Evolution

We had a really great day today.

The morning was spent reading books, then we went to Barnes and Noble for some new books. Lunch out at Pei Wei and a 2-hour nap where I was able to clean out the fridges and relax a little myself. Then a nice walk to the park with good friends where I got to flex my mom muscles by telling a kid not to throw sand at my daughter's face, and he listened. Then a great ceviche and wine dinner at a local seafood shack suggested by Bean and an impromptu family dance party to Macklemore when we got home. Zero TV! Except for us parents, who cried through the series finale of Parenthood. I can't even pick a highlight because we did so many of my favorite things.

But...

It's always there, even when I'm not thinking about it. Which usually, I'm not.

The searing pain. The shame and embarrassment that my body is somehow inferior. I don't feel inferior but I must be, and why didn't I figure it out sooner? I never thought I would be a good mom, and certainly I'm not that great because I don't deserve to have more. I must have done something to have so many of the most important people taken away from me.

I'm not handling it the way people think I should. I let people down, and I hurt them. I'm clinging to things that make this horrendous situation easier for me to handle because nobody in my life has been through this and so they can't possibly understand. And I don't want them to. As much as I'd like to have someone that I love be able to relate to my story, that means that they would have to go through this and I would never wish this on anyone. I was afraid when we saw Granny in her final days, I was extremely sad when Donna died, I broke into pieces when Bud died, and a part of me died when Baby B did. And then this stupid body of mine decided to try to make twins and it didn't work. I don't know what to do now, so I'm spending $77 to have a bathing suit altered to fit for our trip to Costa Rica because somehow that makes it a tiny smidge better. At least I'll look fashionable at the pool. (Please tell me the sarcasm is evident!)

One of the final scenes in Parenthood was the parents looking at their four children, plus spouses and grandkids, and one great-grandchild, and saying to each other, "We did good, didn't we?"

I wonder if I'll ever have that. I want it more than anything. The hectic life filled with things to resolve, fights to break up, terrible dance moves, unlimited crazy stories... I have this ridiculously huge house ready to be filled.

And then I wonder, "what's the rush? Abigail isn't even 2". Because all along I planned to be at some stage of pregnancy by now, to get through this part- the having babies and newborn stage- to try and get to the next part, the one I really wanted. I know that it's not up to me. I know that I don't get to choose. But I see my friends trying and succeeding at this, and one of them is now growing baby #4, and I wonder if I need to change my view. I don't need this dream house of ours if we only have one child, it's obnoxious if it's not filled with a rambunctious family.

The last two paragraphs went down the rabbit hole, the one I know is not productive. My friends and family think I'm crazy, that I've gone off the deep end. I keep getting calls and texts saying "I'm worried about you". Those people are not doing anything to help though. Who will pay for me to go to counseling? Who will come watch Abby for 2 hours and clean my house and cook dinner while I go and talk? Who will just ask questions that are scary and listen to the answers without trying to solve it? None of the above. And what if I just want several hours alone anyway? Not going to happen. Although I am keeping up with my house now, and I'm not avoiding my feelings like I did with Bud and Baby B, so I think I am doing okay.

In all honesty, I'm sensitive, and things that I don't show are still there. There are things that were said to me as far back as elementary school that I remember, including who said it and where we were. I remember how it made me feel at the time. I choose to let those feelings go if they can't be resolved, and I'm constantly working on myself. 

I was told I was singing off key once (I was enjoying singing loud and proud), and it made me stop singing in public and in the shower. I'm in music class with Abby now and the teacher stopped class recently and told me she could hear me- approvingly- and that she wondered if others had noticed how much I'd grown musically, because she had. Apparently I was singing on key, loud and proud.

I think it's important to try and be a good person and have authentic connections with people and do the best you can in the situation you are in. I've also been a people pleaser most of my life. When Bud died, I decided I should try to change that. She thought I was too hard on myself (and I was/am), and usually encouraged me to be less harsh with other people. The things I usually contemplated saying to others were much nicer versions of things that were always going through my own head, directed at myself. It sure did make my work life easy- no matter what my boss said about my work, I judged myself much more harshly in advance. I was always surprised that they thought I was doing such a good job.

