekend of our 10-year high school reunion, which was weird for Jess because she didn't go to high school with us! Liz and I announced our pregnancies to the group together and I loved having couch time with her after the reunion to just relax and watch bad TV. 

2013 we didn't have an official weekend, but we did all see each other at Liz's funeral. 

For 2014, we started planning too late and ended up with this January. If we don't end up getting together another time this year- probably not- we will count this one for 2015 also. It was perfect and good enough to count for two years, in my opinion. 

We were all there the whole time- both nights- and 80% of the time was spent sitting on couches talking. Whit made a zucchini lasagna for Friday night, which we ate around 8pm when Rachel finally arrived. We stayed up until 2am on the couches, and continued our conversations in the various bedrooms until even later than that. 

Saturday we were finally all awake around 10am, got dressed, and went to Gloria's for lunch (my favorite), then got pedicures and were back home on the couches by 4pm. Where we stayed until around 8, when we had my orzo pasta salad/chicken breasts for dinner, and then moved back to the couches until midnight. 

Sunday we woke up fairly early because half of us had to get on the road first thing. Whit, Rachel and I kept the weekend going- Rachel and I went to Starbucks while Whit ran a few errands and then we all had lunch at Red Robin before heading home. Also, I got my car deep cleaned on the way home!

It was just such an easy weekend. I don't even think I could recount what topics we covered- everything from our new families, to our parents, high school people we knew, things we remember from middle school, of course Liz and Donna, pregnancy (we even had a new pregnancy announcement!), and sex. Even when I brought up the topic of circumcision and I was the only one with a different opinion, I loved hearing what everyone had to say!

We are all very different but we have key things in common with each other that keeps us together, not just the deaths of two of our girls. Parenting is a huge common denominator now. Lauren and Britt each have 3 kids and they were the most tired of anyone, and also the most positive/easygoing about raising kids and dealing with all their 'stuff'. Brittney and Rachel are similar in their marriages, Lauren and I share this hippie thing/interest in tattoos, Jess and Rachel and I have lots of things in common, including enjoying a stiff drink sometimes- and our college experiences were the most similar. Lauren and Whitney have similar stories about past relationships. I could keep going on this, but while we have so many things in common, we probably all feel like the odd man out sometimes. 

This weekend, I felt like I was in a glass box because of my most recent miscarriage, giving me an equal number of pregnancies as Brittney and Lauren, but only one child to show for it. I'm the only one with any miscarriages and nobody knows what to do about it. The most common thing I hear is, "I don't understand what you are feeling" and "I don't know what to say" (sometimes preceded by or followed by silence). This is definitely NOT to say that my close girlfriends only responded this way, just a generalization on most people. 

If it had come up naturally, I would have loved to explain what it feels like, but it just didn't. I'm comfortable talking about it, but other people are not. Rachel's response to that was that it doesn't matter what everyone else thinks- and I agree- but seeing the looks on everyone's faces is so uncomfortable for me. I wish I had been more brave and just interrupted whatever conversation we were having with this topic. I think I might reach out individually instead because the responses I've gotten just from my group of girlfriends has been so different and I would love to give feedback on how each of them affected my experience- mostly positively. 

I felt so weird talking about being pregnant because it was like a reminder to everyone that I've been dealing with some painful stuff for the past couple of years. Near the end of the weekend, I think it got easier because I just did it- I talked about the nausea, the messy house, the worry/anxiety of this most recent pregnancy, and the loveliness and how great I felt with the pregnancy before. Part of me felt weird talking about this most recent one because it didn't work out and also none of my friends knew about it until it was over. I wish they had known the whole time- but when I was in it, I didn't want anyone to know. What a catch-22. 

The bottom line is that everyone has a different perspective on hard situations and generally want to be supportive, but sometimes it comes out as nothing/completely blowing it off, or over the top/rambling suggestions, or somewhere in the middle. (Again, not just talking about my girlfriends here). 

