Francie Rose Birth Story

Nine days ago we welcomed our second baby girl into the world! We are enamored with her.

The last couple of weeks before the birth were pretty stressful. Big sister was testing her limits on just about everything and I was feeling very tired and irritable. 

I had my 39 week appointment on a Monday; I was actually 39+2 and hoping to birth within that week. Every date that week was a palindrome which I remember learning about in 4th grade and loving ever since. That week also had the anniversary of Donna's death and Father's Day.

Kathleen checked me and I was 1-2" dilated and 80% effaced, baby was at a -1 station. A little progress but not much. She mentioned that baby was posterior (face up) which can make for a longer/more difficult labor. 

That Wednesday (the 9th anniversary of Donna's death, my first choice day to birth if the baby was going to be a girl), I went to my chiropractor for another adjustment to make sure my hips were ready to go. That evening around 8pm I started having some mild-medium contractions that felt like something was in the early stages. My mom and I took a walk around the block and I had to stop a few times because I could tell the baby moved lower. Nothing I could time but I could tell something was starting. I tried to relax and went I bed but couldn't sleep through the contractions. 

My husband leaves for work around 1:30 in the morning and when he woke up I told him what was happening. He left for work and soon after the contractions fizzled out and I fell asleep on the couch. I was disappointed when I woke up and realized nothing was happening anymore.

The next couple of days we just took care of things around the house and on Friday Abby had an epic in-public tantrum that lasted for a full hour and a half and resulted in Abby missing her ballet class and me spanking her in public. It was one of the worst times in my life as a parent.

The next day, Saturday- my due date, I went to yoga. I'd been jumping around doing drop in classes because school was out and I couldn't go to my regular Tuesday middle of the day class. I loved being there and going through the familiar routine. At the end, when Mimi had us tell baby "You are loved, you are wanted, you are safe", I started to cry. 

We wanted this baby so much and we felt really grateful to be pregnant and to have it be so healthy following 2 miscarriages, and with my parenting meltdown the day before I knew that baby was safest in my belly, where I wouldn't make any mistakes. I was also thinking about two friends whose babies were born so early and are (still) currently fighting for their lives. Mimi sat with me and encouraged me to let it all out. 

That evening during a superstitious repeat date night to Buffalo Wild Wings (we ate the same things, played the same trivia game, and discussed baby names again, just like the night before Abby was born), I had another round of mild contractions that fizzled out after about 5 hours. Luckily I was able to get more sleep that time. 

Sunday (Fathers Day- the day I had in my mind as the day baby would arrive), I woke up and had breakfast and decided I would not lay back on the couch all day. I would relax in a backward chair to encourage baby into a good position, I would belly dance, walk, and sit on the exercise ball. 

Bean took Abby to the movies and mom and I went out for a long walk. We stayed out for about an hour and stopped a couple of times to rest. I could tell something was starting again when we got home. I sat in my backward chair and watched Orange is the New Black and relaxed. I called my dad to chat and I think he could tell with my breathing that something was happening. Around lunchtime, I realized that it had fizzled out again. I was starting to think I couldn't trust my body at all. I've always been very in tune with what's happening but with all of the starting and stopping I was starting to lose hope.

Bean and Abby came back and during her nap he and I took a short walk, then a shower, and some quick adult time as a last ditch effort for the day. I was giving up after that- at least for the day! I had an appointment the next day anyway and planned to have my membranes stripped which worked to get Abby to come out.

We had dinner with my in laws and I felt fine. I did notice some spotting/show but assumed it was just from the activity earlier. We came home and put Abby to bed but she continued pushing her limits and was playing in her room instead of sleeping. I laid down to watch another OITNB and noticed 3 mild contractions with a noticeable wave pattern during that hour. 

I was tired so we went to bed around 9pm. I could not get comfortable but thought I was just too tired. Abby finally stopped making noise around 10pm and I realized I was having some pretty strong sensations. I was breathing and humming through them and Bean was snoring next to me. Haha!

At about the same moment that I thought to myself, "This reminds me of my miscarriage" (which I passed naturally at home after 4 hours of labor while my husband and mom slept- I didn't want to wake them because I didn't know how long it would last), I realized I needed to use the restroom. Everything cleared out and I thought, "This reminds me of early labor with Abby."

Bean woke up and I told him we needed to try and time things, just to see. We timed about 3 contractions and I thought I was going to vomit. I was also trembling pretty bad in between. I relaxed my body but couldn't stop shaking. 

He texted my mom and asked her to come downstairs and also texted his mom to drive over and stay with Abby. When we realized the contractions we had timed were 4 minutes apart and about 1 min long I called my midwife, Kathleen. It was 10:30 pm. She told me to wait two hours and call back. As she was saying it I knew I wouldn't make it that long. She had been sleeping because she'd been at two overnight births the past two nights. I'm sure the last thing she wanted was another long night!

I laid back down as my mom and mother in law came into the room, and mom held the trash can and my hair while I vomited. A lot.

She told Bean to call Kathleen back and tell her we were on our way. Did I mention she's a Labor & Delivery nurse? She said she was afraid I would have the baby at home or on the side of the road if we didn't hurry.

We grabbed everything and I walked as fast as I could in between contractions. The drive was calm and everything looked bright. We got to the birth center around 11:15pm.

This was my favorite part: I relaxed in the warm water in the tub, just floating and listening to Leon Bridges. The room was dim with only a couple of lamps on. We heard my favorite song 'Coming Home' and I sang along to another song that uses the word 'Jezebels'. I also used birthing breaths, and I would use my voice along with the wave of the contraction. It felt great.

Kathleen was checking my blood pressure and baby's heartbeat and after awhile she was ready to check my dilation. She said I was 9.5 cm with an anterior lip that she could move out of the way. "You can push if you want!"

Bean says he knew I wouldn't push because I just kept relaxing. This is when things changed, like a switch flipped. 

I know now that I was scared. Pushing scares me- it's the loss of control, the intense pressure that doesn't let up at all, and the intrinsic knowledge that your life is changing completely in that moment. With both births I felt like I was being asked to do something I wasn't ready for. I wanted to feel the sensation of my body instinctively pushing and I wanted to go along with it. I haven't had that instinctive feeling.

So the next events felt like they took a half an hour, and I still feel embarrassed about losing my composure. I felt like a wild animal trying to escape. 

I went from relaxing in the tub, to squatting in the water, to trying to get out of the tub but I couldn't move so I had all 4 people- my husband, midwife, mom, and midwifes assistant physically moving each of my limbs to get me out of the tub. Meanwhile I'm screaming and wailing and saying "I need it to slow down!" 

I asked to lean against the bed while standing- I had imagined myself squatting and holding onto something to push but there wasn't anything to hold onto. My legs were locked, my midwife is trying to make me squat down at least a little bit, and I'm yelling, "I think I'm dying!" And everyone's response is- "no, you're not, it's just a lot of pressure- keep going!" My midwife was using her forearms and body weight to put a lot of pressure on my low back which helped a lot in getting me to focus on something other than the intensity of what was happening.

My water breaks at this point, which felt like a huge release, and I screamed out "We did it!" and everyone says, "That was your water, you are almost done!"

Side note- I have a fantasy of giving birth to a baby en caul (inside the water bag) because it's so rare.

This is the point where mentally and spiritually I crossed a line where I wasn't conscious of what was actually happening. I knew I was pushing and it was so intense and I think this is what people talk about when they say that mothers have to cross over close to the other side to bring a new life into the world.

Then my midwife says, "Reach down and pick up your baby!" 

"What?!" I said.

"Reach down and pick up your baby!"