Here I am. Alternately happy with my life and sad about it too. I'm in a little glass box for people to look at and discuss, but they never just open the box and talk to me!

Earlier last summer, I thought things were going ok. I was still wondering what was happening with my body and when the spotting would stop and a regular period would happen, but generally feeling hopeful about our future prospects... kind of how I feel now, 2 weeks after my surgery.

And then my friend Jess came to stay for a night. We had a few minutes where her husband was still upstairs sleeping, and Bean took Abby up into the game room to play. We were sitting in couches across from each other and we both wanted to talk- really talk- about what was going on with me but hadn't had a chance. I knew we wouldn't get into anything because time was limited, she was leaving soon, and it just wasn't a good time. 

"So how are you, how are things?" she asked. "I'm ok," I responded.

The way she looked at me when she said, "You don't look ok" was a turning point. I burst into tears and said, "I'm trying, so hard, and it's just not getting any better." Here's one of my closest friends, who I could talk to for hours and never feel bored, who I can always be honest with, who now lives out of town, and who I haven't seen in months- looking me in the face and she knows I'm hurting. It was equal parts embarrassing- am I walking around daily looking like crap?!- and exactly what I needed.

Certainly I don't expect everyone in my life to know me this well, or handle things superbly like a select few that I have, and perhaps this is part of the process I have to learn how to endure: others are uncomfortable with things that hurt and that they haven't experienced and therefore don't understand, so they either clam up and don't say anything, avoid the situation, give unsolicited advice, and/or get hurt if I don't act the same way I did before.

Before what?

Before my miscarriages, or before Bud died? Before I decided to stop people pleasing or before I realized I should put my needs first?

I don't have the answers,and I don't have a good way to end this post. It's been a really great day, and finding the words for some of my feelings has been the icing on the cake. Or the lemon juice in the ceviche. Or truthfully, the Evolution wine (that I first tried with Jess) in my now- empty glass.

Read More

The End of the Potential Twins

Monday, January 12th, we went to our 'first' appointment with our midwife Kathleen for this pregnancy, where we were anxious to hear the results of the ultrasound we had just before the appointment. We already knew it could go either way, and we were prepared for best and worst case scenarios, while ardently hoping for one of the two best case options- one or two growing healthy children.

The tech who did this ultrasound was confident and experienced, and asked good questions throughout the process. I knew she was trying to clarify what she was seeing. I also knew she wouldn't show us the screen, so we had Bean sitting right behind her trying to figure anything out, which of course was impossible. The appointment ran long, so we rushed over to Kathleen's office.

Almost as soon as we sat down, she said, "There's been no growth, you guys." She had tears in her eyes and told us that she hated this news for us. She explained more details, saying the one sac that had the fetal pole had actually shrunk in the last week, so apparently my body was starting to figure it out. We talked over the options and I told her I wanted a D&C. I think she was surprised, because using a natural minded caregiver, her first instinct is not surgery, it's trying to let your body do what it will do naturally. I just wasn't interested in going through that again, especially after our last experience. 

I wanted the physical part to be clear cut, scheduled, and as pain free as possible, while also sending my body a clear message: You are NOT Pregnant Anymore. So turn off the hormones!

She referred me to Dr. Downey, who she works with whenever there are serious complications requiring surgery, or someone needs to be transferred to a hospital, or any of the non-normal things that can happen. The main difference between a midwife and an Ob/Gyn is midwives don't do surgery; they are able to more completely focus on fetal development, safe birth and the relationship between mother and baby. We set up our appointment with Dr. Downey for Thursday. 

In the meantime, I wished I could be completely alone to clean my house, have someone else play with Abs, and I also wanted her with me and to be happy. She was a mess- clingy and whiny because I wasn't giving her good attention. We trudged through music class on Tuesday. We watched a TON of television that afternoon. Wednesday, I picked up Mom from the bus station and we had a delicious lunch at Gloria's (my choice/favorite restaurant), and relaxed. 