What I wanted to hear is "I'm so sorry for your loss", what I wanted to see was flowers delivered so I had something pretty to look at- I did get one bouquet, and I felt most supported by the 3 friends who brought dinner over or had it delivered so I didn't have to worry about one more thing. I support myself by writing and allowing emotions to come up when they want to instead of pushing them down like I did last time. 

My favorite long distance hug was a text Lauren sent with a picture of her sushi dinner the same night we found out and were having our own sushi dinner- the note said something about celebrating the future of the Bell family. That was exactly what I needed- someone to be with me and be hopeful in the moment. 

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Shadowdale

While in Houston for the holidays, my entire family decided to take a walk through the neighborhood. The goal was the mansion on the last street in the back that goes overboard on their holiday decorations. It was a nice time to reflect on some things and I brought my camera along because every step down these streets brings up a flood of memories.

                                      

It's hard to try and describe what I see when I look at these pictures, but maybe I can try. To you, they are just houses, streets, and grass but to me, they are the fabric of my life. How do you even begin with all of the memories? 

When I look at our house, I see the two trees that used to be there. I remember running away with a blanket and some books and climbing up into one of them. Then getting uncomfortable from sitting on branches that I decided to go back inside. 

I sold lemonade at a garage sale in the driveway. My brother and I ran through the sprinklers and begged our dad to watch us. We would grab the sprinkler and aim it at each other, then complain when the other did it back.

One time, some friends and I thought we would be cool by posing all together on a blanket in the front of the house. 

When I was in Kindergarten, I walked out to check the mail and looked down the street.

 I saw my friend Liz from class at her house checking the mail or getting out of a car or something. I screamed her name and ran all the way there- so excited to discover we lived on the same street.

For all the years after that, we were in carpools together (her mom always instinctively turned left toward her house instead of right to bring me home), girl scouts together, and when my Granny was in town, we rode the bus to school together. We used to all line up in the middle of the street to wait for the bus. I'm not sure if they did that when we weren't there or not.

*I know there is a picture of this somewhere and when I find it, I'll edit this post and put it here.*

Once we got to middle school, I would go down to her house sometimes and we would sit in the kitchen and watch Gumby or XUXA while she finished eating breakfast. We could watch at the window and run out just as the bus was pulling up without missing it. Our friend Donna lived in the neighborhood too- she was also in our class. But she and Liz were in soccer together and were already good friends when I came along.

Around the same time we memorized the Gumby theme song, they poured some concrete out at the bus stop. We got there a little late, but we were still able to carve our names.

The 'L' and part of the 'i' in her name is now broken off. It's a little ironic that we carved our names thinking they would always be there and so would we. You can read my name plain as day, but finding her is so much harder- the same way it is for me now.

Once the boy across the street from her started chasing her. He was really fast and she tripped over some bags of leaves and hurt her knee. I was so mad, screaming for him to stop- he never did. I think it's a friend's job to hold grudges like that and it's funny because I still do.

There's a ditch in the neighborhood that has all kinds of funny stories. Like the time me and some friends loaded up all of my troll dolls and took them to the ditch and rolled the wagon-full down. Then had to pick them all back up again and go home.

My brother and his friends made bike jumps- he fell off and scraped his whole cheek off. I shot a bb gun there and threw it to the ground when I hit the Dr Pepper can. My dad and brother were brave enough to ride their bikes down into the ditch and back up the other side. I was a wimp so I let my bike roll down in there and then just walked it back up.

Once my dad grabbed some re-bar that was sticking out of the ground and cut his hand pretty bad.

One time I pretended that one of those bushes was my house. It was kinda boring though.

The field near the end of the ditch leads to the other neighborhood, where we went to sell Girl Scout cookies once. I wasn't sure if we were allowed, but we did.

We were allowed to play at the ditch whenever we wanted. It led straight to the street where Donna lived so we would take our bikes or walk. I guess it was safer than being on the roads with the cars. At her street there is a bridge that goes across to that other neighborhood. Liz loved telling the story about her and Donna going to Pick N Peck- which was through the other neighborhood and down a busy street! I went there too, just not with them. I bought candy cigarettes.