I looked down between my legs and my baby looked like it was hanging upside down in midair- surely someone was holding it up! So I picked it up and said again, "We did it! We don't even know who this baby is but we did it!" (We were waiting to find out the gender until the birth).

They got me on the bed and covered me and the baby with blankets and I felt so relieved. Bean told me that the entire process from getting me out of the tub until the baby was out was literally 3-5 minutes- he had checked the clock! I was shocked to hear that!

We were ready to see who the baby was, so I lifted it up and the cord was hanging between the legs. Bean moved it out of the way, we all took a minute to process it and he said, "It's a girl!" 

He and I were surprised because this pregnancy had been very different from my first one and I assumed it had to do with baby's gender being different. Plus Chinese Gender Predictor and baby's heart rate both said Boy- and both of those were right in guessing Abby's gender.

I didn't remember the uterine massage from my first birth (ouch), the placenta slid out easily, after the cord stopped pulsing Bean cut it. We took a good look at the placenta this time and it was pretty interesting! Baby was nursing in no time and we spent about 2.5 hours hanging out, nursing, and getting cleaned up. She pooped all over me and we didn't realize it until they went to weigh her and do her measurements. So gross and funny- we even took a picture! (I won't share that one). We got home around 3:30am!

Francine Rose Bell "Francie"

Born 6-20-16 at 12:30am

7lbs 14 oz, 21" long

13.5" head

Almost exactly the same size as big sister- one ounce bigger, one inch longer and head half an inch smaller. No tearing this time! 

I'm still in awe that the whole process was 2 hours from the first call until she was out. I said so many times, "I can't believe we just did this!"

She's named after Beans grandmother (Frances) and the main character in my favorite book A Tree Grows in Brooklyn- Francie. 

And Rose is for my friend Donna who was completely obsessed with the movie Titanic when it came out. We saw it the day it opened (we were in 8th grade); she paid someone a couple hundred dollars to paint a portrait of the ship to hang in her room; and when Titanic came back to the theatres in 3D I went and saw it on Donna's birthday in her honor and realized that she identified with the character of Rose. Bean and I agree that she's one of the coolest people we've ever known.

Around 7am big sister woke up and when she came into our bedroom she saw me nursing baby sister. "Is the baby here?" she asked. I told her yes and said, "Guess what? It's a sister, just like you wanted!" and she was so excited. 

She's done amazing with the transition. She asks to hold sister multiple times a day, and makes comments like, "We are a family!" and "There are four of us. One, two, three, four!" and "We are in love with each other!" 

I'm more relaxed this time around- I know that holding the baby around the clock isn't going to cause any problems and I can start helping her learn to sleep in her bassinet whenever I'm ready. I also trust other people to take care of her (aside from nursing obviously), and I'm not anxiously watching the clock for her next feed. I love the confidence I have as a second time mom, and not having postpartum depression helps a lot.

We will have to see how it goes next week when it's just me at home with my two girls all week!

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39 Weeks: Old Wives Tales for Gender Prediction

I am legitimately stumped on the gender of this baby. I wish I could say I have a strong gut instinct but I just don't, so I thought I would try and sort it out by listing old wives tales- what they are predicting this time around and if they were correct in predicting my first girl.

I'm 1-2cm dilated and 80% effaced as of this morning so it's anyone's guess as to when the baby will get here. We set up a 40 week appointment next week so if we don't have a baby by then I hope she will help things along!

Here's the list! * indicates the old wives tale correctly predicted my girl

1. Chinese Gender Predictor: Boy*

2. Mother has a dream: Boy*

(My dream about Abby was very realistic; this dream was a little more abstract)

3. Mother's intuition: inconclusive*

4. Ease in deciding names: inconclusive* (both 3 and 4 were strong indicators for our girl which frustrates me this time around)

5. Belly shape/carrying high: Girl

(Lots of people tell me it's a Boy belly but I also heard that with Abby)

6. Baking soda test: Girl

7. Nonexistent or crooked Linea Negra: Girl*

8. Acne/bad skin: Girl* (a lady at a sushi restaurant told me bad skin means Boy?)

9. Dry skin: Boy

10. Baby heart rate in 130's: Boy*

11. Only weight gain in belly: Boy*

12. Warm/not cold feet: Girl

13. "You look pretty" comments: Boy* (I was always told I looked tired with Abby)

14. Clumsy: Boy

15. Dad weight gain: Girl*

16. Fingernails/Toenails grow fast: Boy

17. Leg hair growing slower: Girl

18. Craving slushies/Fruit: Girl*

19. Mayan Gender Prediction: inconclusive because it was within a day or two of my birthday 😁

20. Toddler prediction: Girl

So it's 8 for Boy (5 that are weighted because of their prediction being correct with Abby) and 9 for Girl (3 weighted). 3 inconclusive, two of which were very strong indicators for our girl. Hmmm...

Either way I can't wait to meet this baby!

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36 Weeks...almost 37!

Hi Baby-
I sure can't wait to meet you! We are all set up on weekly appointments from the one we had this morning until you arrive. I can't believe it! We've just been floating along, no stress. I keep forgetting that I will go into labor and need to be strong for that. Hopefully that's a good thing. Don't worry, you have a clean carseat for your first ride home, a clean bassinet to sleep in, and clean clothes and diapers to wear.

I'm starting to feel tired and sometimes irritable with your sister. But its only because she's the main person I'm around all day. I'm sure if I were around other people more they would annoy me too. She keeps saying you are a sister, and our midwife has been calling you a girl the past few appointments too, even though your heart rate is always in the 130's and people have told me I look pretty several times (that never happened when I was pregnant with your sister). I do have zits though and always want sweets. I need to do the baking soda test so we can see if that's right!

We are working our way through my page-long to do list for before your arrival. I also have an urge to clean all the time but yesterday I vacuumed one bedroom and was achy and irritable until I laid down for a nap several hours later. Looks like I need to start trying to take it easy! I'm currently skipping vacuuming the main living areas and steam mopping the tile floors in favor of writing this while cooking soup from scratch for dinner- that counts as a valid task, right? We will have plenty to freeze!

I know your dad would be excited for you to be a boy, and I would love the challenge of finding cool clothes for you if you are, but I also love the idea that you are a sister. We are tossing around names and are pretty close on both a boy and a girl name, so I think that adds to my feeling ambiguous on what I really think you are. With your sister we could never agree on a boy name but had 2 girl names ready to go!

I had an emotional week around the 34 week mark. I think I had some repressed emotions related to your Aunt Liz that I hadn't fully faced and remembering what I was like the last time I was 34 weeks pregnant- extremely swollen head to toe, quite a bit more weight gained, and standing up in front of a crowd speaking at her funeral- just brought the sadness back in a way I hadn't anticipated. I knew I would acknowledge it, but I didn't know it would affect me on such a visceral level for a week in advance, culminating on the day before I turned 34 weeks with a long emotional outburst. It's embarrassing to admit it but it's the truth. I started feeling better the next day after I let myself feel it all and just walked through it.

I think that's why I keep forgetting I will go into labor. Last time I was this pregnant I laid on the couch all day long, with the TV on, in a daze, not watching, but not sleeping, or looking around, like a zombie. This time around I'm doing all of the usual things and feeling healthy, just more tired. I'll keep reminding myself that feeling healthy is good and that I will still go into labor even if I'm not feeling super terrible in the month and a half leading up to it.

Moments that are calm, where we are just enjoying ourselves are the moments I try to soak up as much as possible. We are about to have a new life with you and I'm excited about it, but it's unknown right now.

This past week I helped host a baby shower for your Aunt Maggie and a couple of hours later went to a funeral house party for your Aunt Rachel's dad. Life and Death just go together.