The appointment Thursday was very short. I told him a quick 5-minute overview of why we were there; then he talked for 15-20 minutes about the different options, mainly focusing on the pills that induce contractions. I told him I wanted a D&C, and he explained everything that could go wrong. I could tell he has a spiel about each thing that he has to tell you. It's a similar experience that I have at our family doctor (I barely get a word in edgewise and forget about asking questions, it gets the train off the tracks). 

While we sat there, he had the nurse call the OR and find out what times were available, and luckily we could do it at 7:30 the next morning. I signed some paperwork with him that told me there was a chance of uterine puncture, sterility, hysterectomy, etc. We went down to do the pre-op paperwork as soon as we left there. It was more of the same: do you have an advanced directive or living will? Here's what can go wrong. Sign all these papers so that you can't sue us. 

I came home and hung out with Mom and Abby the rest of the afternoon. I got a new prescription for glasses that I never had filled, and I remembered how when Bean had surgery we both wished he had just worn glasses because it was a pain to take out and then put his contacts back in before/after surgery. So we went to the mall and I got some new glasses. We played at the play area and walked around, while I kept trying to ignore the random waves of nausea. 

Friday morning, we woke up at 5am and I took a shower because for some reason I was embarrassed to have unshaven legs for this type of surgery, especially since I would be knocked out. We got to the hospital about 5 minutes before 6am (when they open). By 6:45, I had changed into the lovely gown, answered tons of questions, and been poked 4 times to finally get the IV started. Then we watched Dog the Bounty Hunter while waiting for the next step. 

A chaplain came in and said he makes the rounds offering a prayer before surgery if we were interested. He gave a very generalized prayer, talking about the doctors expertise, the nurses experience, etc, and something about it just made me cry. I wanted him to pray for my babies, all of them. 

Soon enough, Dr. Downey came in, said about 4 words to us and went to call anesthesia since I hadn't seen them yet. The nurse came in with a funny hat on, and the anesthesiologist came in soon after. She asked if I'd ever had complications from anesthesia, and I told her no but that I remembered waking up shaking and crying. She said that was normal, and especially for the surgery I was having, it was normal for women to be crying once they woke up. She pulled several vials out of her breast pocket which I thought was funny, it wasn't fancy at all. She injected two of them into my IV and the nurse wheeled me straight to the OR. 

Can I just say that operating rooms are scary? The bright white, the huge shiny silver lights aimed at you, the fact that you are talking to someone and then you are sleeping and you don't even realize it? 

When we came into the room, Nelly's "Hot in Herre" was playing on the radio. I just knew Bud was there with me. We have that song on our world famous video. I told the nurse, "It feels like a party in here!" and she laughed and started dancing. I asked if she was going to make me count back from 10. She said no. You're going to make me start at 100, then? No again. 

Next thing I know I woke up in a different room with a different nurse. I was trembling and weeping and once I realized that I had indeed- thankfully- woken up from surgery, instantly I realized what had happened- the pregnancy had been removed from my body, just like I requested, and now there was no going back. I sat straight up in bed crying. The nurse asked how I was feeling, and I answered, "Sad." I think she must have asked why I was sad because my response was "My babies!". She gave me lots of tissues and I sat alone and cried and filled the tissues with snot, and soon enough she told me she was going to take me into recovery and they would let Bean come in. 

I remember thinking it was weird that I had to cry by myself like that when Bean was just in the next room.

The recovery area was just a space for a bed with a privacy curtain. The nurse came in and told me she would get me something to drink. She listed off several options and apple juice jumped out at me. It was the most delicious apple juice with tiny ice particles in it. Bean came in and we talked about who had texted and/or called, how fast the procedure was, how few words Dr. Downey said to let him know everything was ok, and how many people had commented on something I posted on Facebook that morning. I told him a long story about how my brother and I would convince my mom to take us up to the hospital where she worked and let us have some apple juice from the fridge and it was so delicious drinking it from that plastic cup with the foil top peeled back. 

I polished off the apple juice and we just sat there waiting. Finally I was allowed to use the restroom and get dressed, then she had to wheel me out in a wheelchair even though I easily could have walked. I came home and spent the rest of the day up in the man cave watching whatever I wanted on TV with no responsibilities (Bean and my mom played with Abby, cooked dinner, and checked on me). Elissa came by with some frozen dinners, I got my new bathing suit for our trip to Costa Rica in the mail, and after dinner we spent the evening relaxing and making sure I was taking enough motrin to have zero pain. 