At our street, the fence has a gap so you can get back in. Not all streets have it. When you get back out, it ends up closer to her house. The grass used to grow pretty tall and there was a narrow dirt path where we could ride our bikes. Remarkably, other than that, the ditch looks the same.

When I see her parent's house, it's like looking at my own house. We filmed most of our video there- inside, out on the driveway, parked in my car in the street, in the backyard. I can picture the rooms as they were when we were young: the stickers all over her mirror and door, the toy room right next door. The bedroom at the end of the hall was never used until Liz was older and moved back home. Then when we were getting ready for her wedding, every time I stayed over, we slept in that room.

In the driveway, I see all of us girls ready for Senior Prom and the limo parked out front. I loved her hair the most, she loved my dress the most.

That red car was hers in high school. She was so afraid to drive, never went on the highways. But she got carsick, so it was best for her to drive instead of riding. I'd say about 80% of the time we went anywhere, she drove.

I've always felt comfortable on this street, in this neighborhood. We went trick or treating alone (well, the three of us, or me with my brother) ever since I can remember. I have all of the bumps in the road memorized. Looking at these pictures I feel a sense of familiarity, calm, and rest. It looks like a nice place to land.

For most of the past year I've felt alone and half empty when I think about Liz and Donna and myself in relation to them. Liz and I were generally part of a friend threesome at any given point in our lives. The third person was different depending on what year(s) you are talking about. And of course we each had other friends, some that we called our best friends from time to time, but I don't think it's possible for us to not be best friends anymore. Even now.

She is as much a part of me now as she was then. And I'm happy. She wants that for me, and I'm glad to know that she is too.

To quote Mitch Albom in Tuesdays with Morrie, "Death ends a life, not a relationship."

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Happy 27th.

Several weeks ago, we had a work event for the Women in Leadership group in my company. The topic was 'The event in life that got me where I am today' along with 'The best advice I ever got'. I volunteered to speak at the luncheon and I knew I wanted to tell the women of my company about Donna. I was really nervous to open up about it- thus far, it's much easier to protect my heart and not get too close to people who might hurt me.

I've had experiences with people I wanted to be close with treating my family poorly, and since that stemmed from a coworker situation, I've found it easier to keep a wall up with my coworkers. Something was urging me to share my story-her story-and see if my coworkers were worth my time. So here's what I said.

June 15th, 2007 was a Friday. I was working one of my first open to close shifts at the Flower Mound store. We were slammed, running around helping customers and answering phones. I was holding down the tint machine making a couple of orders and I heard my cell phone ring around 9am. I thought it was strange because I wasn't expecting a call at that time of day.

As soon as I saw the name I knew.

It was my friend Whitney calling to tell me one of my best friends had died.

Donna was 22 years old, a readhead who preferred glasses, and one of my top 3 friends. Usually when I say I have a friend that's died, people brush it off because she's not a family member, and lots of people have a friend who died. I usually leave it at that. They don't need the whole story.

We met in Kindergarten. We were in the same class as our friend Liz, and the three of us lived in the same neighborhood; our parents still do. In Elementary school we were in Girl Scouts together. One time we taught our troop about personal hygiene, which is funny because she was known to wear the same jeans for months at a time!

In Middle School, we were in a play together and we both got exactly one line. Hers was so funny the audience missed mine through their laughter.

In High School the three of us did Tae Bo after school and made muffins to snack on afterward. So healthy! We had a group of friends that all went to different colleges but we stayed in touch through email. I visited her at UT and like any normal college kid, tried to get her to dance at a club. It didn't go very well.

She always mailed my birthday cards at least a week late. She loved the Smashing Pumkins, lectured me on wasting water, and was obsessed with oreos. She recycled before it was cool and wore those natural shirts with tigers on them that benefit rainforest conservation. She drove with her left foot, shoe off. She said she wanted a rug made of reycled plastic bottles. I thought that was strange.

Growing up, whenever I felt weird, I knew she was weirder- and didn't care! She was there for everything. We couldn't wait to get out of High School- we knew those were NOT the best days of our lives.