We've been listening to a lot of Macklemore, and you seem to like the song 'Kevin' and your sister laughs at a couple of parts in different songs.

I am looking forward to being able to move around more easily and pick things up off the floor. Which also means I will get to see your sweet face!

Until then, here are a few more of our family pictures that I love. It's hard to choose just a few!

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32 Weeks

I don't even know where to start!

First of all, I really need a nap. Both of my sleeps today have been interrupted by your sweet sister.

I can't believe we are (hopefully) less than 8 weeks away from meeting you. Your nursery is filled with random items. It needs to be touched up, have the crib put together, and toys organized. Your sister's room still needs curtains which I have very lazily ordered samples for but that's all. The guest room needs blinds and art hung on the wall. The hallway needs to be painted. And we started cleaning out the garage- which means throwing out stuff and also putting in new shelving and organization. 

We need to wash your carseat, set up the bassinet, and make freezer meals. We need to fertilize the yard. We need to make a plan for what happens with your sister when you are ready to come. We need to maybe take a refresher course in birthing (your dad wants one). We need to think of a name for you!

All of this and we are not stressed at all. This weekend marks the first empty weekend we've had in months- and they are all empty until you arrive! We don't want to plan anything, we don't want to have to be anywhere. We want to hang out as a family and relax and do projects and do something fun and relaxing and spontaneous- that we choose!

I've been so bogged down with appointments. During sister's 10 hours at school each week, 2 hours goes to yoga, 1.5 hours goes to a massage, and about 6 hours goes to work. It's all great, but I would love some free time! I'm trying to use up my massages so we can cancel the membership. I'm about to start going weekly just to try and use up more of them before you get here because I know it will be awhile after. I haven't even started going to the chiropractor. Next week I see the midwife, then two weeks later I see her again, and then two weeks after that I start weekly appointments until you arrive. Already!!

Every afternoon, sister watches TV while I lay on the couch. Especially on days like today where I wake up tired in the morning. On days like yesterday, where I have some energy, I do a couple of chores to break up the rest time. The house is staying clean, the laundry is done, and I'm hopeless with dinner. If I made what I want to eat, nobody else would eat it, and I don't want to waste my time and have to listen to complaining from a very strong little lady that lives here. 

I have loved almost every moment of having you with me. Of course it was stressful in the beginning, but as that melted away, I've been so grateful- and feeling so good- that I'm just so glad I get to go through this process with you. I can't wait to see your face and hold you in my arms and give you a name. I can't wait to experience your birth. How lucky am I that I get to birth you? 

Today I was driving and listening to some music and I thought of your Aunt Donna and for the first time in a long time, I really missed her. Several years ago, I came to peace with her death and was truly happy for her to be relieved of her pain. I knew she was doing well because of a dream I had while we were in Peru. 

Today, I wanted to call and tell her about the music I was listening to because she would understand why I was getting goosebumps while listening to something meaningful. She was seriously the coolest person I've known. Your due date is one day after the 9th anniversary of her death. I wonder who she would be today. She never wanted to grow old, she didn't want to get married, and she never did either of those things. 

It's kind of like wondering who you will be. 

There are endless possibilities. None of it has anything to do with your gender or how you look, but what you love. Watching you grow will be the icing on this cake. 

You keep making me want to eat chocolate chip cookies. Basically every time I see one, I want to eat it. I'm starting to have a hard time getting out of bed, so I'm doing the big roll to get up. No swelling yet which is a definite improvement over my pregnancy with your sister. I'm approaching the 34 week mark, which is how pregnant I was when your Aunt Liz died so I'm apprehensive about that. Also 36 weeks because of what happened to her. I have so many questions to ask her about how she was feeling, so I can convince myself nothing will happen to me. I don't think it will, but it has crossed my mind. 

I still think maternity clothes are ugly. I only wear tank tops with a regular sweater and jeans. The jeans are maternity, the tank tops are sometimes, and the sweaters are not. I have a pair of jean shorts to put in rotation, but first I have to figure out how to shave!

I can't wait to eat ceviche with a cold glass of wine. I'm also looking forward to a good margarita and a strawberry martini from Cheesecake Factory. 

And holding you. And nursing you. And snuggling you. And soaking it all in. 

The newborn stage may not be easy, but I can't imagine it being any harder than it was with your sister. At least I know what to expect. 

Four years ago, I never imagined my life could be this sweet. They've been the hardest and saddest years and also the most awe inspiring. Just beautiful.

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Flashback Friday: 18 Weeks

The day I turned 18 weeks with this rainbow baby is a day I will never forget. I had tickets to see one of my favorite artists, Macklemore and Ryan Lewis, in Houston. 

When I purchased the tickets (on pre sale, no less!), I had 3 friends in mind that would enjoy the show. It turned out to be the same weekend as one of the friends' bachelor party so all 3 of them were in New Orleans for the weekend. I could have seen them about an hour North in Oklahoma but Houston is a great hip hop city and I knew the crowd would be better.

I ended up making plans with an old friend from growing up. I've known her since elementary school, when we were in Girl Scouts together, we had all of our GT classes together throughout high school, and then lost touch during college. Post college I would look her up on Facebook and never found her, until she showed up there one day and then came to the SCOPE Walk last March. Essentially, I made plans to go to the concert with a stranger.

A couple of weeks before, we confirmed that we both still planned to go but didn't make any concrete plans until the day of.

I couldn't sleep the night before because I was worried about (in no particular order): 

1. Standing up the entire time- what if I got too hot? What if I passed out? What if there was a fight in the crowd? What if I got claustrophobic for some reason? What if there were people smoking and I couldn't get away?.... 

2. Getting to the venue- where is it located? What's the parking situation? Who drives? Are we having dinner first?.... 

3. Will it be awkward? Will she be weirded out that I'm pregnant and she didn't know? Will she drink a lot and what will I do then? Will I be up all night because everyone knows that the headliner doesn't go on until 1-2 hours after the opener?

So I sent her a Facebook message at 8am the day of the concert letting her know I was leaving in an hour and gave her my number to call me whenever she could to iron out the details. 

My plan was to drive in, have a fancy 'ladies who lunch' lunch with my mom (and surprise her by paying for the whole thing), meet up with my friend for dinner before the concert, and then drive home the next morning. Shoutout to my awesome Bean who suggested this plan and has no problem when I need to do crazy things like drive 4 hours away for one night.

Bean, Abs and I had a delicious breakfast of donuts- very rare. As I was leaving I noticed my gas gauge was at a quarter tank. I decided to drive until I couldn't anymore and use it as an excuse to get out and walk around. For the record, I can drive to and from Houston on 3/4 tank. If I fill it up, I can get around town while I'm there.

Two hours into the drive- exactly halfway- my gas light turns on and as soon as I pull off to get gas I realize...

I LEFT MY PURSE AT HOME.

With my wallet. Money, credit cards, and drivers license too. 

Also I drive fast. And the cops on 45 have snagged me more than once. That's rebellious right there- driving fast without a license. But I have never in my life been so absent minded as to leave my purse at home.

I tried not to panic and pulled into a gas station. I couldn't get anywhere else without gas. I did have my phone luckily, so I called Bean who calmly suggested that I go inside and ask if I can buy gas with a credit card over the phone. 

Understandably, I was told no- it's a big security issue. So I went back to my car and called my mom to let her know what was going on. Bean was at the office so it would have taken him 2.5 hours to get to me with my purse. As I was filling mom in, I heard a tap at my window.

😳

I'm pregnant and all alone, so many scary things could happen at this point.

I get out and there's a guy not much older than me wearing hunting clothes. 

"Hey, I'll get you some gas," he says.