It's now 3 days later, and I feel great. Minor spotting, no cramps or nausea or food issues, and I feel a strong urge to eat healthy foods and drink a ton of water. I'm going with it! I got my fit bit set up and started wearing it and I plan to go for a walk this afternoon. We also got the house cleaned up since it's been a wreck for the past month and a half while I've been so nauseous. 

Emotionally, although this sounds weird to me, I feel relieved, like a weight has been lifted. I was so happy before I got pregnant this time, really enjoying life and feeling thankful for everything I have. Then I got the positive test, and we started checking my blood, and before I even realized it, a heaviness crept in, sort of a fear and dread and worry that I didn't let take over my mind, but it was in my body. I didn't know it was there until it wasn't anymore. We wanted this one, we tried for this pregnancy, and we did the best we could but it didn't work out. It's not up to me to figure out why, or to understand the reason because I don't have a choice in this matter. 

All I can do is my best- and that's what I did. We are ready with our vitamins and really looking forward to a week of time for just me and Bean. We really need it. I'm not giving up on 2015, but I'm also not going to measure the year solely based on whether or not we have a child. I can't say how many more times we will try again, but probably at least one more time. 

We have so much to be thankful for- one example: last night we had dinner in a restaurant. I wanted spaghetti with a meat ball and a glass of pinot grigio. Abigail gobbled up her penne with alfredo and then asked for some of my spaghetti. We specifically didn't get her red sauce because of the top she was wearing. I cut some of mine up for her, and told her she had to use her fork. She then very carefully used her fork to eat the spaghetti. It ended up all over her face and she just kept carefully shoving it in her mouth and smiling. She was covered in sauce- all over her hands and cheeks, and she was smiling at us and laughing. And then she wanted her hands wiped because they were dirty. And it was perfect. 

Read More

9 weeks (?!)

January 7, 2015

Babies C and/or D:

We have no idea what is happening.

The brown spotting disappeared, but a few days ago, on a Sunday night, I noticed clear mucus with a couple of 'grains' of bright red- about the size of a grain of rice, and just a few of them, no more than 5 'grains'. I told Bean I didn't think this was going to work out. I called Kathleen, left a message, and she called back immediately. She asked questions about what supplements/vitamins I'm taking, told me to double the folate, and to come into the office in the morning for follow up bloodwork and an ultrasound.

I went in at 9am on Monday, and was so embarrassed because we spoke with a new midwife- Anna- who had to try 3 times! to get my blood to come. 3 different veins, 3 pokes, some needle jiggling, and a break for my nausea and more fluids. Then I had to pee in a cup and obviously couldn't do a good job there either since apparently I was very dehydrated.

We scheduled the ultrasound later in the day so it would be easier on Bean's work schedule so he could take care of Abby while I was being probed. The tech was nice, she seemed new and inexperienced, but she did all the normal things. First the abdominal, then the transvaginal. She probed me for like 30 minutes. She kept commenting on how my ovaries were 'hiding'. We didn't see or hear anything, but we did joke with her about twins because I had been having thoughts about it a lot, and Bean asked her to give him the low down in between the two exams while I was getting ready. I still hoped to get some information, but I knew we probably wouldn't.

Today, 3 days later, I got a text from Kathleen asking me to call. I called back immediately. She said they found 2 gestational sacs, one with a fetal pole and no heartbeat, and one empty. The one with the pole measured 7-8 weeks, according to dates I should be about 9 weeks. That doesn't bother me as much as the one not having a heartbeat. She said that my labs came back great, but that my thyroid was a little off. She changed the dosage for me, and asked me to go in for more labwork. Luckily I used the LabCorp office, where they are very experienced, and I drank a ton of water/lemonade beforehand, so it was easy.

So now, we wait. And speculate. And worry, and cry, and think positively, and come up with a game plan either way. When we lost Baby B, I had no game plan because I was so scared it would actually happen. Now that I know what it's like, I want a different outcome.