She was nice to everyone. How is it possible to be nice to everyone?! We used to giggle nonstop at sleepovers and kept everyone up. Her laugh would make me laugh, and we'd laugh at our laughter. She said she didn't want to get old.

My boyfriend proposed on my 23rd birthday, and she was one of the first people I called. I asked her to be a bridesmaid and was thrilled when she accepted. I graduated in December, proudly displaying my engagement ring in my pictures. Donna and Liz came up for my party and we celebrated all night.

The next morning, she pulled me aside and said she really liked Bean and she was so glad I was going to marry him. Have I mentioned she was basically against the institution of marriage?

After Graduation, I had no idea what I wanted to do, so I took a week off and went to London and Paris. I had been working part time at Flower Mound, and I knew I didn't want to quit, but I had a Journalism degree- what was the right path? I was thinking about the MTP program, but wanted to 'see the world' first.

We landed at DFW after a week abroad. When I turned my phone back on, I had a message from Liz asking if I was going to the hospital to see Donna, and a message from my friend Whitney asking me to call her. I called Bean, and the first words out of my mouth were, "What's wrong with Donna?"

Huge Sigh.

"She has cancer."
"I've got a bag packed and we're driving to Houston tonight."

I have no words to describe how I felt: frantic? trapped? crazed? shocked? I needed OFF that plane.

I called Whitney, and she gave me the details. She was diagnosed with Stage 4 colon cancer. There is no stage 5.

She was in the hospital and they were trying to figure out the best course of action. All of the girls would be there. Bean found out a few days prior, but didn't want to ruin my trip by telling me. He called my managers and asked for the weekend off. We drove all night and arrived at 3am. By that point I had been awake for almost 24 hours. We went to the hospital and kept our hopes up.

I went to visit when I could. Meanwhile, I started the MTP program at Grapevine in May. I regret not taking more time off but I was building my career. I was placed at Flower Mound after 4 weeks. I was thankful to be at a familiar place, but how could I lead my peers and friends when they knew about Donna's illness?

We tried on Bridesmaid dresses. She had a needle in her arm covered with a bandage. The sales lady asked what it was for. "It's for medicine. I have cancer." We laughed at how blunt she was an how the lady reacted.

She got really skinny. I asked if we should order a larger size for when she gained weight again and she said she planned to keep the weight off. We'd started having an annual Girls Weekend- the 2nd weekend in June- no questions asked. That year we decided to surprise Donna 2 weeks early.

We made shirts that said 'Team Donna- Fighting Cancer Best Friend Style'. We gave each other these friendship rings. I braided her hair. The nurses scolded us for laughing, and we played her favorite game- Catch Phrase.

Then Donna got us all in the room and told us she was going to miss us. The weight of it was unbearable.

*This is where I had a long pause, and a long swallow. But I didn't cry. I can't say my voice didn't crack several times while remembering all of this.

Two weeks later, on the 2nd weekend in June I had my car packed up for our 'real' Girls Weekend. I couldn't wait to see Donna and our friends again. That's the day I got the call. Just 3 months after her diagnosis, she died.

I couldn't function at the store, so my manager came in on his day off. I got a flight and was in Houston by noon. The next day was her viewing, and the day after that was the funeral. So much for a fun Girls Weekend!

For months I cried the entire 45 minute drive home. I was still planning my wedding and trying to learn my new job responsibilities. I put on a smile at the store but was a mess outside of it. I couldn't believe my wedding would be the first one without her.

Losing a friend I'd had for so long changed everything for me. Donna taught me that no matter what you are doing, you are making an impact.

She couldn't wait to quit her teaching job but, meeting her students at the funeral showed me she made a difference to those kids, even when she wasn't trying.

I hope what you all realize is we all make an impact every day. Don't underestimate the power of your words or actions.

I learned that all it takes to be a good friend is effort. Send a card. Go to lunch. Pick up the phone.