I was stunned and have never felt so humbled and grateful and... Base. That's the only word I can think of to describe it.

He asked how much gas I had, and I told him the light was on. He asked where I was going and I told him I was halfway to my destination. 

I joked about how luckily it's a small tank and gets good mileage. Meanwhile, he's putting in his credit card info and setting me up to get the gas pumping. He tells me to fill it up and before I could shake his hand or get his name, he walks off saying, "Be safe! Have a great day!"

I only put in $20, which is about 3/4 of a tank. I figured that was more than generous. The lady who worked there came out and asked if he paid for my gas, then told me he was a regular and overheard me asking to pay over the phone. I asked her to please tell him thank you again from me.

I felt so relieved. So I can either go home to get my purse and skip the concert, or head down to Houston and potentially still miss it. But this friend is meeting me there and I have her ticket (along with mine) lovingly folded and placed in my bag between layers of clothes. But I have no ID or money for dinner.

Bean to the rescue again! He tells me to call him when I'm at my moms so we can figure out the closest place he can wire some money to her because you have to have an ID to have money wired to you.

And he texts me the phone number to the concert venue so I can ask what I need to gain entry into the concert.

I continue down the road and about half an hour later the venue opens. I called and asked if I had to have an ID to get in.

He tells me I don't need it to get in, only to buy alcohol. I joke that I'm pregnant so that's not a problem and he doesn't think it's funny. He made sure to ask if I already had my tickets (if they were Will-Call, I would have needed an ID), and I described how they were lovingly placed in my bag. He still didn't think it was funny.

The rest of the drive was uneventful. I laughed at myself, only because the situation had mostly resolved, and I couldn't believe how absent minded it was to leave my purse at home. I called a friend and she was in sheer disbelief at the fact that I was going to the concert with this old friend AND that I had left my purse at home. What a rebel!

Bean called when I was almost there and asked if I could just borrow some cash from mom and pay her back. He'd discovered that it cost $50 to wire any amount up to $2k. He was only planning to send me $100 to get through the night! Clearly not worth it.

So mom and I went for a fancy lunch, and bought some shoes, both of which she paid for. Then she got some cash and we relaxed at her house until it was time for us to leave. 

My friend ended up driving, but we had both had big lunches with our moms so we skipped dinner. We stopped by Starbucks for some caffeine and cake pops before heading downtown. Getting to the venue was super simple. We chatted easily the whole way there. Parking was a breeze and we were in line to get in around 7:30.

At one point, an employee went up and down the line telling everyone to get out their IDs. We looked at each other and I had a flash of panic. What if....?? 

Turns out they were just trying to get them checked early for people buying alcohol to get wrist bands and keep the crowd moving.

Once we got inside, we got comfortable in our spots and waited. The crowd surged forward at one point- there was a fight behind us- but my friend is in the Army so she knows about protection. She moved me in front of her and then told the dancing people I front of us if they were going to fall, to fall forward because I'm pregnant. A little strange, but it worked!

The opener went on at 8, played for 30 minutes, and was good. Then when he was done, the show started!

That arrow is about where we were. You can see Macklemore on the stage to the right. It didn't seem like there were that many people behind us or around us. It just felt exciting.

The two straight hours they played made me forget all about everything that had happened that day, and I was completely in the moment I was in- like doing yoga. It's a gift to feel so present in the moment.

My highlights included his acapella version of Otherside, and when he did Growing Up, everyone that had had their phones up recording the song before put them down, so I was able to see really well. I almost cried, it was so emotional being there with my baby.

I got some confetti during Irish Celebration and the crowd surged forward again during the last song- it was cool and didn't feel dangerous, but as soon as the lights went up, I groaned inside thinking, "great- I'm in a crowd full of people and we all want to get out of here right now." It was like when you wake up from a great dream.

We made it back to the car and headed for home. I was extremely thirsty from all of the dancing and singing so we planned to grab some water from the first gas station we saw.

We were stopped behind a few cars at some train tracks when the arms came down. After the train passed, the arms never went up. We waited about 10 minutes and noticed the cars on the other side across the street had a place to make a u-turn and most were doing that. We could also see a gas station not even a block in front of us.

I decided to get out and walk over since we were locked in with traffic all around us. I got some water and asked the guy if there was someone to call when the train signal is broken, and he wrote the phone number and intersection code on a small paper bag for me.

By the time I got back to the car, all the traffic behind us was gone- everyone had backed up and gone a different way, and even most of the cars in front of us had taken their turns getting out one by one.

I tried to call the number but couldn't get anyone to answer and by that point, we had water and were on our way so I gave up.

I was in bed by 11:15! It so cheesy but I felt that Macklemore respected his fans time by not making us wait forever. It was the icing on the cake of a great evening.

At the end of the night I realized that it was also exactly one year since I had my D&C. The perfect full circle experience.

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24 Weeks

Hi Baby-
Your sister called you a boy for the first time this week. She's insisted that you are a girl the whole time until now, when she wanted to make you a rocket ship and a heart with her art supplies. "I want to make a rocket ship and a heart for my brother baby!"

My weight gain is sitting at 12 lbs which is great. I'm still feeling good in general except for some kind of illness that your dad brought home from work last week. Since I can't take any medicine, it's hanging around a lot longer than I'd like. It's not a big deal, but it makes sleeping hard because as soon as I lay down, I start coughing and can't stop. It's a dry tickling cough, and I have no other symptoms so it's just frustrating.

You are still sitting very low, between my hip bones and I feel you move several times a day, usually after eating. You are wiggling away as I type this! Must be the ice cold water I'm drinking.

We had our big ultrasound last week and you are looking perfect, measuring right on track. We are still in the dark about your gender, and the lady who did the ultrasound said she didn't even know. Either that means you are a girl or you did a good job keeping your parts covered (or both!). We looked away when she scanned down low though.

We laughed a lot during the ultrasound, joking about names. At one point, you were pushing back against the wand, and I mentioned that that spot near my left hip is where I feel movement most often. She told me that was your butt! (You are positioned on the opposite side from where your sister was) We saw your brain and heart and fingers and toes, and my favorite was your spine that looked like a dinosaur. A couple of times we got a creepy image of your skull with a bulging eyeball that looked like something from Halloween.

By the way, we have no idea what to name you. We planned to keep the names a secret from everyone until the birth anyway, but the truth is we just can't decide on anything! No worries though, we have plenty of time.

You don't have any real cravings lately, but I sure do want something sweet after every meal. When I eat it, you make me feel nauseous- especially chocolate! That's how I know it's me wanting it and not you- it's probably the reduced guilt of eating sweets when I know I'm supposed to be gaining a few lbs anyway, and I know I'll get to keep eating brownies and still lose it after you are finally here! So I eat sweets anyway, but I know they are for me and not you. haha! Strawberries have been sounding great, Zoe's Kitchen salad and hummus plate is a weekly staple, and I've been loving hot english breakfast tea a few times a week. I was drinking it every morning when you were conceived and gave it up for the first trimester since I was so worried. And pancakes always sound delicious.

We can't wait to meet you! We've been steadily working on Big Sister's room, so that you get to take over the nursery. Dad wants to start working on the upstairs bathroom sooner than later so that it will be done. I still want to do the laundry room. But with sister upstairs, that bathroom could use the help. We are putting new carpet in both bedrooms upstairs and in your nursery. I'm hoping that goes smoothly since carrying heavy things isn't going so well for me lately- I hate the idea of your dad having to do it all alone. I did spend 5 hours painting doors the other day- I just got in the zone and finished it all.