We are scheduled for another ultrasound Monday, followed immediately by an office visit, and I want to find at least one heartbeat, with the empty sac maybe showing a fetal pole. I want the story to be that my body needed to figure out there are two in there and needed a push to get going. I want to be asked back for another ultrasound a week later, and have really good news that time. And then I want to have an uneventful, happy pregnancy moving forward. I'll have a backup plan in case that doesn't work out, but I plan to focus on the positives of what can happen.

Kathleen's exact phrase was: "I can't say that it's not a viable pregnancy, but I can't say that it is, either."

So we will wait and hope.

Read More

8 Weeks

January 2, 2015

Baby C,
Thank you for listening to me. The nausea is here from about 10am (sometimes even before that) and lasts until I finally fall asleep. It waxes and wanes depending on what, how much, and how frequently I eat. Nothing sounds good but I'm always starving. Water makes me nauseous. When I eat, I burp, which makes me nauseous. If I wait too long to eat, my stomach hurts and I get nauseous.

Thankfully, the foods that sometimes sound good to me are much healthier this time around: apples, chipotle, toast with butter and strawberry jam, lemonade, yogurt and crunchy ground beef tacos. Also Whataburger, Chick Fil A nuggets, and popsicles. All better than McDonald's fake nuggets and Hi-C!

I had another short incidence of brown spotting this week and I think it's because I'm not drinking enough water. It happened at the end of the day after I had been able to relax on the couch much longer than normal because Bean was home. It's amazing to me that I used to work 48 hours a week on my feet with no set breaks with this kind of nausea. I did barf more often that time though. And maybe it helped being distracted.

A little over a week before our first appointment and I can't wait. Mentally, I find myself going back and forth between a very vivid dream I had where Theresa Caputo said, "I see a boy in August 2015", to thinking about twins, to thinking this is all a joke and my nausea is all in my head. I will feel so relieved to hear your heartbeat- when I picture it, I tear up. I can see myself, in the room at the office, Kathleen with her doppler pressed really low on my stomach, then her recognition and my relief at hearing it. In this fantasy I start to cry.

Then I remember that at my first appointment both times previously we weren't able to find a heartbeat on the doppler at the first visit, so I was sent for an ultrasound and that's where things could go either way. If we get a good tech, we may see images, hear a heartbeat, and get pictures. If we don't, or if something is wrong, we won't. In this fantasy, I don't know what I feel because I'm not allowing myself to go there, especially not to the bad place.

The doppler fantasy feels more right to me, although I would love to still have an ultrasound right off the bat just for the peace of mind.

Please keep growing strong. 2015 feels like a good year.

Read More

6-7 Weeks

Christmas Day 2014

Baby C,
You sure did listen to your mom, which is great. The nausea is definitely here day and night, with random times where it eases up and I feel normal. You've also brought extreme mood swings.

Unfortunately, the cat is out of the bag. We felt we had to tell our immediate family about you over this holiday for very dramatic and unnecessary reasons. I'm very disappointed. As much as I'd like to, I won't get into the details here, even though I would feel justified. (Remember that Hemingway quote, "Write clear and hard about what hurts"?)

We had a situation at our family Christmas dinner that was unnecessary, drama filled, and directed at me and your dad. We left a little early to get your sister home for bed and when I went to the bathroom, I was shocked to find a nickel sized blood clot. I immediately freaked out, ran into the bathroom to tell your dad, and then ran out and called my mom who was still at dinner.

When I said, "Mom, I'm pregnant and I'm bleeding" in between sobs- she was so shocked she made me repeat myself, tell her I was 7 weeks, and ask what she could do to help. I knew I needed to lie down and get some sleep. She came over and talked to me calmly until I cooled down, and we talked through the options: rest at home and wait to see or go to the ER immediately. I had the same sense that I had when I was pregnant with your sister- that it was scary but definitely different than when I lost Baby B.

Mom coming over stirred the pot from dinner even more and I barely slept. We got up this morning, packed our bags and came home. I had some cramping this morning (probably from stressing out and wanting to be anywhere but there), but I feel ok now. The brown spotting has slowed significantly.