Your health comes first- if something feels wrong, get it checked out. She was in pain for months- when she finally went to a doctor and he found something suspicious, she wouldn't go back. When she finally did, it was too late. Don't be stubborn with your health!

Thanks for letting me tell you about Donna today. I hope my story shows you that life is about who you love and how you spend time with them. To wrap up, I wanted to share the best advice I ever got from my dad:

If you laugh at yourself first, then nobody can laugh at you, they can only laugh with you. Maybe you can keep your friends up all night laughing uncontrollably with you.

The end.

I got a few people to cry, which means it meant something to them. That's all I could ask for. The response was great, and although I know I don't have tons of new best friends from the experience, sometimes opening yourself up is a good thing.

Happy 27th birthday to my good friend. I'm having black tie mousse cake tonight.

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The Final Act

This weekend was the final Donna to Dusk concert. The first one was 5 years ago, just a couple of months after she died. They have always been on Sunday night, which is unfortunate for most people who have a job or live out of town- or both. I was only able to go last year and this year. Last year I didn't realize what a reunion it would be. It turned out to be lots of people from high school who remembered Donna or had her in classes I wasn't in.

This year I expected it to be a reunion, and I hoped to see more random people since it was the last concert. I didn't expect to have such an awkward encounter with my ex-boyfriend.

I met DW in middle school band- he played sax and I played clarinet and I sat next to his best friend. We developed crushes on each other when I was in 7th grade, and danced to Selena at the Christmas band dance that year. He had long-ish blonde hair and glasses. I had about the same haircut, plus glasses and braces. Everyone teased me for liking him. He's a year older, so my 8th grade year he was already in high school.

When I got to high school, we were still in band and realized we still liked each other. I'd ditched the glasses and got my braces off, he'd cut his hair and got rid of the glasses too. I asked him to Homecoming and our parents dropped us off at Fandango's for fajitas before the dance. I had to search all over town to find shoes that didn't have too high of a heel so I wouldn't be too tall compared to him.

Soon after we decided to be a couple. Our first kiss happened while we were watching Beauty and the Beast at my parents house- it was really not good- slimy with teeth- but I'd never kissed anyone so I didn't know what it was supposed to be like. Eventually we got better at that, and at writing notes that we'd pass between classes. We learned different ways to fold them so other people couldn't read them.

We did theatre together- I was a hot box dancer and he was a gambler in Guys & Dolls. We attempted to go to the Sadie Hawkins dance together in our matching black top/khaki bottom outfits. We planned to double with Donna and Kelly- our curly red headed friends who wore glasses- and ended up skipping the dance and going to dinner.

He gave me a heart necklace covered in fake diamonds that I insisted on wearing in my Glamour Shots pictures taken after I got those braces off. He's not the first boy who told me he loved me, but he was the first one that I believed. To me, there was no end in sight. I made him a mixed CD and hand made the booklet with the stamp markers in different shapes like stars or bugs.

Our relationship lasted about 9 months- the length of the school year. He broke up with me that summer, just after I gave him a calendar with pictures of me for every month- in different costumes, like an angel for Halloween/October, a sporty outfit, a wintery outfit, and I think even a bathing suit photo! I guess it wasn't going to work since I had them professionally print our anniversary every month on the wrong day!

I was pretty torn up about it, and I remember his reasoning. He asked if I thought we were going to get married, and I told him no. But deep down I thought it would be a great story- the middle school love turned married couple. I was in 9th grade! I wasn't thinking about marriage!

I didn't talk to him again.

And I still hadn't seen him in person until last night. He walked in and circled around while I was talking to a friend and tapped her on the shoulder, then acted surprised to see me standing there. Yeah right. He asked, 'So where's Mr. Bell?'

'Oh he has to work, since tomorrow's Monday and all'. Nerdy reply.

He had a girl with him, and at least I knew I won that competition.