Other than the house updates, we are trying to keep life easy- spending time as a family since we have so little time together. I'm having fun figuring out what to wear for a family/maternity photo session in a couple of months, and trying to figure out what to bring you home in. I'm doing prenatal yoga once a week and getting a massage every other week- I have to use up all of the massages we've paid for but not used in the past couple of years!

Life is good and we can't wait for you to join us!

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19 weeks 4 days

This pregnancy has been amazing. I feel so normal that I don't have much to report other than memory problems, and some minor indigestion.

I'm currently awake at 3:46 am, and have been for about an hour. I wake up naturally every day to take my thyroid and fall back asleep but today my brain won't stop running through a very frustrating work situation. I've been more stressed in the past two weeks trying to cover all my bases and tie up loose ends with my job. 

Basically, there's a simple process where jobs go out, they are put on a list, and I bill them out. The quality of the information on the list has been spotty but I remedy that by checking in different places but inevitably some fall through the cracks. 

I'm a detail oriented process girl so the solution is simple- keep it streamlined, one person does the billing, but fix issues with the pipeline to ensure that person is getting all the needed information. I've been stressed because the list has been fluctuating in length (either nothing is added, or a TON is added in one day), and I've been cross checking things and asking for feedback on whether older jobs have been completed to tie up the loose ends.

Yesterday I finally felt like I was making leeway on smoothing the process out and getting where it needs to be and found out that a list had been created on Monday and given to someone else to bill out immediately that day. I hadn't heard anything about it, nor was I shown a list of completed items so I can ensure that nothing is done twice. Not to mention there are different procedures for different companies and they won't pay if we don't follow them.

I feel frustrated and disposable and completely undermined. Why should I care or try to do a good job? What's the point of trying to make things run smoother? 

I had a flashback of a job I had in college where the owner of the company literally cussed me out because I was trying to make sure the girl who worked opposite shifts and I were on the same page with a project we were working on and she didn't like my ideas for how to get it done and complained. It was something dumb like making sure old versions of maps were thrown out but new versions were kept. I ended up quitting because I didn't deserve to be cussed out or treated like crap over something so simple.

I know I'm just a peon in this job and that's ok, but I've been a successful boss and set up processes for everyone to follow that made work (especially paperwork) as easy as possible. I was able to run my store simply and efficiently, balancing all the tasks, while still training new employees and winning sales awards. I know I'm not in charge but I still want to do the best I can and be respected for caring. It's a source of pride to do a good job and be productive, and it's really the only source I have since being a mom comes with no tangible satisfaction of a job well done.

When I fix problems and make things better, or figure out a way to make things run efficiently, I feel useful and necessary. When my job is given to someone else, I feel like a piece of garbage. Disposable. Hell, maybe I am! Maybe I'm disillusioned about my worth as an employee. Maybe I'm really not worth the effort I feel I'm putting in. Maybe I'm over paid and should have more responsibility- or take a pay cut. 

I think my baby fell back asleep, it was thumping around a few minutes ago. I really wish I could release this tension and get some sleep myself. 

After the past few years I don't do well with communication that is not clear or direct, so when I feel like things are swirling around me- emotions and feelings of others- but nobody is saying anything directly to me, I shut it out and ignore it. Life is too short to spend it worrying about other people's feelings about me or their opinions of how I live- I spent more time than I want to admit on pleasing others up until recently.

I wish we could all let go of our hang ups and be honest, direct, and kind. Slow down a little. Listen more. 

A couple more thumps- I hear you, baby. 4:32 am.

*Edit: I did fall back asleep (kind of) and getting my feelings out really helped process the emotions. I'm learning about myself in that growing up I learned how to stuff down my true feelings and to not express them because emotions are scary. I'm trying to learn how to be a good parent and part of that is resolving my past and healing from it. Everybody has issues, right?

But the truth is, emotions are not scary, and the more we practice letting them flow through us, the better we can get at expressing them and moving forward. At this time, some emotions, like anger, frustration, and anxiety take me a long time to move through- longer than I want it to take. I'm trying to be kind to myself and realize what's happening, and let it be. I refuse to let pregnancy hormones be an excuse, but I am hoping for my own sanity that they have a little bit to do with how long it took my emotions on this particular matter to pass.

I do still want to be a worthwhile employee, and I do still take pride in what I do (in fact, I really love making the list, doing the work, and checking it off), and the speed bump is so minor in the scheme of things. I need to allow myself the grace to move through my emotions at whatever pace it happens to be. Also I have no  idea what happened with the last couple of paragraphs that I wrote in the middle of the night- they are true, but really have nothing to do with the work issue. haha!

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17 Weeks

Something amazing happened last night as I was laying down for bed. I felt a little thump on the left side of my stomach. I decided to press down several times and received a thump back, right on my fingertip! 

At my appointment a few days ago I finally got to hear baby's heartbeat on the Doppler- loud and clear! It was in the 140's. She called it a 'chill baby'. I was walking on sunshine the rest of the day!

Also I found out that the June birthstone is pearl. I don't know how I got so lucky to get a diamond baby and now a pearl but they are the best! 

I've been feeling really good this time around. Not sure if it's because the baby is a different gender, but I do think not working a stressful job and having time to rest helps for sure. I'm having a hard time falling asleep and staying that way. No food cravings, nothing really sounds appealing. I'm able to eat healthy foods which is great! Weight gain is around 4-6 lbs so far, less than half what I gained wth Abby and Baby B in the first trimester. Not being able to eat sugar really helped this time.

Starting to get some hip and lower back aches but I'm about to start a chiropractor/massage routine so that should help. My midwife says I should be walking 45 minutes 5x a week. I need to work up to that in addition to yoga once a week. I started back at the same studio I went to with my pregnancy/post partum and it feels great. 

I think I've been able to keep my emotions in check better this time (you'll have to ask Bean to be sure), but keeping a connection with my opinionated girl and all of the negotiations that go with it can be frustrating when I just want to take a nap. I love that she is so strong and I want her to stay that way, but sometimes I just need a break.

I've been feeling so great I really made a dent in my 2016 To-Do list this week. Today is my girl's first visit to the dentist! I also have everything ready to renew my passport with a name change (just need to get a new picture)- this involved a last minute drive to another town for a certified copy of our marriage license! We both have eye doctor appointments set up next week at a new optometrist, and the paperwork completed for Bean's new IRA. I'm also halfway through getting paperwork together to get my car registration up to date. All of that is about 1/3 of my list! Cheers to being a responsible adult in 2016!

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Christmas

December 26, 2015

15 weeks

We sent out our pregnancy announcements as our holiday cards this year. I felt comfortable as I was doing it, but it did remind me of sending out all of those cards after Abby's first birthday and how I wished I could go back in time and take them all back when it didn't work out. I wished I had never told everyone we know. 

Christmas was great this year. We stayed home which is probably the biggest reason it was awesome. The part I don't like about Christmas is the obligation to purchase gifts, especially when it's not meaningful. If I do something inexpensive, even if there is thought put into it, I feel like the receiver thinks I'm cheap, or that I don't love them. It's so dumb!

The thing is, I enjoy buying gifts for Bean and Abby because I'm around them all the time and I know what they will like. Also, we don't focus on the material aspect of it. I only bought two items for Bean and we bought four items for Abby, plus Santa brought her the one item she asked for. The first couple of times I asked Abby what her favorite part of Christmas was, she answered, "Laughing and joking!"

A couple of weeks ago Bean took 2 days off at the end of the week and we had family time. One day Abby was at school, so I worked and Bean worked on her big girl room upstairs. Then we had a date lunch, picked her up, and took her to meet Santa. She loved it this year! Very different from not wanting to be anywhere near him last year. 

There was an area for family pictures so we just went for it.