All of this happened after we had a week of Abigail fighting some illness, then I caught it on Thursday. We left for Houston on Friday and I was pretty sick (plus nauseous and exhausted) all weekend. I started feeling a little better, but still needed to catch up on all the sleep from being pregnant and needing an extra 2 hour nap a day, plus the two weeks prior lost sleep from insomnia and illness.

So this holiday season has not been the greatest, but it's better than the Christmas when I worked on Christmas Eve with the flu (your dad had it too) and we laid on the couch all night just so sick! Here's hoping we get to feeling better soon- I can handle the nausea and exhaustion without the illness on top of it!

Tomorrow, we will tell Bean's parents and I know they will be so excited, so we have at least one positive story out of the announcing this time. We still don't want to talk about it though, so it's hard to deal with knowing that other people know and are worrying, when we are trying to look on the bright side. And then having to answer questions. Having to answer on how I am doing, and how we are feeling, and what did Kathleen say? More than anything we wanted this to be a happy thing and it just doesn't feel that way anymore.

Read More

5 Weeks

December 11, 2014

Baby C,
It looks like we are here! Just over 5 weeks along. With my past two pregnancies I might have just found out about you, but I've known for a little over a week now! It feels official because we got my blood work results back and everything looks great, so we scheduled the first appointment: January 12th. I'll be 10 weeks along then.

I feel relieved and completely not interested in sharing the news with anyone. It feels safe to keep you to ourselves for awhile. I want to hear a heartbeat before we tell anyone. Bean has always been fine with waiting as long as possible with each pregnancy, but I love good news and always wanted to tell as soon as possible. I'm finding it very easy to just not talk about it this time, and not in a bad way, like I'm freaking out or nervous or worrying all the time, just like I know you need some time to grow and it's perfect because I can give that to you without everyone else's input right now.

I'm nervous about the holidays because everyone knows I love my wine, but that's exactly how I'm going to distract myself, by playing a game called "Trick Everyone You Know With Your Fake Drinking". I bought two bottles of alcohol free chardonnay to bring home for Christmas, so I hope that works for the evenings at home.

Dinners out will all be a game of "Go To The Restroom, Catch The Waiter, Make Sure Your Drink Is Virgin". And I'm going to schedule lunch dates so it's less of an issue! There's a concert we are thinking of going to but that will be the easiest game yet: "Bean And Mom Get Beers, Bean Drinks His, Trades Empty Bottle For Mom's Full One, Mom Fills Empty With Water". We've done that game before and we were champs!

So far I feel pretty good. Today the exhaustion hit me like a ton of bricks. Your sister has been watching TV for almost 2 hours now (what a Bad Mommy you are getting), while I have been sleeping on the couch or at least laying with my eyes closed. I'm writing this to wake myself up so we can go to the store. I'm so grateful to be exhausted. I've also been waking up around 2-4am every day, and then not able to fall back asleep. My mind will start racing.

Today it was worrying that your grandparents saw their Christmas presents because they were left out on the table yesterday evening and I didn't know they were coming so I didn't put them away and they were definitely in that room and I hope they didn't see them, but if they did, I hope they like them and will act surprised, or at least tell me that they did see them, or at least be glad with the color I chose to outline the salt dough ornament piece and also be glad with the frame color I picked for their house.

Please make me sick. Baby B didn't make me sick, and I think if you do, I can be grateful for that. Your sister made me not want to brush my teeth for weeks because I would gag. You are worth gagging for!

Read More

Cautiously Optimistic

December 7th, 2014

This picture was taken Friday, December 5th, 2014. 

After the extremely faint 'maybe' positive from Wednesday, I called my midwife immediately. The only reason I took the test on Wednesday was so that I would be able to get in touch with the office (they are usually closed on Fridays). For some reason I have an intense need to control this situation, to prevent it somehow from turning out the way Baby B did. I know rationally I can't. And I'm not going overboard, but I can relax and let it flow if I know I've already done everything I can. 

When I was hanging up the phone, she told me 'congrats!' and I said thanks, but I'm only cautiously optimistic until I get a little farther and it seems like it will work out.