Later in the night, we were saying goodbye to everyone and he and I started talking a little more like old times. The girl was glaring at me. I brought up the Sadie Hawkins dance thing, then we laughed about his old haircut. She kept glaring. We were going to get somethig to eat, and I threw out the option for DW and the glaring girl to come with us and they accepted. I was not interested in hanging out any longer, especially if she was going to keep trying to burn a hole in my head with her death stare. I asked how they met, thinking she would let up if I asked about her. She said they've known each other for about 10 years, and just recently went on a couple of dates. In fact, this was about their 3rd or 4th date.

At dinner, I realized how weird he is and how much I didn't want to talk to him. He made one particularly disgusting comment and I remembered how he smacked his mouth while licking his fingers and that was my biggest pet peeve.

I'm glad to have seen him. He proved that Bean is the cutest boy I've ever dated and I'm so glad I married him. We tend to look at the past with rose colored glasses- what if we had met up in college and realized we were supposed to be together- the romatic movie theory. It just proves that there's a plan for all of us and we can't try to figure out what it is. It's also nice to know you made the right decision.

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Happy Birthday Donna!

Just like last year, we had Black Tie Mousse Cake to celebrate your birthday. You introduced me to this amazing dessert early in High School, I think. You said, "We HAVE to get Black Tie Mousse Cake. It's SOOO good." When it came out, you said, "Since it was my idea, I get the first bite from the front. That chocolate on top is gross so I'm taking it off. You can have the chocolate chips on the back, if you want them, but I don't like them so I usually don't eat them."

So many instructions on how to eat a dessert! But I appreciated you being my Black Tie Mousse Cake Ambassador. You really showed me the ins and outs of eating it. I still like the chocolate chips on the back, and I still do not like the chocolate on top.

Since I couldn't send you a birthday card this year, I decided I could channel you in another way. To dinner, I wore my hair up in a bun; no makeup; Mental Floss T-shirt (it was dirty too, I'd worn it once before); jeans that haven't been washed in at least a month, and flip flops. And I have freckles like you, just not as many. If I were going to send you a card, it would be something gross from Spencer's with a huge lady in lingerie, or something with cartoon line drawings and a clever saying. You were always my favorite to shop for cards for, because I could get you anything and you wouldn't be offended.

I REALLY miss you, and I'm sorry I missed your concert. I wish we could have one more sleepover, all piled up in one bed. And you were right, Bean is a really good guy. I'm so thankful that you and he had a connection because he helps me feel close to you- I think he really understood you. Happy 'Magic' Birthday! Mine is this year too, so I'll be thinking of you when it comes up, wishing I was getting a card from you too.

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Everyone says time makes it easier to get over losing someone, and they're probably right. But it doesn't ever go away. I'm pretty good about telling people about her, and what she went through, and what we went through together. But I'm really not good at not missing her. I still want to call her sometimes, because I know she could make me feel better about whatever stupid thing I'm worrying about. Or at least she would listen without judging.

A lot of times I pretend that she's just living in Houston, and since I'm not there, that's why I haven't seen her in awhile. But I know it's a lie.

I wish I could be as good of a person as she was, but I don't think I will ever be. It makes me want to raise a daughter as loving and generous as she was. At the hospital, she told us girls that she would miss us, but she had no idea...absolutely no idea how living without her would make us feel. I heard a quote the other day: It's easier to be the one leaving than the one left behind.

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The last place she was herself...

Thanks to my lovely cousin who programmed my DVR to record Army Wives each week, I have now become addicted to the show. It's like Oprah- you almost always end up crying. In the season premiere, a suicide bomber walked into a popular hangout/bar in town and blew himself up, killing several civilians, one of which was a high-ranking officer's daughter.

Since it's called Army Wives, of course it follows the women, and each week there's been something heartwrenching with the mother of that particular girl. How she's dealing with her grief, how she interacts with her other daughter, and her using her experience to help other people in the same situation.

Last night, the bar that was bombed re-opened, and her struggle was whether or not to go to the grand opening. She had a conversation with a man who lost his son in Iraq, and he said he wanted to go there, so that he could stand in the last place that his son was himself. Her daughter begged her to go to the grand opening and she finally gave in. Just seeing their reactions to walking in that place for the first time brought up a lot of emotions for me.