And then she met the Big Guy. She said she wasn't going to sit on his lap, but he kind of picked her up and made her do it (I wanted to run over and snatch her away!), and she quickly asked for "Elsa and hers microphone" but Santa couldn't understand her very well and started talking about microphones, "what kind of microphone do you want? a 60 mega hurtz?" etc. Then they took a picture and were done. She was excited before and after but seemed nervous during. 

The next day she had a little recital in her ballet class. It was two songs and very cute. At the end there were donuts and props to take pictures with. 

Afterward, we went to the Gaylord Texan resort for the ICE! exhibit. I was not looking forward to being cold but I was pretty certain Abby would love it. We walked around inside the resort for a little while and found that they have several other activities, including milk and cookies and storytime with Mrs. Claus; of course meeting Santa; and decorating gingerbread houses. 

After we survived the frozen tundra of the ICE exhibit and I burned my tongue on some hot chocolate, we ate lunch and decided that it would be really nice if we did a family day again every year except plan to stay one night at the hotel- that way we can just run upstairs for naptime instead of driving all the way home. Especially next year with a 6 month old. It will be easy to trade off nap times with a baby- one of us sleeps with the baby while the other walks around and spends time with Abby. We are really looking forward to continuing some of the traditions we started this year!

On Christmas Eve, we hung around the house all morning (Bean did end up having to work), baking cookies and muffins. When Bean came home, he had some last minute shopping to do so he and Abby went to the mall- they are crazy- while I stayed back and iced and ate half a dozen cookies and waxed my legs which are extremely hairy this pregnancy. 

When they came home, we just hung out for a little while and then attempted to decorate a gingerbread house. I think I understand why people don't do this. Keeping the walls straight and the roof from sliding off was pretty tough! Abby did enjoy putting icing and candy on while eating half of the candy. We watched Elf while 'decorating'. 

Later we ordered pizza and hatched a plan with some cash we had. The pizza was about $30 but we gave him a hundred and told him to keep the change. We were looking forward to it all day, and he was so surprised and grateful. It was one of the highlights of my Christmas!

We ate pizza while we finished watching Elf, then we watched the animated version of 'How the Grinch Stole Christmas' which Abby said was scary, but I think she did like the who's down in whoville.

We ended the evening with the classic 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer' which I always watched growing up. She has the book and wanted to follow along with the book while we watched the show. That story is really pretty strange! Why is there a dentist? Only so he can remove the snow monster's teeth? Why is Clarice flirting with Rudolph? I thought they were kids. 

Anyway, it was nice just relaxing and spending time together. We read 'The Night Before Christmas' after we put out cookies and milk for Santa and sprinkled glitter oats on the walkway for the reindeer. Abby went right to sleep because she was ready for Santa to come to her house!

Christmas morning at our house was great. So relaxing and just how it should be.

When we went in to get Abby she was excitedly jumping on the bed. We checked to see that Santa ate the cookies, drank the milk, and left a note. Then we went in to the fireplace and she found that he left her a stocking full of Frozen items and Elsa and her microphone! She was in awe, hugged and kissed it and looked really happy. We opened our stockings and then went into the study where the tree was to open gifts.

We took turns watching each other open gifts and had a great time. 

I had planned to make a breakfast casserole that would cook while we were doing all of this, but I ran out of eggs and couldn't find sausage at the store I'd been to earlier in the week, so it didn't work out. 

We went to Pop and Gigi's house for breakfast and they completely showered Abby with gifts. We couldn't even keep track of how many things there were to open. She just kept trucking through, ripping off paper and moving to the next thing. By about 1pm, we were so tired, so we came home for a nap. But Abby was hungry so we ate lunch instead. We didn't want to fight her for a nap that late in the day so we decided to go to a movie instead. 

It was Abby's first time in a movie theater and she did amazing! She sat still in her seat, ate popcorn, and watched the whole thing. We saw The Good Dinosaur. She asked some questions, mainly, "What's his name, Mom?" She fell asleep on the way home but woke up pretty quickly when we tried to lay her down in the living room. She was ready to play some more!

It got a little touchy around here with no rest for anyone- Mom and Dad both wanted a nap they didn't get, and Abby definitely needed one but refused. So we just trucked through the last couple of hours of the day and went to bed early. 

And now for today, the day after. Lots of decluttering, washing dishes, taking out trash, etc. To get the house out of the tornado stage!

As for the pregnancy, it's still there, as far as I know. I'm not really showing except after I eat, and I haven't gained much weight, probably less than 5 lbs. I have more energy and barely any nausea- just randomly in the morning when I have to start drinking those liquid vitamins. When I woke up today, I realized I just don't really feel pregnant and maybe it's because I'm in between appointments and I'm not big or uncomfortable yet. I'm telling myself to just enjoy this time because when I'm uncomfortable and hurting, I'll be wishing for these weeks. 

Sleep is getting a little rocky- there's no way I sleep through the night anymore. Still, the thought of not being pregnant, or finding out that something has happened since I just sent out the announcements fills me with anxiety. Its a little strange with the cards too since they probably arrived on Christmas Eve, or will arrive today so probably not many people have seen them- I've only heard from 4 people out of the 70 cards we sent out. It's a strange kind of limbo to be in. 

Looking forward to my next appointment in about a week and a half. In the meantime, all of the saved posts are starting to release so the journey of this pregnancy will be totally out there before I write again. I hope I have good news with my next post!

The thing getting us through the next couple of weeks is planning a short trip to NYC in March! Bean mentioned that Billy Joel plays at Madison Square Garden once a month, and he's really been into Billy Joel lately so I got him tickets for Christmas. That was one of my other highlights- watching him open and read the tickets. It's been fun for us to talk about what area to stay in, and we are planning to fly Virgin America since we've heard such good things about it. Bean needs more time to relax and do fun things like this, and it's fun to see him so excited about it!

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In the Home Stretch

December 15, 2015
13 weeks, 4 days

This is hard to begin because I don't know where to start. So many things have happened since I last wrote that I know I will forget details that I might want to know in the future. That sounds ominous.

I'm still pregnant and doing well. I'm attached to this baby against my mind's best efforts to avoid it.

After the strongest episode of bleeding, I met with my midwife who did more blood work and decided to put me on an oral Progesterone, instead of the cream I had been using. So my routine has been this: wake up around 4am (naturally), take my thyroid. When I wake up a couple of hours later, I take the Progesterone, then drink my B vitamin and Prenatal vitamin (it's a lot of liquid) with a baby aspirin. Then I can eat breakfast. Then before bed I take another Progesterone.

She wanted to send me for an ultrasound at that point. I was around 7 weeks, and I was 8 weeks on the dot when I went to the OB who did my surgery for an in office ultrasound. I didn't want the trauma of going to an imaging center where they don't tell you anything and you have to wait for the result. I just wanted reassurance.

The appointment was so quick, maybe 15 minutes. He did a transvaginal ultrasound and as soon as he saw it, he turned the screen, showed us the baby and pointed out the flickering heartbeat. I was in such shock that it was actually there, beating at around 160 bpm, that it didn't sink it. The baby was measuring 7 weeks 5 days, so only 2 days smaller than my chart's timing, which is amazing. They aren't concerned within a week discrepancy. Bean was immediately excited and felt so much better about the situation! It was great to see the relief on his face, even if I wasn't exactly feeling it.

When I got in my car, I called three friends who knew about the appointment and left sobbing messages on their voicemails. Something about saying out loud that there's a heartbeat and it's 160 made it sink in so much more. I relaxed the rest of the day while Abby was at school.