Since the holidays are right around the corner, they are obviously trying to fit in all of their regular appointments, plus births, etc. But they also want to make sure we are dotting our eyes and crossing our T's with every new situation. So they sent me to a lab for bloodwork to check for several different things: my thyroid levels, to confirm a pregnancy, progesterone levels, a panel of all pregnancy hormones, and a couple of other things. 5 vials in all! 

I got that taken care of on Thursday, and they won't get the results back until Monday afternoon. So I'm not worrying until Tuesday, when I will call to make sure they got the results. After that, it's up to my midwife to tell me if we need to change my thyroid dosage or add progesterone. 

I had one test left in my 3-pack, so Bean suggested I take it on Friday morning, so we would know how we need to be thinking about this. And this is what I got!

Maybe I'm trying to guard my heart a little bit right now, but I'm not super excited. It's really easy to NOT spill the beans with this one, even though I've talked to a couple of close friends in depth after this happened. I don't think I'll believe it's true until I hear a heartbeat- because I never got to hear Baby B's heartbeat. Then I hear myself saying that this is not even real yet because I think that the bundle of cells isn't a baby until there's a heartbeat, and that's when the soul comes to be with me.

I couldn't help myself, after I got this positive test, I did let a little hope creep in and I looked up my due date: August 12, 2015. That puts me at 4 weeks, 3 days with this last test. I've never had a positive test this early, it's been at least 5 weeks, and with Abigail, I think it was 6 weeks!

All I can do now is relax, take it one step at a time, take my vitamins every day and see what happens. I still tease Bean about twins but he still doesn't think it's funny. 

Read More

Can it be true?

Wednesday, December 3rd, 2014

Glancing at the picture, I don't see anything. But in person I see a faint line- the faintest line possible. And I got 2 of them. Two tests, two super faint lines. 

After I dropped Abby off at school, I came home and worked. Everytime the phone rang, or I got to a stopping point, I walked through the bathroom and looked at both tests. Studied them.

One was from 3am, the other from about 7am. Two of the faintest lines possible.

Then I posted them on a message board for women trying to conceive. I immediately got several responses saying congratulations and they could see the BFP- Big Fat Positive.

I didn't get excited. I felt wary. Like my period could just start anytime now. Certainly I could have a chemical like so many other women. I'm not immune to loss- in fact, I seem to attract it lately!

Tomorrow will be day 37 of this cycle, which is when my period came last time. I was planning to wait until Friday to test, but I needed to be proactive. My midwife wanted me to come in ASAP after I got a positive so she could run tests and make sure I don't need progesterone to support the pregnancy. If I waited until Friday, her office would be closed, and I would be crazy until Monday.

So I'm still wary. But I did look up a due date calculator, which puts me at 4 weeks, with a due date of August 12th, 2015. And I'm going to have bloodwork done tomorrow. I'll retest on Friday or Saturday and not worry about it (too much) until Monday.

I hope you are in there. I almost lost it bawling to the instrumental version of Christina Perri's song 'A Thousand Years'. If I get to birth you, I promise to have this song on my playlist. I sang it to you before today, and I'll sing it to you even after I hold you.

Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall?

But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt
Suddenly goes away somehow
One step closer

I have died every day waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away

What's standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this
One step closer

I have died every day waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

One step closer
One step closer

I have died every day waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

Read More

Two Week Wait

November 24, 2014

This morning at 1am I woke up with a wave of nausea so strong I thought I had food poisoning. I lay there, deciding if I could make it to the restroom on the other side of the house in case I was loud while throwing up. I did make it, but I didn't throw up, and I felt fine.

When I laid back down, the nausea hit me again and I thought to myself: it's Day 27 of my cycle, I think I ovulated around Day 22. Are you in there? Or are there two of you? Am I imagining this feeling, or making it up because I want it to be true? Did I send my intention to the universe for twins (half joking) and it was really coming true? That's the only explanation that made sense to my sleep deprived brain.

I lay there trembling, trying not to move and also to fall asleep so it would stop. And my heart said 'I'm grateful. I'm grateful. I'm grateful.' If it is you, I'm so grateful. I will do anything to make sure you get here, healthy. One or both of you. If it's not you, I probably did eat something bad and it randomly showed up in the middle of the night.