On the 4th of July, we made the trip down to the bay; it was Bean's first time, and I hadn't been for the 4th in several years. But the last time I was at the bay, Donna was very sick. It was the worst I'd seen her. She just sat in a chair and couldn't move or she would throw up. We tried for hours to get her to eat, but every time she did, she would throw it up. Finally we got her to eat some canned peaches, cut really small like baby food.

Later that day, we played some card game and she beat all of us. I remember her smiling because we teased her about knowing all of the tricks and we had no chance of winning. That's also when we saw the banner that her students had drawn for her and one kid wrote, "Cancer is a douche-bag!" and drew a panda underneath.

On our drive down this year, as I started to recognize the roads, I kept picturing her there on the lawn with everyone else. I was nervous because I didn't know if I would know many people there, and reassured myself that I would find her and it would be ok. Then I remembered.

The whole time we were there, I pictured her in the little screened-in area with the desserts, sitting on a chair outside, swinging in the hammocks on the pier, driving that little boat around, wearing her black one-piece bathing suit, those pink and green speckled glasses, sitting on the huge rocks as a kid and talking girl talk, those huge t-shirts made of recycled cotton, shooting fireworks on the lawn with the guys, playing bartender as kids but not drinking anything, sleeping on the twin beds all in one room, swimming in the brown water, and screaming insanely while playing Catch Phrase. I'd never been to that place without her.

Then I thought about what other places I have left to visit that I'd been with her. I've already been to her house, when we went for Christmas brunch with her mom. I've already been on the streets of Houston where we went bridesmaid dress shopping, already seen all of the places like Donut World and the high school, and even just our neighborhood.

The only place left is Austin. Specifically Amy's Icecream. Both times I visited her in Austin during school we went there. She introduced me to it. What's interesting about Amy's is that the last time I saw her in Austin, we stopped at Amy's to get icecream, because we got in a little earlier than I told her we would be. When we walked in, I felt guilty for not calling her because I knew she was always up for icecream. So I took out my phone and as it started ringing, the girl in front of me in line took out her phone. It was her!! We'd been standing behind her in line for several minutes and had no idea! I told myself I should have just looked at the back of her leg and if I saw her birthmark, I would have known.

I'm hoping to save my first visit to Amy's for awhile. I have so many fun memories of that city with Donna that I don't want to use them up just yet.

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It's a Girl! (but we already knew that) PART II

We recently found out that Clinton and Kayla are having a little girl! We already knew that because last time we saw them, Kayla referred to the baby as 'her', and said they had a girl name picked out but hadn't decided on a boy name. They were hoping for a boy, but I'm sure that will all change when they finally get to meet little Emma Lee.

After our most recent showing (this morning), we found out that the buyer is considering our house and another house with the same floor plan. Our house has better interior and exterior paint colors- the exterior is important because the HOA is really strict and it can't be changed; and tile floors instead of laminate. Ours is priced about $1100 above the other one, but luckily that one also has a one-car garage, which so far has been our only drawback.

The negative is that the buyer is allergic to cats. I vaccummed this morning and we swept and mopped last night, but the buyer still thinks our carpet needs to be replaced. It is in good condition, but I guess since it's impossible to get out pet dander, they will want it cleaned. We are more than willing to have it professionally cleaned (in fact, we'd planned on doing that anyway, as a gift to whoever the buyer is), but now we can include that in the contract- maybe even just give them an allowance and let them take care of it.

So we need good vibes now. Let's all imagine an offer coming in sometime this week. :)
My weekends are packed solid through August, and although it's great to have stuff to look forward to, part of me wishes I didn't have to work so much on the weekends so I could just relax and spend time with friends doing spur-of-the-moment things. Luckily I have this weekend off and no plans. Then the weekend after that is Girls Weekend and the one-year anniversary of Donna's death.