At this point, I was nauseous every day, pretty much all day long. I figured out what foods worked (oatmeal every morning) and which ones didn't (Chipotle- that's terrible coming back up). I spent every afternoon laying on the couch trying not to move/dozing while the TV babysat my kid. She loved it. I felt guilty, but I knew I was just trying to survive and not fall apart.

We went to a friend's birthday celebration after that, and Bean and I successfully did the bait & switch beer trick. We brought beer, both opened them at the same time and while I carried it around, Bean guzzled his. Then he rinsed his out and filled it with water and we switched. Then I could fill it up with water and carry it around while actually 'drinking'. I was surprised I made it through the evening without much nausea, but I guess you can mentally distract yourself if the situation presents itself. I fielded uncomfortable questions about whether we planned to use a fertility specialist; the topic we had been talking about was adoption, and we gave no indication we were planning to try and get pregnant (or in this case, already were!). This was the exact type of conversation I don't want to have, and a reason I didn't want to share our news until we felt comfortable.

Seeing the heartbeat helped, but it didn't take the doubt away.

The nausea started to fade around 10 weeks, with several good days, followed by a really terrible one, and then several more good days. I vomited more this time than with any other pregnancy. A lady at a sushi restaurant told me it was a boy since I broke out all over my chest. (Thanks for noticing! haha) Cravings included shrimp tempura roll and sour candy. I didn't touch any Halloween candy. Chocolate is no bueno.

We planned to tell Bean's parents and grandparents when I was exactly 10 weeks. I was letting him do the talking, but he literally didn't say anything. I think we were both still uneasy about starting to announce the news because we didn't feel totally secure.

We made it through my cousin's son's birthday party at Chuck E Cheese without spilling the news, and hopefully with no real indication that I was extremely nauseous while we were there. The lights and sounds were a little much! (Side note, this time I actually got nauseous from a song on the radio, which is interesting and strange).

In the meantime, I got a call that my thyroid was off from the blood work they did at the OB office. So we changed my dose and I had 2 weeks of taking that before my next visit. At that point, we were out of the minute by minute stage and into the few days to week stage. I was able to relax a little and let things happen and I didn't feel quite as desperate for anxiety relief.

Also during that time my friend that I'd been trying to conceive and going through the hard stuff with found out that her baby didn't make it and had a D&C just before Thanksgiving. I was heartbroken for her and felt guilty that I was still in the game.

My belly was starting to bloat at this point, so as soon as we went into my mom's house, we let Abby tell her that she's going to be a big sister. My mom was shocked and it took awhile for it all to sink in, but as I told her all the details of the stressful time and the bleeding and the appointments, and seeing the heartbeat, she started to get excited.

We planned to announce to my family on Thanksgiving, the best holiday ever, but nobody wanted to go around and say what they were thankful for this year, so we didn't. Later in the evening, my uncle offered some wine and I told him I couldn't. He said, "Why, are you pregnant?" and I said yes. Then my aunt was asking why I didn't say anything, and I told her what my plan had been. So she made her 3 kids, and us go around and say what we are thankful for. I said mine and it was kind of funny because my cousins could care less.

Friday, we told my dad, stepmom, and brother as soon as we got over there (again, the bloated stomach made it a little obvious). They were excited, and it made for easy conversation since I didn't have to keep this big secret. We went to a holiday lantern festival that afternoon and evening which was neat, until I started feeling nauseous and needed to lay down.

That next week we went to dinner with Bean's parents and while I kept waiting for him to say something, I just went for it, and had Abby tell them again that she's going to be a big sister. They were so excited and said that they kind of had been wondering. We had canceled a couple of dinners with them due to my nausea and it's obvious if I don't drink. After the family get together Bean's Granny Margaret called his parents and asked them if I was pregnant, to which they told her they weren't sure. She was sure I was. They also got a call from his intuitive Aunt asking if I was pregnant and she hasn't even seen me! She has guessed it every single time!

It felt good to have the information out there and relieved some of the pressure I was feeling. I was surprised that my apprehension about telling was all for naught, since I felt better after being able to be honest about what we had been dealing with over the past couple of months!

At my 12 week appointment, I was really hoping to hear the heartbeat on the doppler. I had felt a distinct thump two different times that I knew was the baby. But I was not sure I could trust my intuition after my miscarriages. I thought I felt movement with Baby B in the week before we found out. Clearly I was wrong about that.

So we chatted, I found out I hadn't gained any weight- a relief, since I was hoping to not gain as much as I did with Abby. Then she started feeling around with the doppler, and a heartbeat was hard to come by. Kathleen thinks she caught it for a second but the baby was moving too much. I didn't feel secure that she had found it since we didn't hear it for more than a second or two.

We went into the other room and pulled up her extremely old and grainy ultrasound machine. She told me I have an anterior placenta, which means it's in the front and seemed happy for me about that since I won't feel movement as much- which means it won't wake me up at night near the end. Then I saw the baby's head, with a little arm up by the head, and she showed me where the feet are, and it's the exact spot I felt those two thumps!

Just knowing that the positive feelings I've been having this whole time are real, and that I've felt the baby moving and I was right, made me feel a million times better. I started to weep a little bit with relief. It was amazing, and I couldn't help it, I fell head over heels. I've tried to avoid getting attached, until I pass certain milestones- like seeing the heartbeat on ultrasound, or hearing it on a doppler, or making it past 16 weeks, or until the anatomy scan at 20 weeks.

But this time I couldn't help it.

I'm enjoying the process now. Probably because most of the stress and anxiety is gone, along with the nausea. I'm enjoying not being huge yet. I'm enjoying knowing that there's a human in there that my body is making. I'm enjoying the sweet moments where Abby hugs my belly, kisses it, and says, "I wuv you, baby".

I want to wrap up this post with a funny story, and a pregnancy first for me.

Abby and I went to the mall on a whim a few days ago and I recently discovered leggings and haven't worn jeans since. So I was wearing my leggings and a semi-loose chambray shirt. I had briefly considered calling a mom friend in the area that I hadn't seen in a couple of months but figured she had out of town visitors (she's British) this whole month and was probably busy. So Abby and I are in the middle of eating lunch and she says she has to use the restroom.

Quick thinking on my part, and we leave all of our food, our expensive stroller and my nice leather jacket next to the table and sprint across the food court to get to the potty in time. As we are walking back (hoping nobody stole our stuff!), I see my friend and her parents! So we are all excited, saying Hi and hugging, and I told her I thought about calling her.

Next thing I know, she reaches out, touches my belly and says, "Are you expecting?" and then immediately retracts her hand and starts apologizing! I told her I was, and laughed. She felt so bad for assuming, and then asking, but it made me feel good that she noticed and asked. I would have just said it if it had come up but it was hilarious the way that it did!

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One hour at a time

October 25, 2015
6 weeks, 3 days

After my last update, I put myself on bed rest for Friday afternoon since the pink and brown hadn't gone away. I continued it Saturday morning also to be safe but I was all clear at that point! Even some clear mucus which is great!

That afternoon we went to our friends house for a gender reveal party. We were only there for 3 hours and although I hope I successfully avoided any questions in their minds about my non wine drinking, I can't worry about that. I was feeling weird having a secret but also relieved that it was going well again.

Today I woke up and did my usual routine of meds and vitamins and was feeling nauseous so I just had a banana for breakfast and sat in a chair while Abby played dress up. I craved a baked potato so we went out for family lunch to Jason's Deli. We took a nap for about 2 hours!

After that, I went to the bathroom and there it was again.

Red. Angry. Clumps.

I felt angry. And nauseous. And wanting it to end but you can never admit that because maybe it would happen and that's not really what I want.

I've been to the restroom twice since then and this last visit it was brown again.