But what about the cervical mucus over the past few days? And all the work we've put in? And all of the pointedly NOT thinking about it I've been doing? And the random right side back ache?

What about the important days this month that fall right around my peak days? Baby B's due date and our anniversary. What about me happy crying  at a tv show where a woman told her sister wives she was expecting?

I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. I'm so scared. And worried, and apprehensive about what will happen next. I'm hopeful that a week in Baton Rouge for Thanksgiving will be enough of a distraction to get me through to next week, where I plan to try and hold off until December 5th to test. Unless I don't need to.

I planned to test last cycle on Halloween, but two days before I found out I didn't have to. I hope I have to this time!

Read More

10 Weeks / Here We Go Again

Dear Products of Conception:

It is 4:16 AM and I'm awake because I've been awake at this time of day for the last month and a half. Usually I'm able to fall back asleep by about 5am, after laying there trying to relax, maybe listening to a meditation on connecting with your baby or some white noise.

It's surreal to me that I had such a strong feeling about this situation from the beginning, but I ignored the nagging voice in my head saying 'this won't work out' and 'you won't get this one either' and 'keep blindly hoping for the best because it's all you can do'. The strong feeling I had in the beginning was that #1- I got pregnant because we tried, #2- I was going to have twins, #3- Maybe I would lose it again. Because there's always that fear. Having a miscarriage lets you know that you are not invincible, it can happen to you, and prevents you from living in that blissful "everything is perfect" feeling you get in pregnancy.

I had it the first time I got pregnant. I barely took my prenatals, ate crap food, and still had a healthy, smart child and a perfect delivery. I did everything I could this time- never missed a day of vitamins (plus some extra supplements), rubbed on progesterone cream twice a day, only had one sip of Dr. Pepper, and tried to eat healthy, and dealt with constant nausea. I hate feeling nauseous.

Let's be real. I don't love being pregnant. In fact, I'll just be honest and say that I hate it. I'm willing to do it because you get something so cool at the end. The only things I like about it are that it's a miracle (when it works out), and getting to wear tight clothes to show off my stomach (usually my least favorite feature). If I can think back far enough, I did like hearing the baby's heartbeat at appointments and seeing the spine on the 20 week ultrasound.

Things I don't like include everything else.

The nausea, hating healthy food, choking down vitamins that make you feel sick afterward, being bloated but not looking pregnant yet, the looks you get from family/friends speculating on whether you are indeed pregnant or not, no steaming hot baths, no raw sushi, no fun cocktails, no ziplining, the aches, pains, uncomfortable sleeping, the insomnia (hello to you!), the exhaustion, the amount of TV you let your kid watch so you can sleep on the couch, the nausea, the dry heaving, the swollen lady area, the dark wiry random body hairs and now, because I can't escape it- the constant worry until it works out. Or it doesn't.

I'm sure there are plenty more, but I don't have to worry about those now. Because I'm not pregnant. There's been no growth, and in fact, shrinkage, since our ultrasound last week. Too bad the hormones are still there, until I have my D&C and you, 'Products of Conception' are removed.

It really sucked last night when I was trying to bolster myself by looking up quotes about courage and I broke down. That deep, strong, sobbing cry that you feel at the core of you. So deep you can't even think about who you would call, even if they are not living, to sit with you. You just have to be there to remember to breathe. I don't mind that- it felt good. Until I caught my breath because it was going to make me vomit. I hate vomiting and I certainly don't want to do it if it's not for a good reason i.e. making a healthy baby that will live. How annoying to have your crying interrupted by nausea.

We decided on a D&C because I don't want to go through the physical side of this again. I don't want to wait 6 months for my body to give me a normal period again. And I don't want to labor at home again. I want to check in, have my abortion procedure, and be done with that. I hope it will be easier emotionally. I think it helps that neither sac had a heartbeat ever, so it's not as if something died, it's as if it never started.

This blows.

Since the words are not flowing out of me anymore, I'm going to go lie down again. I've set up the blog posts I've been writing since November to release over the next few days. They chronicle the pregnancy and my letters to Baby C and/or D each week. Of course I was hoping this would go a different way but I will accept what I can't change.

Read More