I think I spend a lot of time ignoring my feelings about different things, so that I won't feel sad or hurt. But it also prevents me from feeling truly happy. The other day I was driving home from work, thinking about who I could call to keep me company on the drive home. Everyone I thought of I'd talked to within the past couple of days or week. Then I thought, this would be a perfect time for Donna and I to practice our phone dates. The ones that we planned to get better at, and had precisely one of...before she got sick. After that, it was too hard to talk on the phone.

I did some research for my future tattoo this morning. Right now my plan is to get a quote or something sweet tattooed in Donna's handwriting on my foot/ankle area. So far, I have a short quote "Thanks for being such a great friend" which is ok, but not really my first choice. The other option is much longer "I cannot wait to see all the wonderful things that your new life is about to bring you". I need to look in old yearbooks too, but they're packed up in the attic. I like the longer quote more, but I'm worried about having it so small that you can't read it, and that by having it bigger it will turn into something un-feminine and not pretty. To me, it means that even though she's not here, she will still see what happens to me. And when she wrote it, she was referring to graduation and marriage, and the future, and knowing that she would be there for all of it.

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Team Donna

Today is my day off, and for some reason I haven't left the house to do anything. At some point today I need to go pick up my prescription and drop off my second bonus check at the bank. I don't even have to really get dressed because I can do both at a drive-through. And because of that, I don't even want to leave the house.

So far, I've watched TV for approximately 2 hours, eaten 4 oreos, 2 waffles, and a banana, looked up my and S.'s FICO scores, and did our tax return online for the sole purpose of finding out how much we would get if we file jointly. I also looked up both of our credit reports on the 3 reporting agencies. It's good to know where we stand financially, especially when we'll be looking at getting a different house soon. I also signed myself up for the SCOPE walk/run.

It's the 3rd annual event for raising awareness for Colorectal cancer. We have Team Donna in place and we've already reached the goal of 50 people on our team. The new goal is 75 people, but I like to think of 100 people. We have shirts being made and of course us girls will wear the original shirts. Mr. Martine will be grilling after the event and we will carry a banner and noisemakers so that everyone knows who we are! If you're living in Houston or want to make the trip, here's more information:

https://www.signmeup.com/site/reg/register.aspx?fid=0Y2VDK7

Pass it on to everyone you know! As a side note, Liz and Donna did the run together for fun one year, and it was the first annual. Who knew that just 2 years later we'd be gathering the largest team ever in memory of Donna?

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Thoughts from hy hour drive home...

My drive home from work either involves talking on the phone or thinking, and sometimes crying; always while listening to music. The crying part sounds creepy, but it's usually because a song will remind me of Donna. It's not as bad now, but before the wedding it was at least once a week, if not more; and if not about Donna, it was about the wedding. It's funny how one song lyric can set your thoughts off in a million directions- from, "This reminds me of her" to "I miss her" to "Why is my wedding the first one she'll miss?" Which inevitably sets off a crying jag that lasts until I pull into the driveway. Then I walk in with red, swollen eyes, and S. just looks at me and says, "Is it Donna?" Luckily, all I have to do is nod. He doesn't need to know the details, and he's learned to just give me a hug- instead of staring at me hopelessly like he used to do.

Today I listened to our wedding CD, and I got to thinking about a vow renewal. And I started planning it for November 2012. That will be our 5-year anniversary. I decided that if we can, we'll have it in a backyard at midday. We'll put the chairs in a circle, with two aisles coming from either side. We'll have one song that we'll walk in to simultaneously from the two aisles. Then we'll be in the middle and whomever officiates will say a few words, then maybe we'll say our original vows again, and maybe some other words about the past 5 years. I'll wear a long dress (not sure what color), and I might even be pregnant. I'll carry some simple flowers, maybe ones that we picked up at the grocery store earlier in the day. The important part is expressing our vows.

Then we'll have a party and serve tapas (what we ate the night we got engaged) and have hookahs to smoke (what we did the night we started our 'real' relationship). Or we could just use the hookahs as decoration and have an Indian/Spanish themed party. The only problem I see is getting people to come. I mean, why would they want to come and see us renew our vows? It's got to be boring to everyone except us. At least I have a project to work on for the next 4 years and 9 months.

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