I'm living moment to moment. I'm dreading tomorrow- all day with no laying down time, since that seems to be the only thing keeping this under control. Bean is planning to come home early but that is incredibly difficult for him. Also lying to everyone sucks.

Bean doesn't want to talk about the thing that sucks about the possibility of this not working out, which for me is:

-telling people about the situation

-seeing everyone's disappointment and pity

-fielding questions about our decisions through this process: why use a midwife? (Does she really know anything?) what's causing this/what's wrong with your body? (Never explicitly asked) and what could you have done to prevent this? ....The underlying question behind all of the questions that somehow puts the blame on my shoulders instead of accepting that it was the natural course of things and being ok with that.

I honestly hope that his is just a simple bleeding issue that will resolve itself with rest and we will get to keep this baby. 

But it's not up to me to have the answers right now, I just have to wait. Moment by moment.

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The Gray Area

10-22-15
6 weeks

I had a nice dinner out last night, and another one planned tonight but since the episode of bleeding yesterday, things cleared up overnight.

And then it came back today. Just a little light pink and brown.

I want to curl up in a ball and go to sleep until it's over. This process is so scary. I feel like I was taking it one week at a time and all of a sudden today it's one minute at a time. I'm searching everywhere for my hope, and battling to prevent the fear from winning and it feels impossible.

It's too soon for an ultrasound, my blood work is coming back normal, so all we can do is wait.

My daughter is attached to the TV while I lay on the couch reading blogs about pregnancy after miscarriage, weeping at how these writers have been able to capture their feelings and astutely let me know I'm not alone. But I feel alone. Bean is at work. Abby doesn't know about this pregnancy. Only one friend knows about the bleeding but I don't want to worry her with any updates about how it's not stopping.

I did find out that my one support person for this pregnancy after miscarriage thing found out she is expecting yesterday! I am overjoyed with the news, but I did let her know about my spotting. She knows the fear and she knows what that means for me.

Sometimes I really wish I could close my eyes and these hard, scary times would just pass. I was going to bake bread today but I didn't. I ate Whataburger and watched an Oprah series called Believe and cried. I have another dinner with a friend tonight and will get a moment of joy when I tell her the news, but it will immediately be tempered by my spotting. Then I will try to steer the conversation to her new home and the updates she's been working on.

I need something else to focus on. I need to be busy without having to plan out what to do to keep myself busy. I want to enjoy this time, but I'm also trying to let my emotions out as they come- it's much worse to hold it all in.

The other night I had a dream that my baby was burned and charred inside my body, and I started to weep when I found out. Then all of a sudden we were at a brewery and Bean handed me a mug of beer since I was 'allowed' to have it. Luckily I woke up and had a different dream after that. It didn't feel real, but it was still a nightmare.

Last night I contemplated having a sip or three of a margarita at dinner just in defiance of this whole process. But my friend didn't order one, and I probably wouldn't have really done it anyway. So today, with my Whataburger, I got a Dr. Pepper and drank a third of it. Little rebel over here.

Never have I been so cautious, never have I avoided caffeine or timed out my thyroid, then progesterone cream, then an hour later my liquid vitamins on an empty stomach, then breakfast with baby aspirin on the side, and at the end of the day another round of progesterone. With this spotting, I feel like it's not enough. I should be doing more. So I can save this pregnancy.

I'm reminding myself that there's only so much I can do. It's out of my hands and it's not under my control. I have to believe that. I feel a little crazy and a little like I won't be able to stand this process much longer without some relief. I feel like I should just forget about this and go a different route. Or just accept that I may never have another kid, just my strong willed joy of a girl. Would that really be so bad? No, I don't think so.

But I want this one so bad I can feel it in my bones. I just really hope God thinks I should have it too.

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Moments of Joy

October 21, 2015
5 weeks 6 days

My day officially began with a demonic screaming sound coming from my daughter's room. I don't know why she decided that simply calling for me ("Mooooooooomy! Maaaaamaaay!") wouldn't work today, but I've never heard sounds like that. They were annoying.

Almost as soon as I got her out of bed, an epic tantrum ensued because I asked her to throw away the wipe she used to wipe her nose. Instead of me doing it for her... so she flipped out. Around 40 minutes later I was locked in my closet with the bathroom and bedroom doors closed between us, on the phone with Bean trying to figure out what in the world was going on.

We got calmed down with some books, had oatmeal with bananas and chocolate chips for breakfast, read some more books and went to music class. Then it was home for lunch, and you better believe when she asked me to rock her to sleep I did it, and then kept holding her. I took a nap while she napped and then we laid on the couch reading and watching TV all afternoon. Bean came home early with dinner for the two of them since I was meeting a friend.

I ran to the bathroom since I was leaving in a few minutes, and then I saw it.

Dark red. Small clumps. Brown.

My heart dropped out of my chest and onto the floor.

I wiped three or four times and frantically examined each piece of tissue searching for clues as to what was happening.

How bad was this? Did it look similar to any other times? Is 'It' happening again?

Nobody talks about how hard it is to be pregnant after a miscarriage. You already don't trust your body, you are wary of the process, and what little bit of hope you have hinges directly on how your numbers turn out or the fact that you don't have any bad symptoms.

I had blood work done again on Monday to check my thyroid levels. Funny story: a training midwife did the draw and we were chatting and all of a sudden Kathleen says loudly, "Oh my!"

I look down and there is blood spurting down my arm and droplets of it splattered on the nurse's hand! It looked like something out of American Horror Story. I've never seen my blood like that, but the worst part was the tiny droplets on her hand, that just grossed me out. I think she was really embarrassed and said that she wasn't sure what happened, she got distracted and pulled it out too soon. I told her not to worry, that at least she didn't have to stick me four times!

When I finally got a clean tissue after wiping, my body felt like a lead weight as I walked back to the living room to tell Bean. He was using the restroom himself, so I took that moment to call and leave a message with Kathleen describing the situation. I didn't expect her to call back- there's not much she can do except look at my blood work from Monday and decide if we need to change anything.

Bean came out and with my whole body feeling weak, I told him what happened. He asked for details, asked if I called, then asked what Dr. Google said. Dr. Google didn't help, or hurt, so I gave up.

The lesson I'm supposed to learn, I think, is acceptance and giving up worry. The situation is going to be what it's going to be, and I don't have control over it. I can take my vitamins and hormones and hope for the best, and I can choose to let go of worry.

It's really, really hard, guys.

So far I've taken it one week/one blood draw at a time. My first actual appointment is a week from today, I'll be almost 7 weeks at that time. Both of my previous losses were between 7-8 weeks so it will be nerve wracking.

I haven't felt pregnant, and I'm ok with that. It helps me forget it, so I don't worry. We are focusing on house projects. decluttering, and saving money. But after a scare like this afternoon, I wish I had more symptoms. I have exhaustion and slight random nausea- today was the first day nothing sounded good for lunch so I had ice cream.

Luckily I decided to not let the situation control me. I cried a little listening to music on the way to dinner. My friend was late, so I had a chance to read some blogs about pregnancy after miscarriage, which helped me feel less alone. And then I got to tell her I'm pregnant, and she was excited, and said she had a feeling I had some news.

I'm holding onto these moments of joy, in case they are all I get out of this. I hope I get it all- the rainbow baby, the light after a storm. In truth, Abigail is a rainbow baby, only the storm before her was losing Liz.

Keeping the mini goals has really helped. One more week until our next appointment. Then it's Thanksgiving and announcing to our families. Then it's Christmas cards and announcing to friends and extended family. And then I get to take my bump to the Macklemore concert in January. I did get tickets after all!

But for now, just one more week.

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